It’s Been A While

It’s been months since my last post, I’m aware.
Believe me when I say I would have loved to write down my feelings, and whats going on…
But the truth is, ever since people from my neighbourhood found this blog that was and still is so precious to me and made fun of everything on it… my blog hasn’t truly felt safe anymore…
It feels violated.
I don’t know who else is reading along, is it just my faithful followers, my wordpress friends? People I love and care about?

Or are those from my “real life” still around? lurking to see if they can find some juicy story that they can exploit?
How safe is it for me, to post things on here?
Will people read it behind my back? make fun of it? talk to my family or friends about it?

I have so many things I want to talk about… that I NEED to talk about.
Get them off my chest.

Even if no one reads them
comments on them or even cares about them…
I just need to write them down.

A few times I was here, writing those things down but ended up deleting them in the end… because I got scared.

I hate it.
My blog was my own space, my escape. With all these lovelies following me, the sweet comments, the good friends…

I hope that soon, I’ll feel safe enough to start writing here again…

Because I really miss this..
I miss this place.

I put so much time, effort and tears in creating this safe space.
This virtual world.

I’m not planning on getting it taken away so easily from me…

I’m a lover, not a fighter, but I’ll fight for what I love…

– Britt

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Battle Of The Heart

I’ve shed so many tears
that I’m simply not capable of crying any more.
I’ve died so many times
more than I can remember.

There were nightmares
hopes
dreams
but none of them were real, ’till I woke up all by myself.

There’s a war going on in my head
a fear and anger raging in my heart.
Which one do I listen to?
Which do I believe?

I need to know if this is worth my battle
if there’s a chance that I can get you back
if there’s a way that you can change
back to how it used to be.

I need to know that I’m enough
that I’m what you want
so fight for me 
and proof it to me.

I need to know
I need to feel
I need to hear
I need to see.

So show me
‘Cause I need to know
before I die once more
Because I might not come back this time.

pll
Make me whole again, because you’re the only person that can.

Anxiety And New Promises

Tomorrow is my first thing back at school.
Back in class.
And I admit… that I’m scared.
I don’t know what to do or say, so I’ll probably keep to myself again.
Pay attention in class, answer questions. Behave like a good, obedient student should.

And hopefully “She” won’t get on my back again.
The one that hates me (= my director).
I have many nicknames for her, and none are friendly.

I’m scared… because she’s not the only one that I fear.
There are persons just like her in my class as well.
People that are professionals in setting people to their hand.
They can make you do or believe whatever they want…
And I can’t stand up for myself quite enough… although I have a big mouth, I have a very very scared heart…

So I’ll just stay in class during the breaks, and I’ll read.
And write.
And text with my love.
And just keep my mouth shut.

Also, tomorrow it’s the anniversary of my and my boyfriend.
Tomorrow, we’re exactly one year and a half together.
Wow, a year and a half… I can barely believe it.
Time really does fly sometimes…

Sadly, I don’t see him on Monday..
Secretly I’m hoping that he’ll come and surprise me anyway..

A part of me wants to go to sleep right now, because I actually am tired.
But the other part is just afraid.
Because then when I wake up, it’s time to go back to school.
What will I say when people ask about my internship?
Should I tell them that I actually failed?
That when they graduate, I’ll still have 3 more months to go?

Not knowing if I’d make it or not…
I’m nervous for my cooking exam as well…

God.. it’s just chaos and slightly panic in my head right now…
Maybe I’m making it all worse than it actually is but still…
I won’t make the same mistake again.

The thing that hurt me the most about my second internship, is that you really can’t seem to trust anyone.
I trusted my supervisor and she just.. more than stabbed me in the back.
EVERYTHING she said was simply to flunk me. Every.Single.Word.
And the sad thing is : I TRUSTED her.
I believed that she actually was happy about me, because she never told me otherwise.
And still…

That’s what hurt the most.
I heard people say that nowadays you just can’t trust everyone, but I always believed that at least in the care and health business there would be people that you could rely on.
Apparently not.

So, from now on: I’ll keep my mouth shut.
And when there is something bothering me: I’ll write it down or tell my boyfriend or best friend (someone I truly trust).
I won’t change who I am though. I won’t be like those persons. Mean. Unreliable. Without conscience. 

I’ll still be me, but I’ll just keep it more to myself.
They said that I keep a wall up to protect me. To hide myself after.
They knew my story, and still they betrayed me…
So now I’ll pull up a second wall, not one that defends me by using a big mouth or “mad” faces, so they don’t get to call me “arrogant” anymore.
No, a wall of silence and mystery.
Although I’m pretty sure that no matter what I do, it will never be just quite how they want it to be.

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Desperation and Perseverance

Tomorrow I’ll have my last exam, and I’ll get my exam results.
I know if the story will continue, or if  this is the end of the line.
I’m feeling double.
On one hand I feel rather…confident, sure.
But on the other hand I still feel the anxiety.
The fear to fail.
Again.
I really want this to work.
I want it.

I already have plans starting tomorrow, to celebrate that my exams are over.
Tomorrow noon, I’ll go to see my boyfriend.
Finally!
It’s been a whole week, and I miss him like crazy.
I can’t wait to hug, kiss and hold him.
To smell, see and touch him.

We’ll have lunch together and then I’ll probably fall asleep for a little while in his arms.
In the evening I first have band practice and then I’ll come back home and probably watch a movie with him.
Nice, quiet and cosy.
Nothing hard. Nothing difficult.

Saturday, I’ll have lunch at his place as well.
In the afternoon we’ll go to the wellness centre we’ve been twice before.
There will be 3 friends waiting for me, because we’re all going together. The five of us.
For my birthday.
I get in for free and the other ones just pay €20 as an entrance.
We’ll get a bottle of cava as well.
I’m so looking forward to it!
They are all great friends that I haven’t seen for far too long.

In the evening, I don’t know what my love and I will do.
We’ll see.

Sunday afternoon we’re going to visit my old high school.
I want to say “hi” to some old teachers of mine, let them know how I’m doing.
Daddy is seeing it as going to tell them that I’ve failed college, I don’t.
I trust these people, I know they wouldn’t just judge me.
They were the ones who helped me through high school.
It’s not their fault that I failed.
And who knows, maybe I’ll be able to proudly tell them that I’ve chosen a completely different path.
That I’ve chosen a course that ‘ll get me a job where I can actually make a big difference.
Where I’ll be between life and death.
Changing lives.

I hope I can tell them that.
That I’ve passed my exams.
I hope they’d be proud of me.

I want people to be able to finally be proud of me.
Instead of looking like the all time failure that I used to be.
I’ve changed, and I hope my exams will show that.
I hope that my motivation has showed that.

I really want this chance, with both hands.
I didn’t get this far to just… fall out now.
To quit.
To fail.

I’m going to succeed.
I have to.
I need to.
I want to.

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Exam Anxiety

I just finished studying my exam for tomorrow.
Well… my attempt to study it that is.
It’s about 30degrees in here, and even though I sat outside in the wind, the heat was still irritating and blocking me.

I read all of the text sooo many times but nothing seems to really stay in my brains.
I’m going to bed now so I get up early (5a.m.) to repeat and revise.

I’m really starting to miss my boyfriend as well.
I already did from the first day, but it’s getting reaaaaally bad now.
I’m counting the time until I can be back in his arms.

Well, I’m off to bed now.
Hoping to finally get some sleep in this heat.

And hoping to succeed tomorrow.
Wish me luck!

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Off To The Exam

I’m about to leave for my third exam.
I have some nerves, but not that much really.
The big difference with these exams is that unlike all the others I’ve ever done, this time I actually believe in myself.

I REALLY want this.
So I can only do my best and hope.

I’m counting down the days though, ’till the exams are over.
I hate studying.
And I miss my boyfriend.

Well, time to go.
Wish me luck!