Feelings & Fears

There are times that I wonder, that I worry.

In exactly 3 weeks from now, I will be a married young woman. On August the 3rd, I say “I do”. It’s official. I will be married.
Although I look forward to it, with all my heart, counting down the days…
I worry as well.

There are times that I feel useless. Maybe even unloved. Misunderstood. Unimportant. Invisible.

I’m used to being invisible, in a way.
I never was popular at school, even though people often told me how beautiful I was. I never did exceptional things. I’m good in a few things and I do a lot, but I don’t excel in anything. I remember every face from people that went to the same school as me, did the same sports, shared my hobbies, … but no one remembers me. And honestly, I don’t mind. I am not someone who needs or even wants to be in the spotlight and although I look forward to our wedding party next year, I kind of get panic attacks when I realise that my love and I will be -or at least are supposed to be- in the spotlights all day… that is also a reason why I want to keep it small, intimate.

I’m used to feeling useless.
I never felt needed, or at least not much. People often used me but they never needed me, not truly.

I’m used to being excluded, I always felt excluded in my family, my friend groups, school, hobbies, … and things like Facebook don’t help that feeling, at all…
It’s all fake and I know it, but still… It would be fun to have someone post awesome statuses about me as well, tagging me in pictures…

I often feel alone…
Misunderstood.
As if I come from another world and no one quite thinks or reacts like me… I feel like an outsider. An intruder.

My love was the first one to truly accept me as I am, for who I am.
All my weird unusual characteristics as well.

But lately, ever since we started living together and even before that I feel excluded from this relationship as well, from time to time.
I don’t feel needed, except for cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, …
When I express my needs, my hopes, … nothing happens.
At the best we often fight about it.

We are a good couple, a great couple in fact, but we had a very, very rough year.
We went through some things that weren’t caused by us at all, but we went through anyway… we had them thrown in our face and had to deal with them… which I now feel like we never did.
We pushed ourselves through it all, but never really dealt with it. Experience it. Give it a place…

We lost someone we both dearly loved…
Had our future changed multiple times, in a bad way…

The past months were so rough…
That’s why I , we decided to take a break from something we could: having a baby.

The past 2,5 years we’ve been trying to get pregnant… in multiple ways, with help, because the doctor very early assured me that there was no way I could get pregnant on my own…
It’s been a long, painful, rollercoaster of a road…
In June, we had our first IVF-treatment, finally.
It was hell.. all the injections, the egg pick-up, the placement, … the pain was incredible.
Good news, bad news, good news…. a true rollercoaster…
We were pregnant, then we weren’t , then we were, … and then the news: we were pregnant, but we wouldn’t stay pregnant… I would miscarriage… guaranteed.
The only question was when and how. Would I need surgery? would it come ‘naturally’?

And what the doctor predicted happened: I miscarried.
I was pregnant, and then I wasn’t…

So now my body is exhausted, my mind broken… I need some rest… Some time with my love…
I need to feel like me again, no hormones, no injections…
I need rest… to be able to go places, do things without worrying about the injections I need to place, the doctor visits, …

So I decided to take a break, for at least 2 months.
To be a girlfriend, a fiancée, a future wife again…
To be a couple again.

But it feels like we both work through things in our own way, in two separate worlds…
I feel like my Love is getting out of my sight… like he is moving away and I can’t see him anymore, can’t keep up with him.

I’m scared that it will get worse when we are married… and that we would both become unhappy. Become a burden to each other… Loose sight of each other completely.

Sometimes I can feel him slip through my fingers and desperate as I am, I don’t know what to do.
It’s like sand slipping through your fingers…

I hope the break will do us good, that the good things we have planned together will make us stronger, will make us notice each other again…

Because right now… I don’t know. I know I can get pretty emotional over this, but honestly, the feeling I sometimes have of loosing him… it scares the crap out of me… It’s terrifying… because right now, he is the last thing keeping me up… his love, our relationship… He’s the only strong thing left and if that would be taken away… I don’t know what I would do…

I don’t talk to anyone about it anymore as well, because people say stupid things like “leave him”, “don’t get married if you have doubts”, …
But I’m not going to leave him, because he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He truly is the love of my life, my soulmate.
And I AM going to marry him, because I have no doubts about what I feel for him and what he feels for me.
I KNOW he loves me, as he knows I do.

We are just a couple that have had a shitload of shit to deal with in a few short months… things we didn’t see coming at all…

And just because we kept going on, we didn’t process it properly. Which I now feel like we NEED to do… even though it hurts like hell…
We NEED to grieve
We NEED to cry, be angry, smash things…
We NEED to scream…

we MUST move THROUGH IT, instead of past it.
We need to experience it… We need to let it in.

So that finally, hopefully, after all that
we can give it a place
and move forward without boundaries, without strings keeping us to the past, to the pain, …

together.

– Britt

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Sometimes I wonder… 

Sometimes I spend my days wondering, worrying.  Trying to understand why it seems that bad things always seem to happen to good people. From time to time it really baffles me.

I know of so many couples that always did and do their best to be there for everyone, always share the little things they had, were always there when anyone needed them, lived humble, work(ed) hard,…  and yet bad things keep happening.

To be more personal, my fiancé and I are in the same situation.

We both work hard, I combine working and studying at a university -which, I’m not going to lie, is really hard- to give us a better future, to give future children of ours a better future. I do my own household, try to cook on a daily basis, be a good daughter, daughter-in-law, granddaughter,… but my days just seem to flash by without me even realizing what happened. My days seem to be too short for all the things that need to be done.

And then my fiancé got fired from his job… he has been sitting at home since the  15th of December….

meanwhile other things have happened, unexpected costs, and we are trying our very best to plan a budget friendly wedding, seeing what we can do ourselves,…

But to be honest… it’s a really hard time. It has been even before my love lost his job…

I’m doing my very best, we both are but sometimes it all just seems to slip through my fingers and everything seems so unfair.

Even though this whole post might seem sad, I remain hopeful. Things will get better. I’m confident in that.

It’s only a matter of time, and effort. But I can do this, we can do this. We will get through this.

– Britt

Letter To My Love

I’m scared.

Scared that my internship/education is going to fail.
Scared of what will happen then.
Scared that you will start to love me less and less 
because I cry so much.
Or because I get bored so easily.
I’m scared that you will need me less.
While I need you more and more with everyday.
I’m afraid of the rut where we seem to be finding ourselves in.
I’m afraid that I’ll get tired of us one day as well.
Or that I’ll start irritating  myself over things that really don’t matter.
I’m scared of losing you.

I’m afraid of how I’m currently feeling.
Depressed, alone.
The one moment all I want is to be alone
but then as soon as you leave, I cry.
I am afraid of my own fickleness.
And I’m afraid that I can’t take everything that is currently happening .
Physically, mentally and emotionally

I am scared because I don’t know what is going to happen.
I am afraid that I’ll disappoint everyone.
Especially you.

You’re my most precious possession.
The person I care about the most.
If I lose you, I’m over. 

I hope I may find the strength to get over this bump in my road.
Because that’s all it is.
I just need to dare make the jump.

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Keep The Faith

He’s the reason I smile everyday.
He’s also the reason I cry.
Times have been hard lately, with him losing his job

And me quitting school…
Our parents haven’t been easy on us as well.
Our love is getting tested, and sometimes I feel as if we’re failing the test.
But then something happens, something that gives me a tiny spark of hope again.
Even if it would continue to be this bad, I still wouldn’t leave him.
I love him so much.
He truly is my everything.
We do belong together, and I could never get tired of spending time with him.
We need each other.
So hard.
Times get rough, but we have to keep holding on.
I can see sunshine behind those grey clouds.
There are better times coming.
I know it. I can feel it.
In the past, I would’ve already left my boyfriend. End it. Break up. Simply to protect myself from getting even more hurt.
And although I have cried so many times the past two weeks,  and even though I have no clue what to do to help him, there isn’t a single part of me that thinks about leaving him.
That’s not an option.
Everyday I realise how truly important he is to me.

It’s just a phase we have to get through.

And I know we will.
If we just stay strong.
Stay together.
Our love can handle it.
We just need to keep the faith.

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