Feelings & Fears

There are times that I wonder, that I worry.

In exactly 3 weeks from now, I will be a married young woman. On August the 3rd, I say “I do”. It’s official. I will be married.
Although I look forward to it, with all my heart, counting down the days…
I worry as well.

There are times that I feel useless. Maybe even unloved. Misunderstood. Unimportant. Invisible.

I’m used to being invisible, in a way.
I never was popular at school, even though people often told me how beautiful I was. I never did exceptional things. I’m good in a few things and I do a lot, but I don’t excel in anything. I remember every face from people that went to the same school as me, did the same sports, shared my hobbies, … but no one remembers me. And honestly, I don’t mind. I am not someone who needs or even wants to be in the spotlight and although I look forward to our wedding party next year, I kind of get panic attacks when I realise that my love and I will be -or at least are supposed to be- in the spotlights all day… that is also a reason why I want to keep it small, intimate.

I’m used to feeling useless.
I never felt needed, or at least not much. People often used me but they never needed me, not truly.

I’m used to being excluded, I always felt excluded in my family, my friend groups, school, hobbies, … and things like Facebook don’t help that feeling, at all…
It’s all fake and I know it, but still… It would be fun to have someone post awesome statuses about me as well, tagging me in pictures…

I often feel alone…
Misunderstood.
As if I come from another world and no one quite thinks or reacts like me… I feel like an outsider. An intruder.

My love was the first one to truly accept me as I am, for who I am.
All my weird unusual characteristics as well.

But lately, ever since we started living together and even before that I feel excluded from this relationship as well, from time to time.
I don’t feel needed, except for cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, …
When I express my needs, my hopes, … nothing happens.
At the best we often fight about it.

We are a good couple, a great couple in fact, but we had a very, very rough year.
We went through some things that weren’t caused by us at all, but we went through anyway… we had them thrown in our face and had to deal with them… which I now feel like we never did.
We pushed ourselves through it all, but never really dealt with it. Experience it. Give it a place…

We lost someone we both dearly loved…
Had our future changed multiple times, in a bad way…

The past months were so rough…
That’s why I , we decided to take a break from something we could: having a baby.

The past 2,5 years we’ve been trying to get pregnant… in multiple ways, with help, because the doctor very early assured me that there was no way I could get pregnant on my own…
It’s been a long, painful, rollercoaster of a road…
In June, we had our first IVF-treatment, finally.
It was hell.. all the injections, the egg pick-up, the placement, … the pain was incredible.
Good news, bad news, good news…. a true rollercoaster…
We were pregnant, then we weren’t , then we were, … and then the news: we were pregnant, but we wouldn’t stay pregnant… I would miscarriage… guaranteed.
The only question was when and how. Would I need surgery? would it come ‘naturally’?

And what the doctor predicted happened: I miscarried.
I was pregnant, and then I wasn’t…

So now my body is exhausted, my mind broken… I need some rest… Some time with my love…
I need to feel like me again, no hormones, no injections…
I need rest… to be able to go places, do things without worrying about the injections I need to place, the doctor visits, …

So I decided to take a break, for at least 2 months.
To be a girlfriend, a fiancĂ©e, a future wife again…
To be a couple again.

But it feels like we both work through things in our own way, in two separate worlds…
I feel like my Love is getting out of my sight… like he is moving away and I can’t see him anymore, can’t keep up with him.

I’m scared that it will get worse when we are married… and that we would both become unhappy. Become a burden to each other… Loose sight of each other completely.

Sometimes I can feel him slip through my fingers and desperate as I am, I don’t know what to do.
It’s like sand slipping through your fingers…

I hope the break will do us good, that the good things we have planned together will make us stronger, will make us notice each other again…

Because right now… I don’t know. I know I can get pretty emotional over this, but honestly, the feeling I sometimes have of loosing him… it scares the crap out of me… It’s terrifying… because right now, he is the last thing keeping me up… his love, our relationship… He’s the only strong thing left and if that would be taken away… I don’t know what I would do…

I don’t talk to anyone about it anymore as well, because people say stupid things like “leave him”, “don’t get married if you have doubts”, …
But I’m not going to leave him, because he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He truly is the love of my life, my soulmate.
And I AM going to marry him, because I have no doubts about what I feel for him and what he feels for me.
I KNOW he loves me, as he knows I do.

We are just a couple that have had a shitload of shit to deal with in a few short months… things we didn’t see coming at all…

And just because we kept going on, we didn’t process it properly. Which I now feel like we NEED to do… even though it hurts like hell…
We NEED to grieve
We NEED to cry, be angry, smash things…
We NEED to scream…

we MUST move THROUGH IT, instead of past it.
We need to experience it… We need to let it in.

So that finally, hopefully, after all that
we can give it a place
and move forward without boundaries, without strings keeping us to the past, to the pain, …

together.

– Britt

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Romance

I like to think of myself as a romantic person.
Always have.

I can enjoy a good chick-flick, but often end up irritated.
True love isn’t about letting the right person go, getting into a relationship with someone and end up cheating on your current partner with “the one”.

I know that true love isn’t easy, and not always clear to see in the moment. But it doesn’t give you an excuse to cheat on your current partner, even if when it is with “your one true love”.

For that reason, I don’t like The Notebook for example. She can’t seem to make up her mind, dumps him, becomes engaged to someone else and end up cheating on him with her first love… I do , however, totally adore the fact that years later, when they are both old, he still stands by her and tells her their story -without her knowing at first it’s their story-. I love how he still loves her and looks after her. I love that you can really tell how much they love each other. And the ending, when they die together is simply beautiful.

But that’s pretty much the only part of the movie that I like.
You have a few other movies like that as well, and I know, the girl/guy usually has reasons why they did what they did, and people can relate to that but still…
I usually feel bad for the other guys/girls that get used in the meanwhile, that get cheated on and have their heart broken.

No, I’m a romantic.
That’s why , for example, I love vampires so much.
They pick someone and stay with them, for eternity. That kind of old school romance, true, unconditional love…
It warms my heart just thinking about it.

So when you ask me what my favourite romantic movie is then, I can say , without hesitation: “Ps. I love you”.
They were a couple that wasn’t perfect, but they loved each other nonetheless and were faithful. And so adorable, even though they hadn’t got the easiest life.

Even after he died, he kept taking care of her.

I could go on endlessly, but I’ll leave it a this.

I’m a romantic.
I believe in true love.
In fighting for what you love.
In unconditional love.
My favourite flowers are red roses, I know, how typical can you be.
I love kisses and walks during sunset.
I love long conversations that go deep into the night.
I love all the mushy romantic things.
I’m a real sucker for romance.

The love from old movies, books.
Where men were gentlemen.
Where women knew what they wanted.

I am romantic myself as well, in my actions.
I often prepare breakfast for my love, and give him breakfast on bed.
I love to surprise him.
I love to make him feel loved.

And as I am writing this, I am thinking about how I would love to watch a good movie again.

Life’s too short, so that’s what I’ll do now.

Talk soon ,my lovelies.

– Britt

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It’s Been A While

It’s been months since my last post, I’m aware.
Believe me when I say I would have loved to write down my feelings, and whats going on…
But the truth is, ever since people from my neighbourhood found this blog that was and still is so precious to me and made fun of everything on it… my blog hasn’t truly felt safe anymore…
It feels violated.
I don’t know who else is reading along, is it just my faithful followers, my wordpress friends? People I love and care about?

Or are those from my “real life” still around? lurking to see if they can find some juicy story that they can exploit?
How safe is it for me, to post things on here?
Will people read it behind my back? make fun of it? talk to my family or friends about it?

I have so many things I want to talk about… that I NEED to talk about.
Get them off my chest.

Even if no one reads them
comments on them or even cares about them…
I just need to write them down.

A few times I was here, writing those things down but ended up deleting them in the end… because I got scared.

I hate it.
My blog was my own space, my escape. With all these lovelies following me, the sweet comments, the good friends…

I hope that soon, I’ll feel safe enough to start writing here again…

Because I really miss this..
I miss this place.

I put so much time, effort and tears in creating this safe space.
This virtual world.

I’m not planning on getting it taken away so easily from me…

I’m a lover, not a fighter, but I’ll fight for what I love…

– Britt

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Happiness Is Expensive

Happiness is expensive.

It’s a thought I often had and still have from time to time.
When I am sad and thinking about what I can do to make things better.
Most of the time I’m stressed, exhausted, …
The best solution I can come up with then is : “I need some time off. Take a break from work, from school and just get my love and go on a little vacation, even if just for a weekend.”
Then I eagerly start to look up trips that are fitting to what I need, sadly, trips cost money.
And when you don’t work -at least at my current job-, you don’t get paid.
It often makes me sad and then I say to my love “That we are to poor to be truly happy, because we can’t go anywhere or buy things that make us happy”.

I let it sink and then I realise: happiness doesn’t cost a thing.
It’s not taking a trip that can only make you happy, or buying expensive things.

Happiness, at least for me, is spending the evening with friends and their little children -as we are going to do tonight-.
Happiness is having a movie night with either one of our younger brothers, or both.
Happiness is going out with friends, having drinks or something to eat.
Happiness is lying on the couch with your lover behind you, his arms wrapped around you, his breath in your neck, watching a show and softly falling asleep, together.
Happiness is coming home to a cat meowing frantically , happy that you are home.
Happiness is a little bunny jumping up and down his bench when he sees or hears you coming home, or coming downstairs in the morning.

Happiness can be whatever you want it to be.
When you let it, the small things become big ones.

Happiness is everywhere, if you just let it.

I am tired of looking at what I don’t have, instead I learn myself to focus on what I do have.
I appreciate what I have, and who I have.
The lover by my side
The friends.

Happiness is a choice.
And I choose to be happy.

– Britt

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Bright Future Ahead

Today I had an oral exam early in the morning.
I got up on time, with my love, and we drove to my school – a drive of about half an hour , give or take-.
I was very nervous getting in, but was able to calm myself.
At the end of the exam I had a “really? that was it?”-feeling.
I went to the reception to collect my exam results from my second and third exam. They were less than I imagined, and one of them I flunked.
I was kind of disappointed at first but then remembered:
I haven’t had much time to study for those exams, no time to make summaries, didn’t even get to read the whole book for one of the two, so in fact, I didn’t do that bad.
It alsof felt quite nice that I didn’t have to tell my results to parents at home now, knowing that I would get a lot of bad, negative, mean comments about it. That I would get punished. That I would feel even worse. Like a failure.

No, this time, it was different. Because this time I’m not studying for anyone else, or because someone else wants me to. This time, I’m doing this for me.
Because I want to graduate and have a bachelor degree. Because I want to be able to give myself a better future, and my family.
Because I want myself and my future husband to have a better future, to give my future children more chances.
I want to be able to improve my life, and in the meantime those of others as well.

I am doing this for me.
And even though I’m keeping up high standards for myself, I sometimes need to pat myself on the shoulder. Because I know that I work hard, doing my utter best to balance work, my relationship, my household, friends, family, planning a wedding and a few others things at the same time.
It’s crazy at times, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
So if I look at all that, it’s no disgrace really to have to do some exams again this summer.
I only failed 1 out of 3 this far, so that’s not bad at all.
Also because the one I failed, is one that almost everybody failed, there have been a lot of complaints to the principal about the unfairness of the exam, and my grades aren’t final until the end of June, so a lot can happen in the meantime.

It feels good to realise that finally, I have my life in my own hands.
That I can make my own choices.
That there’s no one yelling and calling me names behind my back, forcing me to do things I don’t want to.
I feel so free whenever I realise that.
And my love is by my side, supporting me. Not pushing me.

I feel so free, so mature.
Making my own choices, paving my own path.
For the first time in my life, I see good things ahead, and I couldn’t be happier.

– Britt

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To All My Lovelies

Ever since I started this blog a few years back I have written a lot of things, some personal, some rather distant.
Some fiction, other non-fiction.
Every now and then there have been readers/followers that have recognised themselves in some of my texts.
Some answer in a comment and tell me a part of their story, others don’t.
I understand that some of you might think as you are reading “hey, I’ve been through that too! I understand what she means!” but are afraid to comment because of the fact that everyone else can see their comment. It makes you feel vulnerable.

I understand that, because for me it’s also a big step to comment on other people’s posts, reacting with my own story, my own experience.

This is also the reason that ever since my blog was mocked in my hometown and made fun of, I have been resistant to write any more personal things… To be completely honest even now, I’m still scared that someone with bad intentions that knows me in my daily life -even if from a distance- will read all of this and mock me.

But like they said in the movie “A Cinderella Story” – the one with Hilary Duff- “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game”.

I still love my blog, I miss my blog.
And in the past days I have written about 4 posts, and it’s a relief.
It feels good to be back.

I am still me, and helping people is still one of my greatest passions.
I know that I am just a group of words, written on a computer screen.
But if for some people I can be of help, a support, a shoulder to cry on ; I would like that.

So if any of you have thoughts, stories or anything else to tell me…
Now you can, without commenting on here.

I have made a special e-mail account where readers/followers/friends from this blog can contact me on.

You can tell me a funny story, share a poem, put your heart out, give suggestions for the blog, ask to publish something of yours … anything is possible.

If I can only help one person, or make just one person smile again.
I would be a very happy girl.

So for all my lovelies:
bittersweetromance@hotmail.com (without the x that is in the name of the blog!)

is the e-mail you can contact me on.
I hope I won’t get mails from people with bad intentions or dirty pictures or that kind of stuff, but if I do: I will delete them immediately.

but for the ones that want to talk:

bittersweetromance@hotmail.com

I’ll talk to you soon my lovelies

for now: all my love

– Britt

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Facebook

Lately I’ve been having a hard time being on Facebook.
Suddenly it all occurred to me that it’s really fake, and not at all what it used to be.
Several years ago I made a Facebook account to stay in touch with my foster family from my school trip to England. Along the way I got to know new people from all over the world via IMVU for example.
Friends in high school started to use Facebook as well and eventually I got all the people I cared about together in one spot, since MSN Messenger was more and more outdated …

In the beginning, that was what Facebook was to me: a way to stay in touch.
But over the years it kind of turned into a trophy channel: you have to impress each and every Facebook friend with heartwarming, smart, fun, … statuses. Post as many as possible pictures of yourself. Your relationship had to seem perfect, and straight out of a fairytale book. Bouquets with the most beautiful flowers in it, dinner dates, concerts, …
Followed by a string of pictures from exotic vacations in far away magical beautiful countries…

That seems to be what Facebook has become now:
A way to make sure that everyone believes that your life is perfect.
That you are feeling great.

And the truth is: It’s fake really.
And it’s exhausting as well to be competing all the time, convincing everyone that everything is perfect.
It’s not.
It’s fake.

Couples fight every once in a while, it’s normal.
So maybe the girlfriend got a bouquet because the boyfriend screwed up big time, or because they had a big fight the night before and this is his way to make it up to her.

I know I have a great, true relationship.
Like every normal relationship we have had our ups and our big downs, but we make it through.
And the best moments with my love, I don’t share online. Because those moments are intimate and very personal.

I am even thinking about deleting my Facebook account.
It’s either that or deleting most of my Facebook friends.
I am spending less time on Facebook, and when I do I just react to things other people post. I mostly post articles I like, I find interesting, …

I think it’s important to not let life pass you by.
Live life offline, not online.
Spend more time with your real friends, your boyfriend/girlfriend, family…

Cherish the special moments.
And if you do so , you might realise that life is way too beautiful and inspiring to live spend behind a computer or a cellphone.

Life is out there, go experience it.

– Britt

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