Feelings & Fears

There are times that I wonder, that I worry.

In exactly 3 weeks from now, I will be a married young woman. On August the 3rd, I say “I do”. It’s official. I will be married.
Although I look forward to it, with all my heart, counting down the days…
I worry as well.

There are times that I feel useless. Maybe even unloved. Misunderstood. Unimportant. Invisible.

I’m used to being invisible, in a way.
I never was popular at school, even though people often told me how beautiful I was. I never did exceptional things. I’m good in a few things and I do a lot, but I don’t excel in anything. I remember every face from people that went to the same school as me, did the same sports, shared my hobbies, … but no one remembers me. And honestly, I don’t mind. I am not someone who needs or even wants to be in the spotlight and although I look forward to our wedding party next year, I kind of get panic attacks when I realise that my love and I will be -or at least are supposed to be- in the spotlights all day… that is also a reason why I want to keep it small, intimate.

I’m used to feeling useless.
I never felt needed, or at least not much. People often used me but they never needed me, not truly.

I’m used to being excluded, I always felt excluded in my family, my friend groups, school, hobbies, … and things like Facebook don’t help that feeling, at all…
It’s all fake and I know it, but still… It would be fun to have someone post awesome statuses about me as well, tagging me in pictures…

I often feel alone…
Misunderstood.
As if I come from another world and no one quite thinks or reacts like me… I feel like an outsider. An intruder.

My love was the first one to truly accept me as I am, for who I am.
All my weird unusual characteristics as well.

But lately, ever since we started living together and even before that I feel excluded from this relationship as well, from time to time.
I don’t feel needed, except for cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, …
When I express my needs, my hopes, … nothing happens.
At the best we often fight about it.

We are a good couple, a great couple in fact, but we had a very, very rough year.
We went through some things that weren’t caused by us at all, but we went through anyway… we had them thrown in our face and had to deal with them… which I now feel like we never did.
We pushed ourselves through it all, but never really dealt with it. Experience it. Give it a place…

We lost someone we both dearly loved…
Had our future changed multiple times, in a bad way…

The past months were so rough…
That’s why I , we decided to take a break from something we could: having a baby.

The past 2,5 years we’ve been trying to get pregnant… in multiple ways, with help, because the doctor very early assured me that there was no way I could get pregnant on my own…
It’s been a long, painful, rollercoaster of a road…
In June, we had our first IVF-treatment, finally.
It was hell.. all the injections, the egg pick-up, the placement, … the pain was incredible.
Good news, bad news, good news…. a true rollercoaster…
We were pregnant, then we weren’t , then we were, … and then the news: we were pregnant, but we wouldn’t stay pregnant… I would miscarriage… guaranteed.
The only question was when and how. Would I need surgery? would it come ‘naturally’?

And what the doctor predicted happened: I miscarried.
I was pregnant, and then I wasn’t…

So now my body is exhausted, my mind broken… I need some rest… Some time with my love…
I need to feel like me again, no hormones, no injections…
I need rest… to be able to go places, do things without worrying about the injections I need to place, the doctor visits, …

So I decided to take a break, for at least 2 months.
To be a girlfriend, a fiancĂ©e, a future wife again…
To be a couple again.

But it feels like we both work through things in our own way, in two separate worlds…
I feel like my Love is getting out of my sight… like he is moving away and I can’t see him anymore, can’t keep up with him.

I’m scared that it will get worse when we are married… and that we would both become unhappy. Become a burden to each other… Loose sight of each other completely.

Sometimes I can feel him slip through my fingers and desperate as I am, I don’t know what to do.
It’s like sand slipping through your fingers…

I hope the break will do us good, that the good things we have planned together will make us stronger, will make us notice each other again…

Because right now… I don’t know. I know I can get pretty emotional over this, but honestly, the feeling I sometimes have of loosing him… it scares the crap out of me… It’s terrifying… because right now, he is the last thing keeping me up… his love, our relationship… He’s the only strong thing left and if that would be taken away… I don’t know what I would do…

I don’t talk to anyone about it anymore as well, because people say stupid things like “leave him”, “don’t get married if you have doubts”, …
But I’m not going to leave him, because he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He truly is the love of my life, my soulmate.
And I AM going to marry him, because I have no doubts about what I feel for him and what he feels for me.
I KNOW he loves me, as he knows I do.

We are just a couple that have had a shitload of shit to deal with in a few short months… things we didn’t see coming at all…

And just because we kept going on, we didn’t process it properly. Which I now feel like we NEED to do… even though it hurts like hell…
We NEED to grieve
We NEED to cry, be angry, smash things…
We NEED to scream…

we MUST move THROUGH IT, instead of past it.
We need to experience it… We need to let it in.

So that finally, hopefully, after all that
we can give it a place
and move forward without boundaries, without strings keeping us to the past, to the pain, …

together.

– Britt

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Fantasizing About The Future

Today was a better day.
I actually really had fun at school, I laughed so much my belly started to hurt.

We learned how to properly make a bed, with about three blankets (don’t know the names in English, sorry).
But if you wonder what I’m talking about, it’s the way they do it in hospitals.

I had fun with some people whom I never expected I’d get along with so well.
I hope it ‘ll last.

And then of course the evening, when I saw my love again.

What a wonderful day today was.

Maybe things are about to get better?
And if not…
As long as I have my love.
I can handle it.

Every Monday from 6 in the evening ’till 9 in the evening I am the cashier at the pool across the street.
He accompanies me, because well…
It gets really lonely.
And boring.

Our time was up, and we were talking about our future.
He told me that if we’d both have a stable job, and would’ve saved enough money
that he’d love to live with me.
Just the two of us.
He’d love it.

Even though we’ve only been together for nine months, he already knows that this is what he wants.
Which really melts my heart.
It made me speechless for a second.

But only if we would be financially stable enough, which is normal.
So now I have something to dream about.

In a way, I really can’t wait to begin my life with him.
Just the two of us.
Yesterday and the day before yesterday for example we talked about children.

We were talking about teen pregnancies and that the guy basically always just leaves the girl when something goes wrong.
When the girl gets pregnant.

I asked him if he would do that as well, he said no.
I wasn’t convinced at first, because well… it’s easy to say.
But to actually do it… that’s something entirely else.

He convinced me though.
He told me that he’d take his responsibilities and would stay with me, no matter what.
Which actually warmed my heart.
To know that even if one day something would go wrong, that he’d still be there by my side.

I asked him if he would keep the baby then, or have it removed.
He said we’d keep it.
Which also warmed my heart.
He told me that he isn’t waiting for it to happen, or to have children soon, but if it would happen, that he’d be happy.
Even if it wouldn’t be planned.

Laughing, he added that I didn’t need to try it out though.

I know that he’ll be a great dad one day.
I know it because I see how he does with his god child.

It’s good to know how supporting he would be, even in those kind of situations.
It’s good to know that he’d always be there, no matter what.

I really am lucky with that boy of mine.

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A Little Miracle

For years all she wanted was a baby.
A beautiful baby with bright blue eyes.
Finally, after five years of marriage her wish had come true.
After eight long months, she gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl she had ever seen.

As soon as the little miracle had opened her eyes, her mother had fallen in love with her.
Her heart had melted just from seeing those sky blue bright eyes.
Looking straight into her mother’s eyes.
She had never felt more proud before.

It was love at first sight.
Both parents were just radiating with happiness and joy.
She was perfect.
A little perfect miracle.

As she tenderly held her baby girl in her arms, she swore to her that she’d always protect her.
No matter what.
She swore to always be there for her.
To pick her up when she’d fall down.

To comfort her when she felt sad.
To support her choices in life.
To show her the right way.
To cheer her up after her first heartbreak.

She promised to be the mother that she deserved.
She told her what a wonderful life she’d have.
How happy she’d be.
How beautiful.

And right in that moment,
everything fell into place.
Everything was perfect.
She was perfect.

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