Feelings & Fears

There are times that I wonder, that I worry.

In exactly 3 weeks from now, I will be a married young woman. On August the 3rd, I say “I do”. It’s official. I will be married.
Although I look forward to it, with all my heart, counting down the days…
I worry as well.

There are times that I feel useless. Maybe even unloved. Misunderstood. Unimportant. Invisible.

I’m used to being invisible, in a way.
I never was popular at school, even though people often told me how beautiful I was. I never did exceptional things. I’m good in a few things and I do a lot, but I don’t excel in anything. I remember every face from people that went to the same school as me, did the same sports, shared my hobbies, … but no one remembers me. And honestly, I don’t mind. I am not someone who needs or even wants to be in the spotlight and although I look forward to our wedding party next year, I kind of get panic attacks when I realise that my love and I will be -or at least are supposed to be- in the spotlights all day… that is also a reason why I want to keep it small, intimate.

I’m used to feeling useless.
I never felt needed, or at least not much. People often used me but they never needed me, not truly.

I’m used to being excluded, I always felt excluded in my family, my friend groups, school, hobbies, … and things like Facebook don’t help that feeling, at all…
It’s all fake and I know it, but still… It would be fun to have someone post awesome statuses about me as well, tagging me in pictures…

I often feel alone…
As if I come from another world and no one quite thinks or reacts like me… I feel like an outsider. An intruder.

My love was the first one to truly accept me as I am, for who I am.
All my weird unusual characteristics as well.

But lately, ever since we started living together and even before that I feel excluded from this relationship as well, from time to time.
I don’t feel needed, except for cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, …
When I express my needs, my hopes, … nothing happens.
At the best we often fight about it.

We are a good couple, a great couple in fact, but we had a very, very rough year.
We went through some things that weren’t caused by us at all, but we went through anyway… we had them thrown in our face and had to deal with them… which I now feel like we never did.
We pushed ourselves through it all, but never really dealt with it. Experience it. Give it a place…

We lost someone we both dearly loved…
Had our future changed multiple times, in a bad way…

The past months were so rough…
That’s why I , we decided to take a break from something we could: having a baby.

The past 2,5 years we’ve been trying to get pregnant… in multiple ways, with help, because the doctor very early assured me that there was no way I could get pregnant on my own…
It’s been a long, painful, rollercoaster of a road…
In June, we had our first IVF-treatment, finally.
It was hell.. all the injections, the egg pick-up, the placement, … the pain was incredible.
Good news, bad news, good news…. a true rollercoaster…
We were pregnant, then we weren’t , then we were, … and then the news: we were pregnant, but we wouldn’t stay pregnant… I would miscarriage… guaranteed.
The only question was when and how. Would I need surgery? would it come ‘naturally’?

And what the doctor predicted happened: I miscarried.
I was pregnant, and then I wasn’t…

So now my body is exhausted, my mind broken… I need some rest… Some time with my love…
I need to feel like me again, no hormones, no injections…
I need rest… to be able to go places, do things without worrying about the injections I need to place, the doctor visits, …

So I decided to take a break, for at least 2 months.
To be a girlfriend, a fiancée, a future wife again…
To be a couple again.

But it feels like we both work through things in our own way, in two separate worlds…
I feel like my Love is getting out of my sight… like he is moving away and I can’t see him anymore, can’t keep up with him.

I’m scared that it will get worse when we are married… and that we would both become unhappy. Become a burden to each other… Loose sight of each other completely.

Sometimes I can feel him slip through my fingers and desperate as I am, I don’t know what to do.
It’s like sand slipping through your fingers…

I hope the break will do us good, that the good things we have planned together will make us stronger, will make us notice each other again…

Because right now… I don’t know. I know I can get pretty emotional over this, but honestly, the feeling I sometimes have of loosing him… it scares the crap out of me… It’s terrifying… because right now, he is the last thing keeping me up… his love, our relationship… He’s the only strong thing left and if that would be taken away… I don’t know what I would do…

I don’t talk to anyone about it anymore as well, because people say stupid things like “leave him”, “don’t get married if you have doubts”, …
But I’m not going to leave him, because he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He truly is the love of my life, my soulmate.
And I AM going to marry him, because I have no doubts about what I feel for him and what he feels for me.
I KNOW he loves me, as he knows I do.

We are just a couple that have had a shitload of shit to deal with in a few short months… things we didn’t see coming at all…

And just because we kept going on, we didn’t process it properly. Which I now feel like we NEED to do… even though it hurts like hell…
We NEED to grieve
We NEED to cry, be angry, smash things…
We NEED to scream…

we MUST move THROUGH IT, instead of past it.
We need to experience it… We need to let it in.

So that finally, hopefully, after all that
we can give it a place
and move forward without boundaries, without strings keeping us to the past, to the pain, …


– Britt




Lately I’ve been having a hard time being on Facebook.
Suddenly it all occurred to me that it’s really fake, and not at all what it used to be.
Several years ago I made a Facebook account to stay in touch with my foster family from my school trip to England. Along the way I got to know new people from all over the world via IMVU for example.
Friends in high school started to use Facebook as well and eventually I got all the people I cared about together in one spot, since MSN Messenger was more and more outdated …

In the beginning, that was what Facebook was to me: a way to stay in touch.
But over the years it kind of turned into a trophy channel: you have to impress each and every Facebook friend with heartwarming, smart, fun, … statuses. Post as many as possible pictures of yourself. Your relationship had to seem perfect, and straight out of a fairytale book. Bouquets with the most beautiful flowers in it, dinner dates, concerts, …
Followed by a string of pictures from exotic vacations in far away magical beautiful countries…

That seems to be what Facebook has become now:
A way to make sure that everyone believes that your life is perfect.
That you are feeling great.

And the truth is: It’s fake really.
And it’s exhausting as well to be competing all the time, convincing everyone that everything is perfect.
It’s not.
It’s fake.

Couples fight every once in a while, it’s normal.
So maybe the girlfriend got a bouquet because the boyfriend screwed up big time, or because they had a big fight the night before and this is his way to make it up to her.

I know I have a great, true relationship.
Like every normal relationship we have had our ups and our big downs, but we make it through.
And the best moments with my love, I don’t share online. Because those moments are intimate and very personal.

I am even thinking about deleting my Facebook account.
It’s either that or deleting most of my Facebook friends.
I am spending less time on Facebook, and when I do I just react to things other people post. I mostly post articles I like, I find interesting, …

I think it’s important to not let life pass you by.
Live life offline, not online.
Spend more time with your real friends, your boyfriend/girlfriend, family…

Cherish the special moments.
And if you do so , you might realise that life is way too beautiful and inspiring to live spend behind a computer or a cellphone.

Life is out there, go experience it.

– Britt


Future Plans

When someone asks me how I see my future with my Love I am very honest and direct: I want to marry him and have beautiful babies with him.
I want to buy a house of our own and live there with our two children, our little bunny, cat and at least one dog -preferably a husky-.
I want to travel the world along with my -by then- husband and our beautiful children.

So whenever I answer that, people tend to make big eyes and get very surprised, because I am only 23 years old.

When they say “Oh I get it, you mean in the future, a long time from now”, I answer them: “well no. I honestly want to have children while I’m still this young, I want to get married anytime soon, whenever my Love asks me. I want to live my life while I’m young”, they are even more surprised.

I have deliberately chosen that I want to be a young mother.
And people that don’t agree with me always have an excuse why “You’re too young, you won’t be able to do it.” Well, I believe I can. “You need to save more” If I wouldn’t have enough money to do it or whatever, I wouldn’t even think about it. “Don’t you first want to enjoy life?” As if getting married and/or getting a baby is the end of your life….

For every argument they give, I have an answer in return.
I want to know what I want to do with my life, so does my Love and that’s just great. I told my Love these same things as well as soon as we got serious, so he has known it for over 3 years now, and he agrees with me.

There will always be people that don’t agree with us, or understand our choices, but that’s their problem really.
I’m an adult. I have a job and pay my own bills. I can make my own choices.

So I will wait and see with my Love when the time is right for us to take our love, our life to the next level. And when we do, it will be our choice, and no one else’s.


This Will Be The Last Time

As I was listening to my music today there was one thing that struck me, listening to the lyrics.

As you know, most songs are about love, so were these and most of them was about how we’re lost
without love and the effect people we love can have on us.

I heard this one song “first defeat” by Noah Gunderson (link in the bottom, give it a listen, beautiful song) about how his girl pushes him away and pulls him back time and time again…

It’s about how he finds it hard to keep her away when she throws herself right back at him.

I think most of us knows what that feels like, loving someone so much it hurts..
It doesn’t work when you’re together
but you can’t live without each other either.
It’s poison. A toxic relationship.

Every time when you fight and one of the two runs out you swear it’s the last time but like Noah sings:

“It’s the little things, that convince me to stay”

Each and every single time there are still these one or two little things that convince you to stay, although you know you should’ve left…

I may be in a very happy, loving, respectful relationship now and have been for the past three years, for which I’m eternally grateful, but I wasn’t always.

I’ve been used
cheated on
used again…

I’ve been in a toxic relationship for years
He was charming, and sweet
when he wanted to
when he was in a good mood
and he was unbelievably beautiful
a true god
I’ve only I would have known sooner what he really was

He was very fluent with words
had a golden tongue
Whenever he opened his mouth
or smiled
he could make you believe pretty much anything
which he did
for years and years

even when I was together with My Love
he still wouldn’t let me go
I was his
and always would be

He threw me out whenever he felt like it
and pulled me back whenever he felt like it

He constantly cheated on me
lied to me
used me
mentally abused me

and still he could make me believe that I was the bad guy
that I did him wrong

his kiss, his smile
pure toxic
one kiss, one smile
and I was back in

It took me years and years to cut him loose

Even to this day
he still won’t leave me alone
thank god for My Love
who stands by my side
and supports me
and defends me
and talks some sense into me whenever The Other One tries to reel me back in

so please, if this sounds familiar to you
note this very well:
It’s not your fault
and no matter how “happy” or “special” he (or she) sometimes makes you feel: it’s not real.
It’s all part of an act.
Deep down inside you know you’re not really happy.

It’s nothing compared to the real stuff
trust me

Find help and support in your friends
Don’t try to deal with this on your own
Don’t underestimate the effect it has on you
Don’t lie for him/her
Don’t try to make them better by telling stories about them

Write everything down if you must
all the wrong things they did to you
all the lies
the hurt
all the nights you cried your eyes out

Read it
Look at it
and face it

Find support
a listening ear

But the first real step is up to you
Let it go
Let them go

Tell yourself you’re better than that
You deserve better

and never look back

Trust me, it’s not worth it.


Home Is Where The Heart Is

I’ve traveled so far, seen so many places. Magical places.

Been all around the world.
I’ve seen misery, love, hope, faith, hatred, … I’ve seen both the best and the worst of mankind.
I felt more feeling than you could ever imagine.
But none of that means anything compared to what I feel for you, because Honey when I look into your eyes, I see the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen:
Your soul.
The way you love me, the way you treat me right or at least do your best.
The way you appreciate every little thing I do.
The way things just come easy with us.
The way we live our lives, and the way you let me live mine.
The way you give me my freedom, and still support me.
I still feel that need, that Wanderlust to travel the world.
See more. Experience more.
Only now I don’t want to do it anymore, unless it’s with you.
You, me, us, our life together…
It’s my biggest journey ever, and so far I’m loving how it’s going.


30 Questions for Couples to Keep the Spark Alive

So this is a post I found on a site – I’ll put the link in the bottom- and I really liked the idea.

Get together in a cosy moment with your partner and ask each other all of these or just a few of these questions.
You’re guaranteed to learn some new things about your partner.

Have fun!

#1 What’s the one secret you’ve been too embarrassed to tell me?

#2 Does it bother you if I look at another person and say he/she is sexy?

#3 Have you ever snooped on me behind my back?

#4 If there’s one thing you’d want to change about me, what is it?

#5 If we hadn’t met each other, where would you be right now?

#6 When was the last time you grazed against a sexy someone’s body accidentally?

#7 How would you describe love?

#8 Tell me five instances where you think we’ve had the most amazing sex.

#9 Reveal a sex confession you haven’t told me yet. It doesn’t matter if it’s a weak confession.

#10 What if I told you I was bisexual?

#11 What would you think if you caught me watching porn? Would you get turned on?

#12 What was on your mind the last time we were having sex?

#13 The average duration of sex for most couples is around ten minutes. How long do you think we last?

#14 The average frequency of sex for couples is about eight times a month. How many times a month do you feel is ideal?

#15 Of all the things you do to me sexually, what do you think turns me on the most?

#16 What’s the most erotic thing a guy and a girl can do together?

#17 What’s the most recent awkward moment you experienced that I don’t know about?

#18 Tell me a sexual fantasy you like, one you haven’t told me yet.

#19 Do you think you can read my mind, what am I thinking right now?

#20 Have you every indulged in PDA (Public Display of Affection) with me in front of someone else just to make them jealous?

#21 What’s one manipulative behavior of mine which pisses you off?

#22 If you had to give me a funny nickname based on my personality or some part of me, what would it be?

#23 Right now, what would you like, mind-blowing sex or a cuddle in a hammock to watch the stars?

#24 If we were at a nude beach together, would you get naked and flash at someone, or would you want me to get completely naked?

#25 Have you ever wanted to buy a sex toy, but hesitated?

#26 Celebs or friends, name one person you would want to sleep with if you were single *other than me, of course*?

#27 If I called you a horny pervert, how would you confront my accusation?

#28 Why do you think some couples end up cheating on each other?

#29 How could we make our sex life more exciting?

#30 If you caught me in a room with an attractive person, and I tell you that nothing’s going on, would you believe me?


Source: http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-love/questions-for-couples-to-keep-the-spark-alive

When The Little Things Become The Big Ones

It’s in the simple things, which all of a sudden became the big ones.

Now when I’m having a nightmare and twist and turn in the middle of the night, I feel a hand reaching for mine, holding it tightly and I hear a voice softly whispering “sshhh, I’m here. It’s okay. You’re okay.” and I immediately calm down.

When I’m cold at night and shaking, I feel him holding me close next to him, warming me with his body heat.
It’s the best feeling.

Now, when I wake up early in the morning I look over to my side and see my sweetest dream laying next to me.
In all his beauty.

It’s great to feel complete now.
I don’t feel like I’m alone anymore.
Because my other, perfect half is always by my side.

Coming home from work has never been so great
cooking has never been such a fulfilling work.

It seems like we fell even more in love.
I can’t wait for what will happen next.

I can’t wait
for our beautiful future
to begin.


Proud Of Who I Am

I don’t have many girl friends, in fact, right now I can only think of one good girl friend I have.
That I can always talk to.
But then again, she has a group of other friends as well.
I’m alone.

I have an amazing boy best friend though, we’ve been friends for about 5-6 years now.
I can ALWAYS count on him.
He’s my darling , my big brother, my rock.
Sometimes it’s hard to be able to see each other without our boyfriend/girlfriend though.

And of course I have my love
the love of my life
the light in my existence.
He’s never let me down.

We’ve been through so much together and even now that I’m the reason we lost our chance for freedom, for happiness (see previous post), he’s still the one comforting me while I’m crying next to him.
Saying how guilty I feel that we lost our dream apartment…

He’s been a dear the past days…
I love him so much.

I know I have no fault in the matter whatsoever , people come and go in the nursing home, but still…
I’ve been so frustrated because he used to be the one that couldn’t find a regular job, working interims.
And now I’m the big problem… the one with no job
and barely savings…

It’s all going bad again…
all going wrong
It all comes crashing down.. once more…

And God… I hope I can make it through this one as well
because I don’t know how much strength I have left in me…

For now, I don’t want to be working in a nursing home no more…
I’m so upset about the way employees are often treated there…
the way things go…
more has to be done with less people…
people that get put on a toilet, left behind with the door open in a hallway where people come and go
the not properly washing of people…
the gossiping about residents in the hall…

That’s not why I became a nurse.
That’s not why I fought so hard to become one.
I became a nurse to take care of people
to make their lives better
to help make the world a better, more beautiful world.
One smile, one “thank you” at the time.

I love my job.
Even though some people look down at me.
Yes, I’m the one changing the diapers.
Yes, I’m the one washing everyone.
Yes, I’m the one that gives them their food and help them eat.
Yes, I’m the one that cleans up the “little accidents” that happen.

But I’m also the one they ask for.
I’m also the one that comforts them when they feel sad.
I’m the one that knows all their secrets, their wishes, feelings, hopes and dreams.
I’m the one they love to see coming in their room.
I’m the one they give a kiss to in the morning.
I’m the one they have cute nicknames for.

I love my job.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And one day, I’ll find a nursing home that will see that too.


A Drop Too Much

The last post I wrote was about my work.
It was then that I decided to quit my first job and to start somewhere else where I would be able to work fulltime with various other benefits.
It all seemed so perfect…

My love and I were visiting apartments, starting to realize that we had the possibility to make the move, take the step. Rent our own place.

I started at my new job, and three days later -after two days of work- right after my love told me that we’d go for our own apartment, that we’ll contact some sellers, my phone rang.
It was the director of the nursing home I worked in.
She called me and said that she had some bad news for me.
That afternoon, there had been a meeting.

And I was fired.
No obvious reason why just a bunch of bullshit over the phone…
I was fired.
After barely 2 days of working there…

What was supposed to be a dream became an instant nightmare…
A steady, solid, regularly paid job with benefits
all gone.
Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I was unemployed.

I tried to defend myself over the phone for as far as I was able to speak, but it didn’t even matter.
There were colleagues that wanted me gone.
Why? I still have no idea. I’m still waiting for the paper with their reason to fire me so rudely.

My world was crushed in that one moment.
No job.
No money.
No apartment.
No life of our own.
No freedom.
No nothing…

and even now, almost 5 days later I’m still just so … upset.
If a contract doesn’t hold… if people can always fire you and get rid of you like a bag of dirt just like that…
if we have no security at all…

They crushed my dreams.
They humiliated me by forcing me to go to “work” the next morning, since it’s not legal to fire someone over the phone. I needed a paper, black on white, that said that I wasn’t welcome there anymore.

I was there for an hour and a half, standing in the meeting room with all those faces pointed at me.
Everyone knew that I wasn’t supposed there anymore.
You could see which were the ones that wanted me gone…
I’ve never felt so humiliated in my life…
and I cried while I got dressed into my uniform, oh Lord did I cry…

Why? What did I do wrong?
Was I that bad?

That afternoon when I was back home again, I started sending out resumes, I’ve send over 25.
That day I got one reaction.
The day after another one.
None of them is good though.

I’m a bit broken right now, I’m still fighting though, but it hurts…
It’s just another knife in my back.
It’s something that needs time to heal.
I’ll forget, but I will never forgive.