When It All Gets Too Much: Living With A Burnout

Post from my new Blog where I’ll be talking about lifestyle, health, photography, …

Busy Little Bumblebee

I’ve been thinking a long time about what my first post should be and I decided to start off with something personal and very close to my heart.

I’ve been home since October. First we didn’t really know what was wrong with me, our first thought was “depression”, later it turned out to be a burnout.

I had learned about it  during my studies to be a nurse, but just like depression: it doesn’t matter what you have learned about the matter until it strikes you, personally.

When it started I knew the same things that probably everyone knows about it:
You’re often tired
You don’t feel like doing anything
You are a bit depressed and you get it when you work too hard and have too much stress for a long time.

Ever since I was home I started doing some research on it, and kept a list of…

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Alice In Wonderland

I’ve always been fascinated by the stories about Alice In Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll. Even to this day it’s still one of my favorite stories, although it’s one of the most haunting ones as well. My biggest fears are drowning and being held in a tight space, so you will never see me in a submarine, or going scuba diving, cave exploring…
So when she fell down that rabbit hole, my breath stopped. And when she almost drowned in her own tears, my heart almost stopped beating, because I felt scared in her place.

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I guess I kind of recognized myself in little Alice: a young, curious, smart-mouthed yet shy girl. Always wondering about everything.
When I was little, I grew up watching the disney version of the story, as I got older, I saw another version of the story , “Alice In Wonderland” the 1999 version.

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It was a whole new world for me, and is still my favorite version!
When I was old enough, I read the books , in English.

And then came the Tim Burton version (which I also loved!) and this May the second part will come out: Alice Through The Looking Glass (which is also the second part of the story, the second book if you will), I can’t wait!

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There was a place close to where I lived, a wall of green, overgrown with ivy and there was this shape cut out: it had the shape of a door. It stood in the middle of a field, in the middle of nowhere. I always -and still- imagined that it would be the portal to Wonderland.

What fascinated me, a shy curious young girl, about the story the most is the fact that there are so many magical things present in the story, and all these different characters that to me always symbolized people I knew in real life.
My parents, friends, ….

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As I got older I realized that the story, the wisdom inside it is still useful and true up to this day. As I got older, to me it became a story about finding yourself and what you are capable of. It’s about always believing in yourself, even if nobody else does.
Which is something I take great inspiration and strength from.

In the story, Alice overcomes her own fears by wandering through Wonderland and meeting new friends.

It’s a story close to my heart, one I’m eager to tell my children later.
And just like Alice, even though I got older, changed, grew more mature, I’m still a curious little girl that truly believes in magic and curious things.

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Crimson Peak

My very first post on a other blog of mine which I’m working on:)

Illuminated Skylines

Crimson Peak is a 2015 movie directed by Guillermo del Toro (known for the movies  “Don’t be afraid of the dark”, “mama” and the tv-show “the strain”).
large-23It’s a classic gothic romance . Most people that see the trailer or read the short summary expect a horror movie, they will be disappointed though.
For those familiar with Guillermo’s work it will be a masterpiece once again.
The film can neither be categorized as a horror film nor a drama, it really is a film version of gothic romance, which doesn’t mean that it can’t be scary at times.
As Edith (Mia Wasikowska’s character) so eloquently  said in the film: “It’s not a horror story, but rather a love story with ghosts in it” which is definitely the case here.

Mrs. Edith Cushing Mrs. Edith Cushing

Edith is a young woman, struggling to fulfill her dream of becoming a writer in a time where women are…

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Marks Of A Battle

As some of you might have noticed I’m going through a rather dark period in my life, struggling with a burn-out and depression. This is very hard and very personal for me to write but I feel the need to share it with you lovelies, because that’s why you are all here; because I am honest to you guys. Because maybe when you’re reading my texts you don’t feel so alone, maybe you even feel understood. I hope you do.

I have pretty reasonable reasons to think that I am in fact bipolar, which would mean that I tend to get really down from time to time, which I do. When I do, sometimes I am so deep that I do something I’m not proud of; I tend to harm myself. I scrape layers of skin of my body and hurt myself. It hurts like hell and as soon as I’ve done it I always feel horrible.

I’ve been home about two months now, battling my depression, trying to get myself together. Thankfully I have my wonderful boyfriend who truly is my rock, my everything. And still… I hurt myself about a month ago. It still shows on my wrist as I’m typing this right now… A cold reminder.

Not many people know that I harm myself, because of the shame I feel about it and because of the fear how people will react once they find out.
I’m in a delicate spot before and after I hurt myself, which means that one mean comment can cause me to crash down once again. As previous experiences have shown me.

When people that know I harm myself ask me “but why?” it’s hard to explain…

Today I watched Demi Lovato’s Stay Strong documentary, and it was so inspiring, I also bought her book “Staying Strong 365 days a year”. I never really was a Demi Lovato fan, I didn’t hate her , loved the songs I knew but still. Until I found out her story when I heard “Warrior” for the first time, I cried. And I still tend to do most times because it’s so recognizable.
I watched an interview where she got really personal, talking about her own self harm and how she described it is how I often tend to explain.

“ It was a way of expressing my own shame , of myself on my own body. I was matching the inside to the outside and there were some times where my emotions where just so build up that I didn’t know what to do and the only way that I could get instant gratification was through an immediate release on myself. “
– Demi Lovato on cutting herself

I couldn’t agree with her more.
When there were so many thoughts and feelings going on in my head that in the end I didn’t even know where everything was coming from, hurting myself was a way to bring all those feelings, the pain, the suffering to only one point, mostly my wrist. It hurt like hell, every time again, but at least then I knew where the pain was coming from. It came from a visible spot, something that I could touch and put my finger on.
It was a way to release all of it, and in that moment, I needed it.

I don’t cut myself, because that would be too obvious when someone would see it. The reason why I scrape layers of skin of it because it looks like a normal scrape wound. I always hid my wounds, but even if someone would see it I could just say that I fell off my bike, or something like that, and people would actually believe it.

Yet, you can still see dark misinformed scars on my wrists and arm…
I am still very ashamed off them.

It’s been hard for me to acknowledge this, to acknowledge that I have problems that I need to face, work on. Which is what I’m doing now, seeking help wherever I can.

It’s been a hard, long road and I’m still getting better taking baby steps.
It has been a long road but I still got a longer one ahead…

Right now I try to surround myself with good thoughts, positive thinking, music and people that I love, while I try my best to stay strong.

I know I’m not the only person that feels like this every now and then, and if there is someone else like me out there: please know that you’re not alone. Please know that you too can get better. I hope we can get better together, helping one another. Helping to stay positive and strong.

Stay Strong, You’re Not Alone.

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