Crimson Peak

My very first post on a other blog of mine which I’m working on :)

Illuminated Skylines

Crimson Peak is a 2015 movie directed by Guillermo del Toro (known for the movies  “Don’t be afraid of the dark”, “mama” and the tv-show “the strain”).
large-23It’s a classic gothic romance . Most people that see the trailer or read the short summary expect a horror movie, they will be disappointed though.
For those familiar with Guillermo’s work it will be a masterpiece once again.
The film can neither be categorized as a horror film nor a drama, it really is a film version of gothic romance, which doesn’t mean that it can’t be scary at times.
As Edith (Mia Wasikowska’s character) so eloquently  said in the film: “It’s not a horror story, but rather a love story with ghosts in it” which is definitely the case here.

Mrs. Edith Cushing Mrs. Edith Cushing

Edith is a young woman, struggling to fulfill her dream of becoming a writer in a time where women are…

View original post 429 more words

Marks Of A Battle

As some of you might have noticed I’m going through a rather dark period in my life, struggling with a burn-out and depression. This is very hard and very personal for me to write but I feel the need to share it with you lovelies, because that’s why you are all here; because I am honest to you guys. Because maybe when you’re reading my texts you don’t feel so alone, maybe you even feel understood. I hope you do.

I have pretty reasonable reasons to think that I am in fact bipolar, which would mean that I tend to get really down from time to time, which I do. When I do, sometimes I am so deep that I do something I’m not proud of; I tend to harm myself. I scrape layers of skin of my body and hurt myself. It hurts like hell and as soon as I’ve done it I always feel horrible.

I’ve been home about two months now, battling my depression, trying to get myself together. Thankfully I have my wonderful boyfriend who truly is my rock, my everything. And still… I hurt myself about a month ago. It still shows on my wrist as I’m typing this right now… A cold reminder.

Not many people know that I harm myself, because of the shame I feel about it and because of the fear how people will react once they find out.
I’m in a delicate spot before and after I hurt myself, which means that one mean comment can cause me to crash down once again. As previous experiences have shown me.

When people that know I harm myself ask me “but why?” it’s hard to explain…

Today I watched Demi Lovato’s Stay Strong documentary, and it was so inspiring, I also bought her book “Staying Strong 365 days a year”. I never really was a Demi Lovato fan, I didn’t hate her , loved the songs I knew but still. Until I found out her story when I heard “Warrior” for the first time, I cried. And I still tend to do most times because it’s so recognizable.
I watched an interview where she got really personal, talking about her own self harm and how she described it is how I often tend to explain.

“ It was a way of expressing my own shame , of myself on my own body. I was matching the inside to the outside and there were some times where my emotions where just so build up that I didn’t know what to do and the only way that I could get instant gratification was through an immediate release on myself. “
– Demi Lovato on cutting herself

I couldn’t agree with her more.
When there were so many thoughts and feelings going on in my head that in the end I didn’t even know where everything was coming from, hurting myself was a way to bring all those feelings, the pain, the suffering to only one point, mostly my wrist. It hurt like hell, every time again, but at least then I knew where the pain was coming from. It came from a visible spot, something that I could touch and put my finger on.
It was a way to release all of it, and in that moment, I needed it.

I don’t cut myself, because that would be too obvious when someone would see it. The reason why I scrape layers of skin of it because it looks like a normal scrape wound. I always hid my wounds, but even if someone would see it I could just say that I fell off my bike, or something like that, and people would actually believe it.

Yet, you can still see dark misinformed scars on my wrists and arm…
I am still very ashamed off them.

It’s been hard for me to acknowledge this, to acknowledge that I have problems that I need to face, work on. Which is what I’m doing now, seeking help wherever I can.

It’s been a hard, long road and I’m still getting better taking baby steps.
It has been a long road but I still got a longer one ahead…

Right now I try to surround myself with good thoughts, positive thinking, music and people that I love, while I try my best to stay strong.

I know I’m not the only person that feels like this every now and then, and if there is someone else like me out there: please know that you’re not alone. Please know that you too can get better. I hope we can get better together, helping one another. Helping to stay positive and strong.

Stay Strong, You’re Not Alone.

8735958b8fe8e422f25f4edca3d2d1b1

Looking Back On What Lies Ahead

In 4 days, it will be Christmas day once again. A week later it will be New Year’s Eve. This time of the year often forces us to look back on the past year, reviewing it. What went wrong? What happened? What were the good, fond memories you’ll cherish? What can go better next year? Where do you stand in your life right now?

And every year around this time, I tend to do this, analyzing the past year.
2015 has been a … rough year.
I got fired, lost my faith in the health sector, had an incredible painful operation and had to rest for a couple of weeks, made some big decisions , some of them backfired in my face…

It was a rough year. And it definitely was though coping with all that, and I admit: I didn’t always react like I should’ve had. I let myself go. I let it drag me down. I’m still working on improving myself right now, taking baby steps, but I know I’ll get there, eventually.

Although it has been a really difficult and painful year I am very blessed to have seen and felt how blessed I am to have some special persons in my life, my Love for example.

If it wasn’t for him, I’d probably still be a really big mess.
People often say that your lover brings out the best in you, but he truly does. He reminds me of who I am, when I don’t even know anymore.
He pushes me to go further, explore my possibilities. He encourages me in a way that no one else ever could. He reaches me, when I feel so out of reach…

So now, at the verge of a new year, I have some things I am planning on doing and/or starting with next year.

It’s time for me to do things that make me happy, to think of myself every once in a while. No more putting myself on a second place, no more neglecting my desires and needs. My dreams. It’s time.

So yes, although 2015 been a hell of a year, 2016 will be great. I know it. Because I will be doing what I love, with whom I love. I will surround with people that really matter to me and which I know I can count on.
2016 has good promise all over it, and I can’t wait for it to start.

I’m ready.

large-36

Future Plans

When someone asks me how I see my future with my Love I am very honest and direct: I want to marry him and have beautiful babies with him.
I want to buy a house of our own and live there with our two children, our little bunny, cat and at least one dog -preferably a husky-.
I want to travel the world along with my -by then- husband and our beautiful children.

So whenever I answer that, people tend to make big eyes and get very surprised, because I am only 23 years old.

When they say “Oh I get it, you mean in the future, a long time from now”, I answer them: “well no. I honestly want to have children while I’m still this young, I want to get married anytime soon, whenever my Love asks me. I want to live my life while I’m young”, they are even more surprised.

I have deliberately chosen that I want to be a young mother.
And people that don’t agree with me always have an excuse why “You’re too young, you won’t be able to do it.” Well, I believe I can. “You need to save more” If I wouldn’t have enough money to do it or whatever, I wouldn’t even think about it. “Don’t you first want to enjoy life?” As if getting married and/or getting a baby is the end of your life….

For every argument they give, I have an answer in return.
I want to know what I want to do with my life, so does my Love and that’s just great. I told my Love these same things as well as soon as we got serious, so he has known it for over 3 years now, and he agrees with me.

There will always be people that don’t agree with us, or understand our choices, but that’s their problem really.
I’m an adult. I have a job and pay my own bills. I can make my own choices.

So I will wait and see with my Love when the time is right for us to take our love, our life to the next level. And when we do, it will be our choice, and no one else’s.

large-28