Happiness Is Expensive

Happiness is expensive.

It’s a thought I often had and still have from time to time.
When I am sad and thinking about what I can do to make things better.
Most of the time I’m stressed, exhausted, …
The best solution I can come up with then is : “I need some time off. Take a break from work, from school and just get my love and go on a little vacation, even if just for a weekend.”
Then I eagerly start to look up trips that are fitting to what I need, sadly, trips cost money.
And when you don’t work -at least at my current job-, you don’t get paid.
It often makes me sad and then I say to my love “That we are to poor to be truly happy, because we can’t go anywhere or buy things that make us happy”.

I let it sink and then I realise: happiness doesn’t cost a thing.
It’s not taking a trip that can only make you happy, or buying expensive things.

Happiness, at least for me, is spending the evening with friends and their little children -as we are going to do tonight-.
Happiness is having a movie night with either one of our younger brothers, or both.
Happiness is going out with friends, having drinks or something to eat.
Happiness is lying on the couch with your lover behind you, his arms wrapped around you, his breath in your neck, watching a show and softly falling asleep, together.
Happiness is coming home to a cat meowing frantically , happy that you are home.
Happiness is a little bunny jumping up and down his bench when he sees or hears you coming home, or coming downstairs in the morning.

Happiness can be whatever you want it to be.
When you let it, the small things become big ones.

Happiness is everywhere, if you just let it.

I am tired of looking at what I don’t have, instead I learn myself to focus on what I do have.
I appreciate what I have, and who I have.
The lover by my side
The friends.

Happiness is a choice.
And I choose to be happy.

– Britt

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Bright Future Ahead

Today I had an oral exam early in the morning.
I got up on time, with my love, and we drove to my school – a drive of about half an hour , give or take-.
I was very nervous getting in, but was able to calm myself.
At the end of the exam I had a “really? that was it?”-feeling.
I went to the reception to collect my exam results from my second and third exam. They were less than I imagined, and one of them I flunked.
I was kind of disappointed at first but then remembered:
I haven’t had much time to study for those exams, no time to make summaries, didn’t even get to read the whole book for one of the two, so in fact, I didn’t do that bad.
It alsof felt quite nice that I didn’t have to tell my results to parents at home now, knowing that I would get a lot of bad, negative, mean comments about it. That I would get punished. That I would feel even worse. Like a failure.

No, this time, it was different. Because this time I’m not studying for anyone else, or because someone else wants me to. This time, I’m doing this for me.
Because I want to graduate and have a bachelor degree. Because I want to be able to give myself a better future, and my family.
Because I want myself and my future husband to have a better future, to give my future children more chances.
I want to be able to improve my life, and in the meantime those of others as well.

I am doing this for me.
And even though I’m keeping up high standards for myself, I sometimes need to pat myself on the shoulder. Because I know that I work hard, doing my utter best to balance work, my relationship, my household, friends, family, planning a wedding and a few others things at the same time.
It’s crazy at times, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
So if I look at all that, it’s no disgrace really to have to do some exams again this summer.
I only failed 1 out of 3 this far, so that’s not bad at all.
Also because the one I failed, is one that almost everybody failed, there have been a lot of complaints to the principal about the unfairness of the exam, and my grades aren’t final until the end of June, so a lot can happen in the meantime.

It feels good to realise that finally, I have my life in my own hands.
That I can make my own choices.
That there’s no one yelling and calling me names behind my back, forcing me to do things I don’t want to.
I feel so free whenever I realise that.
And my love is by my side, supporting me. Not pushing me.

I feel so free, so mature.
Making my own choices, paving my own path.
For the first time in my life, I see good things ahead, and I couldn’t be happier.

– Britt

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Being Nice

Being nice.
It’s something few people do, but still everyone I know seems to think that it comes naturally. That it’s just how someone is. “That’s just who she is, she is always nice” is an example of that.
But as someone that is often seen that way as well -thankfully- I can assure you: it doesn’t always come easily.
There are times that when I am scrolling through Facebook for example, I come across a really unflattering picture, or an annoying status, … when even I think to myself “well.. that doesn’t look good at all.” or “that hairstyle is not flattering at all” for example. But instead of writing those things in a comment, I CHOOSE to stay positive, and say something nice about it instead.
Some people that I told this to said that it isn’t nice of me to do that at all, that it’s lying.
I don’t agree: Lying would be when I don’t like the hairstyle for example, and tell her that it suits her very well.
It’s not lying when I say that “it’s something else, it’s special” for example.

I don’t lie.
I try to find something positive in what the other person said, how they looked, what they wrote…
Because let’s be honest: everybody knows that you can achieve more by giving someone a compliment than by bringing them down.
Most people need a compliment and positivity every once in a while as well.

So if I can make someone happy by saying something nice, instead of something mean or embarrassing, I guess I’ll just keep “lying”

– Britt
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Sometimes I wonder… 

Sometimes I spend my days wondering, worrying.  Trying to understand why it seems that bad things always seem to happen to good people. From time to time it really baffles me.

I know of so many couples that always did and do their best to be there for everyone, always share the little things they had, were always there when anyone needed them, lived humble, work(ed) hard,…  and yet bad things keep happening.

To be more personal, my fiancé and I are in the same situation.

We both work hard, I combine working and studying at a university -which, I’m not going to lie, is really hard- to give us a better future, to give future children of ours a better future. I do my own household, try to cook on a daily basis, be a good daughter, daughter-in-law, granddaughter,… but my days just seem to flash by without me even realizing what happened. My days seem to be too short for all the things that need to be done.

And then my fiancé got fired from his job… he has been sitting at home since the  15th of December….

meanwhile other things have happened, unexpected costs, and we are trying our very best to plan a budget friendly wedding, seeing what we can do ourselves,…

But to be honest… it’s a really hard time. It has been even before my love lost his job…

I’m doing my very best, we both are but sometimes it all just seems to slip through my fingers and everything seems so unfair.

Even though this whole post might seem sad, I remain hopeful. Things will get better. I’m confident in that.

It’s only a matter of time, and effort. But I can do this, we can do this. We will get through this.

– Britt

Faith In Humanity

From time to time I tend to lose faith in humanity, because -let’s be honest- people can truly be horrible sometimes.
Selfish, hurtful, rude, cruel, vengeful, …

Sometimes there are persons that do things that are so far from my own personality and character that it horrifies me.

My Facebook is filled with video’s of humans mistreating animals, being cruel to one another.
Saying mean things to hurt another person, with no obvious or clear reason at all.

People are selfish, only thinking about themselves, not caring for another.
I have learned that the hard way lately.
Most people only tend to “be there” for you when they can use you for their own personal gain.
They only text you or mail you when they need something from you.

If you’re sick, they will feel sorry for you at first but when they notice that it will take longer than they expected for you to get better, they let you down.
No more contact, no more sincere “how are you”.

Because like Elena Gilbert once said in the Vampire Diaries: “When someone asks “how are you?” they really don’t want an answer.”

It’s just easier for them not contacting you, hearing you or seeing you, because then they don’t have to pretend to care. And sometimes, I get that. I think everyone did the same from time to time, sadly.

But it tends to get hard when you’re the one that needs someone to ask you that question, and nobody does.

Like I said, I learned the hard way, and it truly sucked.

So whenever I tend to lose my faith in humanity because of things like this, there are a few persons that restore my faith.

And I love the fact that even though the horrible things people do: the cruelty to other persons, animals, nature, the wars, the fights, the being-mean, … are truly horrifying and bad, it doesn’t take equally as much GOOD things to change the balance between good and bad.

The simplest of things can fix  my faith.
Someone being polite in traffic.
A smile from the cashier at the local store.
Someone being helpful for one another.
An unexpected text from a good friend, asking how I am and asking to meet and do something fun.
A good talk with someone, a really good, since one.
A smile.
A hug.
A funny post from someone.
Seeing someone be good to one another….

The little things.
Thank God for those little things, because they truly make life worth living.
It’s true, there are more selfish, bad people nowadays.
But it’s the good ones, the kind, helpful ones that make the difference.

And that is one of the many reasons why I love Christmas, it really tends to bring out the best in everyone.
Of course, it shouldn’t be the only period where you are nice to someone or helpful and kind, but it’s a start.

I feel blessed for having been through a rather difficult and hard time in my life, because now I know who I can count on.
Now I really know who matters.

I may not have a big group of friends
or a ton of money
or many other things
but I see myself as a rich person nonetheless, because I am rich with lessons and truths. I learn, I evolve, I explore.

And I may still have a long road ahead, and that road might not be easy, but at least now I know who has my back.

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Sometimes They Come Back

You know how sometimes there are certain persons that you never ever want to see again because something happened between the two of you?

Have you ever had them suddenly coming back, appearing as if brought back alive from the dead?

I sure have.
And it happened again tonight.

About a year ago while I was studying to become a teacher in my first year of higher education in college I had a gang of friends with whom I’d always hang out.

We skipped some classes together, we had fun, we talked, we laughed, we cried, we went out, …
It just may have been the best time of my life.
There were five of us: three girls, two guys.
Four out of five had nicknames, I didn’t.
You had Smokey, The Godfather, Mr.Hyde and The Hobbit.

As I said before, we were a great gang.
I was close with all of them, but with The Godfather maybe just a tad more.

He liked me, there was some physical attraction.
I wasn’t in love with him though, neither was he with me.
We just thought each other to be physically attractive.
Two beautiful people right?

I loved him so much as a friend.
So much, that when last summer when I won an exclusive avant-première of the latest and last Batman: The Dark Knight Trilogy (the dark knight rises) I invited him to come with me, along with two other friends of mine.

He came early that day and we spend the day at my house, getting ready, having a drink (he had brought a bottle of wine over), we ate together, …

We had a great time together.
A few days later, the gang and I went out in a city nearby.
Two days before that evening, I had been with a boy.
My current boyfriend.

We had kissed two nights ago, but I still didn’t know if that meant whether we were or weren’t together now.
I texted him all evening.
So much, that my friends asked me to invite him over.
So I asked if he would like to join us, and he did.
He came over and we had a great night.

The Godfather, a good friend as he was gave us his blessing and smiled all evening at the sight of my happiness with that boy.
Whom I still love more and more everyday, even though we’ve been together for almost a year now.

And after that great night, all went wrong.
The Godfather didn’t answer any of my texts, mails, …
He simply disappeared.

I saw him once or twice very awkwardly, but I felt that things had changed.

He started to ignore the rest of the gang as well.

It went on.
And we went on with our lives, wondering though what we did wrong to make him treat us that way.
The only one he was still talking to, was Mr.Hyde.
The girls, he ignored.

So tonight, me, my boyfriend, Mr.Hyde, Smokey, The Hobbit and three other people were going out.
In the same city were we always went out, because it’s where Smokey and The Godfather live.

We were sitting outside a bar, enjoying a cool summer night with a drink nearby when suddenly Smokey said that The Godfather was approaching us.
Indeed he was.
He was accompanied by two friends, two guys.
Mr.Hyde got up and ran after him, to say hi.
We all could see that The Godfather wouldn’t have stopped otherwise.

He had a talk with him, while the girls and I were discussing whether or not we should go and say hello.

The Hobbit got up, went over and came back.
Apparently, The Godfather had ignored her completely.
He didn’t even look at her.

Later, when he was about to leave, after I had burst out in tears at our table Smokey and I went over to him, saying hi and asking if we could talk to him for about two minutes.

He agreed.

As Smokey started talking to him, asking him the reason why he mistreated us that badly I choked.
She said that for months we’d thought that he was dead.
That we’d been worried sick.
He didn’t even look at me.
It was so hard.
He said that he simply had a lot of shitty things going on, and that he didn’t want to see or hear anyone.
Smokey said that instead of ignoring all those texts, mails, … he could’ve just answered that he needed some time and that he’d rather be left alone.
He said that he thought that would’ve been cruel and mean.
I couldn’t help but bitterly answer : ‘yeah sure, it’s much easier to just ignore…’
As he continued his stupid explanations I just couldn’t fight back the tears anymore.
So I walked away.

I just… walked.
As I started to panic.
My heartbeat speeding up,getting harder to breathe, …
I panicked.
It simply was too much.

My boyfriend ran after me and just held me, trying to console me.
I cried and told him that I really wanted to go home now.
He agreed and said that we’d leave right away.

So we did.

While we were on the road back home, I got a text from Mr.Hyde saying that The Godfather was still with them, talking things out.
I don’t believe that though.

How can you talk a year of ignorance out in only a few hours?
How can you make up for a year of frustration, anxiety, powerless feelings?
It’s simple.

You can’t.

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