Feelings & Fears

There are times that I wonder, that I worry.

In exactly 3 weeks from now, I will be a married young woman. On August the 3rd, I say “I do”. It’s official. I will be married.
Although I look forward to it, with all my heart, counting down the days…
I worry as well.

There are times that I feel useless. Maybe even unloved. Misunderstood. Unimportant. Invisible.

I’m used to being invisible, in a way.
I never was popular at school, even though people often told me how beautiful I was. I never did exceptional things. I’m good in a few things and I do a lot, but I don’t excel in anything. I remember every face from people that went to the same school as me, did the same sports, shared my hobbies, … but no one remembers me. And honestly, I don’t mind. I am not someone who needs or even wants to be in the spotlight and although I look forward to our wedding party next year, I kind of get panic attacks when I realise that my love and I will be -or at least are supposed to be- in the spotlights all day… that is also a reason why I want to keep it small, intimate.

I’m used to feeling useless.
I never felt needed, or at least not much. People often used me but they never needed me, not truly.

I’m used to being excluded, I always felt excluded in my family, my friend groups, school, hobbies, … and things like Facebook don’t help that feeling, at all…
It’s all fake and I know it, but still… It would be fun to have someone post awesome statuses about me as well, tagging me in pictures…

I often feel alone…
Misunderstood.
As if I come from another world and no one quite thinks or reacts like me… I feel like an outsider. An intruder.

My love was the first one to truly accept me as I am, for who I am.
All my weird unusual characteristics as well.

But lately, ever since we started living together and even before that I feel excluded from this relationship as well, from time to time.
I don’t feel needed, except for cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, …
When I express my needs, my hopes, … nothing happens.
At the best we often fight about it.

We are a good couple, a great couple in fact, but we had a very, very rough year.
We went through some things that weren’t caused by us at all, but we went through anyway… we had them thrown in our face and had to deal with them… which I now feel like we never did.
We pushed ourselves through it all, but never really dealt with it. Experience it. Give it a place…

We lost someone we both dearly loved…
Had our future changed multiple times, in a bad way…

The past months were so rough…
That’s why I , we decided to take a break from something we could: having a baby.

The past 2,5 years we’ve been trying to get pregnant… in multiple ways, with help, because the doctor very early assured me that there was no way I could get pregnant on my own…
It’s been a long, painful, rollercoaster of a road…
In June, we had our first IVF-treatment, finally.
It was hell.. all the injections, the egg pick-up, the placement, … the pain was incredible.
Good news, bad news, good news…. a true rollercoaster…
We were pregnant, then we weren’t , then we were, … and then the news: we were pregnant, but we wouldn’t stay pregnant… I would miscarriage… guaranteed.
The only question was when and how. Would I need surgery? would it come ‘naturally’?

And what the doctor predicted happened: I miscarried.
I was pregnant, and then I wasn’t…

So now my body is exhausted, my mind broken… I need some rest… Some time with my love…
I need to feel like me again, no hormones, no injections…
I need rest… to be able to go places, do things without worrying about the injections I need to place, the doctor visits, …

So I decided to take a break, for at least 2 months.
To be a girlfriend, a fiancée, a future wife again…
To be a couple again.

But it feels like we both work through things in our own way, in two separate worlds…
I feel like my Love is getting out of my sight… like he is moving away and I can’t see him anymore, can’t keep up with him.

I’m scared that it will get worse when we are married… and that we would both become unhappy. Become a burden to each other… Loose sight of each other completely.

Sometimes I can feel him slip through my fingers and desperate as I am, I don’t know what to do.
It’s like sand slipping through your fingers…

I hope the break will do us good, that the good things we have planned together will make us stronger, will make us notice each other again…

Because right now… I don’t know. I know I can get pretty emotional over this, but honestly, the feeling I sometimes have of loosing him… it scares the crap out of me… It’s terrifying… because right now, he is the last thing keeping me up… his love, our relationship… He’s the only strong thing left and if that would be taken away… I don’t know what I would do…

I don’t talk to anyone about it anymore as well, because people say stupid things like “leave him”, “don’t get married if you have doubts”, …
But I’m not going to leave him, because he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He truly is the love of my life, my soulmate.
And I AM going to marry him, because I have no doubts about what I feel for him and what he feels for me.
I KNOW he loves me, as he knows I do.

We are just a couple that have had a shitload of shit to deal with in a few short months… things we didn’t see coming at all…

And just because we kept going on, we didn’t process it properly. Which I now feel like we NEED to do… even though it hurts like hell…
We NEED to grieve
We NEED to cry, be angry, smash things…
We NEED to scream…

we MUST move THROUGH IT, instead of past it.
We need to experience it… We need to let it in.

So that finally, hopefully, after all that
we can give it a place
and move forward without boundaries, without strings keeping us to the past, to the pain, …

together.

– Britt

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Future Plans

When someone asks me how I see my future with my Love I am very honest and direct: I want to marry him and have beautiful babies with him.
I want to buy a house of our own and live there with our two children, our little bunny, cat and at least one dog -preferably a husky-.
I want to travel the world along with my -by then- husband and our beautiful children.

So whenever I answer that, people tend to make big eyes and get very surprised, because I am only 23 years old.

When they say “Oh I get it, you mean in the future, a long time from now”, I answer them: “well no. I honestly want to have children while I’m still this young, I want to get married anytime soon, whenever my Love asks me. I want to live my life while I’m young”, they are even more surprised.

I have deliberately chosen that I want to be a young mother.
And people that don’t agree with me always have an excuse why “You’re too young, you won’t be able to do it.” Well, I believe I can. “You need to save more” If I wouldn’t have enough money to do it or whatever, I wouldn’t even think about it. “Don’t you first want to enjoy life?” As if getting married and/or getting a baby is the end of your life….

For every argument they give, I have an answer in return.
I want to know what I want to do with my life, so does my Love and that’s just great. I told my Love these same things as well as soon as we got serious, so he has known it for over 3 years now, and he agrees with me.

There will always be people that don’t agree with us, or understand our choices, but that’s their problem really.
I’m an adult. I have a job and pay my own bills. I can make my own choices.

So I will wait and see with my Love when the time is right for us to take our love, our life to the next level. And when we do, it will be our choice, and no one else’s.

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Happily Ever After

This was her big day.
The day she’d been dreaming of ever since she was a little girl.
She’d have the perfect wedding.
The perfect dress, the perfect day, the perfect guests, and most of all: the perfect groom.

It had all fallen into place.
They had met a few years back and it had been love at first sight.
Their love was so intense and they spend so much time together that people told them it could never last.
They said that this love was too good to be true.

But still, they made it last.
They made it.
They showed the world that fairytales do exist, and that people can live happily ever after.

Today was yet another chapter in their love.
Their wedding day.

Her hair was done beautifully, her make up was enchanting.
She looked like a true fairytale princess.

He had proposed to her on a romantic evening out.
It was just like in the movies.
They had the most romantic dinner and were going to end the evening with a dessert.
When all of a sudden the waiter came with two champagne glasses.
In hers, there was a beautiful golden ring.
With a big but elegant diamond on it.

As soon as she noticed the ring he got off his seat and kneeled next to her.
“Aleera… ever since we met I fell in love with you.
And I haven’t stopped falling since.
We’ve been through so much, good and bad times.
We’ve had it rough.
We had people being against us.
Against our love.
But we made it nonetheless.
I love you more and more with every day.
So therefore I need to ask you this very important question: would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

She had been speechless for a few seconds.
Before stuttering “yes! of course!” and falling into his arms.

And now here they were, six months later.
Today, she’d marry her one true love.

As she walked down the isle while the music was playing
she saw him standing there.
He looked so heartbreaking beautiful.
As he turned around, her heart skipped a beat.

Then everything went by way too fast for her, but she enjoyed every moment of it.
They said there vows and then came that wonderful moment.
“Then I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride”
As he leaned in to give her the best kiss she ever had.
It was pure magic.

After the kiss, while she was still trying to catch her breath he leaned in and whispered in her ear.
“And they lived happily ever after…”

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Inspirational Song : Parachute- Forever and always

*_ Parachute is a band with some great songs. This one’s one of my personal favorites.
Just listen to the text and think about it. Let it in. _*

She’s sitting at the table, the hours get later
He was supposed to be here
She’s sure he would have called
She waits a little longer, there’s no one in the driveway
No one’s said they seen him
Why, is something wrong?
She looks back to the window
Suddenly the phone rings
A voice says somethings happened
That she should come right now
Her mind goes to December
She thinks of when he asked her
He bent down on his knees first
And he said

I, I want you forever, forever and always
Through the good and the bad and the ugly
We’ll grow old together
Forever and always

She pulls up to the entrance
She walks right to the front desk
They lead her down a million halls a maze that’s never ending
They talk about what happened but she can barely hear them
She tries to keep a straight face as she walks into the room
She sits by his bedside, holds his hand too tight
They talk about the kids they’re gonna have and the good life
The house on the hillside, where they would stay

Stay, there forever, forever and always
Through the good and the bad and the ugly
We’ll grow old together, and always remember
Whether rich or for poor or for better
We’ll still love each other, forever and always

Then she gets an idea and calls in the nurses
Brings up the chaplain and he says a couple versus
She borrows some rings from the couple next door
Everybody’s laughing as the tears fall on the floor
She looks into his eyes, and she says

I, I want you forever, forever and always
Through the good and the bad and the ugly
We’ll grow old together, and always remember
Whether happy or sad or whatever
We’ll still love each other, forever and always
Forever and always, forever and always

She finishes the vows but his beeps are getting too slow
His voice is almost too low
As he says, I love you forever, forever and always
Please just remember even if I’m not there
I’ll always love you, forever and always

Lesson Learned

Lesson Learned

This is a picture for all the gay haters out there.
For me, all people deserve to love and be loved.
No matter if they love someone of the same sex, or the other sex.
Love was and is meant for all.

Also, I find the picture very truthful.
So to all you haters, maybe, after seeing this you might actually start to think about it, and see the consequences of your hatred and ignorance.
Let the message go to your mind, and hopefully, it will be a lesson learned.

The Last Step

It was a cold day. 
Since it was only 6 in the morning, it was still dark outside. 
Silence all around him as he walked out of the front door, into the cold Autumn air.
Most people were still asleep.
Most people.
He took the bus to the station. His usual routine. The same people as every other day got on the bus as well.
He was listening to his iPod, like every other day.
It all seemed so familiar, so normal.
When he reached the station, the song ‘how to save a life’ by the Fray was playing. He put it on repeat. 
Slowly he walked to his platform. Platform 4.
He waited. The song still playing. The lyrics forming an image in his head.
“The train to Ghent-Saint-Peter’s of 6.52 a.m. will soon arrive at track 4”, a voice gently said through speakers.
He lifted his head and looked at the end of the tracks, where the train would soon become visible.
A light appeared, it was like a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Sudden, intense. 
He smiled, as he felt the light shining on his face, more and more brightly by the second.
The train was only a few meters away now.
He took a few steps forward, stood waiting for a second and then jumped.
As he was flying in the air, he could hear the noise the train was making. The honking of the horn. But it was too late now. Useless.
He could see his life flash before his eyes. His happy childhood with loving parents, the day they were taken away from him in a terrible car accident. How he grew up with his aunt and uncle, who had tried their best to make his life as pleasant as possible, but they were never able to fill up the hole that was in his heart, ever since the day his parents died.
How he grew up to become a fine man, even though he was tortured inside. 
The day he had met his wife flashed before his eyes. He smiled. She was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, and she had rejected him a few times, but eventually she agreed to become his girl. He loved her so much. Three years later they married. He was 23, she was only 21, but they were madly in love.
Two years later, she gave him a beautiful son, the dream of every father. He couldn’t have been more proud of her.
A year later, their son died.
Apparently he was born with a very weak heart, and didn’t have a long time to live from the start.
It broke their heart. His wife cried all the time, talked to her friends, became very religious, … he, on the other hand, choose to find his consolation in whisky, vodka, scotch, … 
His wife, religious as she had become, saw the dead of their baby boy as a punishment for sins that they had done.
And with a man with a drinking problem, she was committing an even bigger sin.
So it wasn’t long before she left him. Alone with all his misery. While she herself, had found comfort in the arms of an other man. A man she had met in church.
Friends couldn’t bear his whining and depressed talking anymore. Even his family couldn’t stand being around him anymore.
So he was left completely alone.
Since he had a drinking problem, he lost his job.
No more money.
It was not long before the bailiff came to take all of his possessions. 
Tonight, he would get kicked out of his house.
All of this flashed through his mind as he was floating in the air, the lights of the train coming closer.
He had been thinking about doing this for a couple of weeks now. Just never had the courage.
But now, everything would be fine. Everything would be alright.
Everything would be – …

BAM

The train hit him hard. His body got crushed under the enormous weight.
Bystanders could hear the screeching of the brakes as the train slowed down, and eventually stopped.
People rushed up to see what had happened, but all they saw was a broken body, lying on the tracks of platform 4.
It was impossible to make out what body parts were still complete.
All they could see was a smile on the face, with blood smudged around it.
A smile, as the person lying there, broken, gone, had finally found what he was looking for.
What he had lost.
Smiling, as if he was finally at peace.

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