Autumn Leaves and Wary Thoughts

The past few months I’ve been through a roller coast of emotions.
Things changed, in more than one way in my life.
Ever since we started living together I was able to understand my mom better; her little frustrations concerning household and my dad she had.
The regular complaining from time to time.

My boyfriend too doesn’t take his laundry downstairs and throws it in the basket, which makes me go up and down the dangerous stairs with a basket dozen of times.
My boyfriend too just throws his clothes as he pleases in the bedroom
He too forgets to put his chair back under the table after eating
He too always has the television on, even during dinner (when I really want to have an actual conversation)
He too often forgets that I’m not his maid or mother, but his girlfriend, his partner.

Just like my dad used to do and still does from time to time.
Little things that can become quite irritating after a while, luckily I love him too much to really let it bother me.

So the past few months, I went from being a young, working lady to an actual women.
I became the keeper of a household.
I have a boyfriend, a young cat and a cute little dwarf bunny to take care of.
And yes, I’m the only girl in the family (all the testosteron!)
Luckily, all 3 of my men are cutiepies.
When they want to be.

I suddenly got much more responsibility
bills to take care off
chores to do
I do feel the difference
I became a real adult
So the past few months I’ve been searching for myself as well, who am I as an adult?
What do I want? What do I need?
What do WE need?
What’s best?
What’s possible?

So where do I see myself?

I still see myself the way I always did: as a loving, caring person who looks after other people more than I tend to look after myself
I care about people that I love
and I tend to make sure that they are doing just fine , or even better.

I still would love to be a young, loving mother
a good wife

so that sure are some things to look forward to.
Now it’s waiting until my love pops the question (hopefully soon!)
I’ve been deep deep down.
I kind of forgot who I was
Lost myself
in work and bad friends
I’ve had to deal with some pretty bad comments, concerning my appearance and weight
I got called “fat” and “overweight” more than I care to admit.

People even went so far to tell me that if I wouldn’t lose some weight I’d never be able to get pregnant
or get an ugly and unhealthy baby.

So yeah, time’s been hard from time to time.

It’s not always easy, growing up while some people still treat you like a little child, but I’m slowly getting there.
I know I’ll have some ups and downs again
but I’ll know that in the end I’ll get through them, just like I always have.

It’s not easy working on keeping yourself, your personality, hopes, dreams,… intact
while also taking care of others
working to keep everything balanced.

My work is sometimes so badly organized that my love and I barely see each other for a couple of days
or weeks even…

I’ve got my work
He got his sport
sometimes it’s hard to keep the two balanced but we try our best
and the love, the admiration is still there.

Even as I’m writing this right now, I’m sitting on the bench on the side of the field watching his practice and he still looks so stunning my heart often skips a beat
every day
every morning
every evening
I tend to fall in love with him all over again
Even when we had a fight the night before
even if we did went to bed angry, I can never leave the house without kissing him good morning as I get up to go to work

To me
he gets more and more beautiful every day
he too has become more mature
and better in it
he still makes mistakes
but he knows when he has done something wrong and he’ll do his best to fix them, in his own way.

We may fight from time to time
but I still wouldn’t trade him for any other guy.

My lovely love’s practice is over now, and he’s smiling his magnificent smile as he walks up to me
I better wrap this post up
and close my laptop

because I have a lovely, perfect boy to kiss

talk to you soon my lovelies!


You Used To…

You used to be so tenderly
now your touch has gone cold
You used to be so caring
now you couldn’t care less
You used to wipe away my tears
now you are the reason I cry

You used to always be there
Now you are the one that leaves me behind

You used to tell me everything, no secrets
Now you are the one that shuts me out

You used to be the one I gave my all to
Now you are the one I can’t stand to be with


You Broke Your Promise

A hurt in my chest
in the place where my heart should be
a deep, dark pool of tears…

Lost in my sadness
I don’t see the light anymore
stuck in my sorrow..

the man I used to know
the boy I fell in love with
Is he really gone?

No tenderness
no intimacy
no love at all?

how did we get here…
I can’t wrap my brain around it..
how did we go from fairytale, to nightmare?

you promised
you’d never shut me out
never leave me out in the dark by myself, alone and confused…

you broke your promise
and the boy I loved
the boy I gave my heart to and wanted to marry would never do that…

you broke your promise…


Home Is Where The Heart Is

I’ve traveled so far, seen so many places. Magical places.

Been all around the world.
I’ve seen misery, love, hope, faith, hatred, … I’ve seen both the best and the worst of mankind.
I felt more feeling than you could ever imagine.
But none of that means anything compared to what I feel for you, because Honey when I look into your eyes, I see the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen:
Your soul.
The way you love me, the way you treat me right or at least do your best.
The way you appreciate every little thing I do.
The way things just come easy with us.
The way we live our lives, and the way you let me live mine.
The way you give me my freedom, and still support me.
I still feel that need, that Wanderlust to travel the world.
See more. Experience more.
Only now I don’t want to do it anymore, unless it’s with you.
You, me, us, our life together…
It’s my biggest journey ever, and so far I’m loving how it’s going.


It’s Been A Long Time

It’s been a long time since I last posted something here.

I’ve been thinking about my life a lot, things I can’t wait to tell all of you about but can’t. Not yet.
I’ve been making decisions and choices.
I’ve tried to get things straight.
Make our apartment a home.
I’ve made decisions that will change my life forever.
I’m not a child anymore, no longer a girl.
I am a strong, independent woman.
I am an adult.
free, to make my own choices.
free , to live my own life.
I’m grateful to have my Love by my side, always supporting me.
Sometimes being the voice of reason.
I can’t wait to start living my life the way I always wanted to.