Bright Future Ahead

Today I had an oral exam early in the morning.
I got up on time, with my love, and we drove to my school – a drive of about half an hour , give or take-.
I was very nervous getting in, but was able to calm myself.
At the end of the exam I had a “really? that was it?”-feeling.
I went to the reception to collect my exam results from my second and third exam. They were less than I imagined, and one of them I flunked.
I was kind of disappointed at first but then remembered:
I haven’t had much time to study for those exams, no time to make summaries, didn’t even get to read the whole book for one of the two, so in fact, I didn’t do that bad.
It alsof felt quite nice that I didn’t have to tell my results to parents at home now, knowing that I would get a lot of bad, negative, mean comments about it. That I would get punished. That I would feel even worse. Like a failure.

No, this time, it was different. Because this time I’m not studying for anyone else, or because someone else wants me to. This time, I’m doing this for me.
Because I want to graduate and have a bachelor degree. Because I want to be able to give myself a better future, and my family.
Because I want myself and my future husband to have a better future, to give my future children more chances.
I want to be able to improve my life, and in the meantime those of others as well.

I am doing this for me.
And even though I’m keeping up high standards for myself, I sometimes need to pat myself on the shoulder. Because I know that I work hard, doing my utter best to balance work, my relationship, my household, friends, family, planning a wedding and a few others things at the same time.
It’s crazy at times, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
So if I look at all that, it’s no disgrace really to have to do some exams again this summer.
I only failed 1 out of 3 this far, so that’s not bad at all.
Also because the one I failed, is one that almost everybody failed, there have been a lot of complaints to the principal about the unfairness of the exam, and my grades aren’t final until the end of June, so a lot can happen in the meantime.

It feels good to realise that finally, I have my life in my own hands.
That I can make my own choices.
That there’s no one yelling and calling me names behind my back, forcing me to do things I don’t want to.
I feel so free whenever I realise that.
And my love is by my side, supporting me. Not pushing me.

I feel so free, so mature.
Making my own choices, paving my own path.
For the first time in my life, I see good things ahead, and I couldn’t be happier.

– Britt

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To All My Lovelies

Ever since I started this blog a few years back I have written a lot of things, some personal, some rather distant.
Some fiction, other non-fiction.
Every now and then there have been readers/followers that have recognised themselves in some of my texts.
Some answer in a comment and tell me a part of their story, others don’t.
I understand that some of you might think as you are reading “hey, I’ve been through that too! I understand what she means!” but are afraid to comment because of the fact that everyone else can see their comment. It makes you feel vulnerable.

I understand that, because for me it’s also a big step to comment on other people’s posts, reacting with my own story, my own experience.

This is also the reason that ever since my blog was mocked in my hometown and made fun of, I have been resistant to write any more personal things… To be completely honest even now, I’m still scared that someone with bad intentions that knows me in my daily life -even if from a distance- will read all of this and mock me.

But like they said in the movie “A Cinderella Story” – the one with Hilary Duff- “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game”.

I still love my blog, I miss my blog.
And in the past days I have written about 4 posts, and it’s a relief.
It feels good to be back.

I am still me, and helping people is still one of my greatest passions.
I know that I am just a group of words, written on a computer screen.
But if for some people I can be of help, a support, a shoulder to cry on ; I would like that.

So if any of you have thoughts, stories or anything else to tell me…
Now you can, without commenting on here.

I have made a special e-mail account where readers/followers/friends from this blog can contact me on.

You can tell me a funny story, share a poem, put your heart out, give suggestions for the blog, ask to publish something of yours … anything is possible.

If I can only help one person, or make just one person smile again.
I would be a very happy girl.

So for all my lovelies:
bittersweetromance@hotmail.com (without the x that is in the name of the blog!)

is the e-mail you can contact me on.
I hope I won’t get mails from people with bad intentions or dirty pictures or that kind of stuff, but if I do: I will delete them immediately.

but for the ones that want to talk:

bittersweetromance@hotmail.com

I’ll talk to you soon my lovelies

for now: all my love

– Britt

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Fear Of Driving Combined With Love And Patience

Yesterday evening I had my first driving lesson with my boyfriend.
It wasn’t my first time driving, since about two and a half years ago I had taken twelve hours of driving lessons with an instructor.
But after that, I barely drove three times.
So now I have to start over again.

He was very patient and most of all: calm.
And that’s what kept me calm.
Which is good, since I’m scared of driving.

We can’t go on the street though, since he’s not qualified to do so.
The instructor needs to have had his driving license for at least 8 years, and he doesn’t so..
We practice on a parking lot.

But he said I did good, and afterwards we went to the McDonald to get a hamburger, before going back to his house.

I’m very happy that he’ll keep teaching me, and I love him for his support and patience.
I really need to get my license soon, for my education but also simply because of the freedom.
To be able to ride anywhere I want, get away whenever I want.
I would be able to drive whenever we went out with his friends, which enables him to drink a bit more.
I could take him to places myself, without having to depend on trains or buses.
I wouldn’t need to get back on those fully stuffed buses in the morning.
With teenage moms/young poor mothers with loud, screaming/crying babies on it…
No, peace and quiet.
Ahh…
I could get used to that.

Also, because my temporary license is going to expire the 30th of December… 
And he is going to help me achieve that.
For that, I love him so much.

I hope there will be more lessons like this one, calm, patient, not too fast, …
And I hope that I will FINALLY learn, and will be able to do it by myself.

I really , really want to learn how to drive, I’m just…scared.
I hope he’ll be able to get me over that fear somehow.

I really do.
Fingers crossed…

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Fantasizing About The Future

Today was a better day.
I actually really had fun at school, I laughed so much my belly started to hurt.

We learned how to properly make a bed, with about three blankets (don’t know the names in English, sorry).
But if you wonder what I’m talking about, it’s the way they do it in hospitals.

I had fun with some people whom I never expected I’d get along with so well.
I hope it ‘ll last.

And then of course the evening, when I saw my love again.

What a wonderful day today was.

Maybe things are about to get better?
And if not…
As long as I have my love.
I can handle it.

Every Monday from 6 in the evening ’till 9 in the evening I am the cashier at the pool across the street.
He accompanies me, because well…
It gets really lonely.
And boring.

Our time was up, and we were talking about our future.
He told me that if we’d both have a stable job, and would’ve saved enough money
that he’d love to live with me.
Just the two of us.
He’d love it.

Even though we’ve only been together for nine months, he already knows that this is what he wants.
Which really melts my heart.
It made me speechless for a second.

But only if we would be financially stable enough, which is normal.
So now I have something to dream about.

In a way, I really can’t wait to begin my life with him.
Just the two of us.
Yesterday and the day before yesterday for example we talked about children.

We were talking about teen pregnancies and that the guy basically always just leaves the girl when something goes wrong.
When the girl gets pregnant.

I asked him if he would do that as well, he said no.
I wasn’t convinced at first, because well… it’s easy to say.
But to actually do it… that’s something entirely else.

He convinced me though.
He told me that he’d take his responsibilities and would stay with me, no matter what.
Which actually warmed my heart.
To know that even if one day something would go wrong, that he’d still be there by my side.

I asked him if he would keep the baby then, or have it removed.
He said we’d keep it.
Which also warmed my heart.
He told me that he isn’t waiting for it to happen, or to have children soon, but if it would happen, that he’d be happy.
Even if it wouldn’t be planned.

Laughing, he added that I didn’t need to try it out though.

I know that he’ll be a great dad one day.
I know it because I see how he does with his god child.

It’s good to know how supporting he would be, even in those kind of situations.
It’s good to know that he’d always be there, no matter what.

I really am lucky with that boy of mine.

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I Love Him

Today I realized what a great relationship I actually have.
 
I may not have a romantic boyfriend,
or an over active one.
Or the most muscular or strong one.

But God…
He’s the sweetest boy I’ve ever met.
He’s my best friend, big brother, lover and soulmate all wrapped into one.
We laugh with so many things that only the two of us understand.
We even started watching series together, we’ve seen about… 4 seasons of Family Guy together, and now we’re trying to watch season 1 of Game of Thrones.
We know what the other’s thinking, just by simply looking into the eyes.
I even know what he feels without him telling me.
And when he’s hurting (he hurts himself quite often on floorball matches and trainings), I even feel hurt there too.
When he’s feeling sick, so am I.

And yes, times have been hard on us.
But the fact that even now, after spending every single day together for over a month already we still couldn’t bare to spend one day apart…
It’s love.
It’s my definition of true love.

We take care of each other.
We support each other trough and through.
We’ve got each other’s back.
We care for each other.
We love each other.
Adore each other.

He really is my world, my reason for living.
The way he makes sure that no one wakes me when I accidentally fall asleep in his bed.
The way he’s worried when I’m hurt because of my period.
The way he strokes my hair because he knows I love it so much, and because it helps me relax and fall asleep more easily.
The way he takes me to the movies to watch movies that he doesn’t even like (Beautiful Creatures for example, which I also think as a rather chick movie type of film than one you’d see with your boyfriend…).

And he does all of that with a smile.
With love.
Oh how I love him, my sweet adorable boyfriend.

I love him dearly.

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A Spark Of Hope

Tonight I went over to my boyfriend’s place again, like I do every Tuesday.
I have dinner there and go to his practice with him.
Right when we were about to leave for practice, he checked his Facebook and saw that he didn’t have any.
That there were too few people.

So we decided to go ‘out’, we drove to the town nearby, took a walk around the neighborhood until we both got way too cold and decided to go into his favorite café.
The café where we had been on our very first date as well.
We brought back those memories, talking about it as he bought me my favorite drink when I’m cold: a hot chocolate with whipped cream.

We talked and talked and talked…
It was heaven.
It really was.
Not that we don’t talk enough, we constantly talk, but this was different.
We got to talk about what’s “wrong” right now.
About us.
Our plans.
Before we had left, I had gotten all sad again in his room, telling him that I found we had been boring lately.
That we got into some kind of routine.
That I felt trapped, being home for over a month.
I felt bored.
Barely alive.

In the café, I also confessed to him that I miss Ghent a lot.
I miss seeing other people.
I miss the warm sunny days in Ghent when everyone would go to the Citadel Park near school, where we’d just sit and enjoy the sun.

Sometimes, there would even be musicians playing in the garden house.
We would get pizza, kebab or french fries nearby and go and eat them in the park.
Or we would go to the Saint-Peters Square and sit in the sun.
Or visit the beautiful garden that’s located there.
Or have a drink at the bowling place.
Yes, life was good back then.

And I miss Ghent.
A lot.
All of it.

It felt good to talk about all of that with him.
It felt like we both needed that.
And as we sat there, talking, smiling, laughing, drinking…
I fell in love with him all over again.

When we were still at his place, I told him that maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a couple of days.
That I would die because I’d miss him, but that maybe we would break the routine that way.

But sitting in the café, there was not a single part of me that wanted to be separated from him.
I needed him.
Always have.
Always will.

Yes, tonight was a good evening.
I just wish we could’ve spend the night and morning together as well.
It broke my heart to tell him goodbye for the night.
I hope that soon I won’t have to anymore…

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Unwritten

Lately, I have had a rather hard time.
School failed terribly and the world came crashing down on me.
I felt as if the earth was disappearing from underneath my feet.
I felt as if I was falling, without an end.

Luckily for me, you were there to catch me.
Like I was hoping you would.
You consoled me when I was crying, held me, silent.
You reminded me that I’m not completely useless after all.

You made me try just one more time, only to see that things had changed to much to go back to the old life, and act as if nothing had happened.
Still, you stood by my side.
Whispering that everything would be okay.

You took me by the hand, and showed me some options.
You showed me that life wasn’t as bad as it seemed.
It’s the ending of a chapter, not the book.
Now, I’m free to write a new one.

You supported me, and for that, I will always be grateful.
And for that and so much more, I love you.
As long as you’ll be by my side, be the ink in my writing pen, I know that there are so many beautiful chapters waiting to be written.

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