Precious Friend

Today I got a message from one of my best friends.
I met him only last school year, but we hit of right away. He’s an old soul in a young guy’s body.
He’s an artist, a painter/drawer.
And his work is absolutely beautiful.
We soon became good friends, as we were in the same group of friends all the time. And since we were together in class for one of my two courses.
One of the other friends became his girlfriend.
And together they are one of the cutest couples I’ve ever seen. So adorable.
It was great spending time with the gang, but then things changed over Summer break.
I changed schools to study something else, two of the friends stayed at the school, the other girl (the girlfriend) went back to high school to do a seventh year, specialization and he went to art school to practice his arts even more.
Which I think is great, since he really has a talent.
To other people, that don’t know him (well), he looks kind of grumpy, bad-mooded all the time.
But once you get to know him -that is, if HE likes YOU, because he’s not too fond of people in general, and who can blame him?- you’d find out that he’s quite amazing and wonderful.
He has so much wisdom in him.
He truly is one of a kind, and my (girl)friend is very , very lucky to have him, even though what makes them so perfect together, is that they’re both two of the most loving, caring and sweetest persons I have ever met.
And I really miss them.
My ‘mommy and daddy’ as I call them.
I can’t stand missing them for another three months, or more.So this evening, as I was gone, I had received a message from him.

“Sometimes one thinks of the past and reflects about all the good and bad things that happened to him. The persons he met, what they mean to him… and they say that you only know what you miss when you’ve lost it. Well, I realize that I have had many friends (girls & boys) and that they came and went, and that I don’t even miss most of them.  But I do very much miss you Britt. I have many good memories to thank you for, just my way of saying thanks I guess. ♥”

As I read this, I got speechless. I froze behind my screen as I got all emotional. I immediately replied, saying how much I miss him too, talking about some good memories that we share.
I really do hope that I’ll see him and Mommy again soon.
Because they really mean so much, and one can never have enough of good friends.
True friends.

Wednesday Morning

Determined to not have my  day ruined today, I slept long, 45 minutes longer than I normally sleep on a Wednesday morning, and took the time to wake up properly.
I did what I do about every morning since the last two weeks. I woke up and took my laptop, checked my blog and facebook (the class group, to see if there was anything new) and finished some school work.
Then I decided that I had deserved to take a nice, long, hot shower to fully energize. After a heavenly shower, I took the time to pick out my outfit for today.
I went with a knit skirt, some stockings, a black pullover with a boat neck and my favourite pair of shoes: short black boots that only cover my ankle. And to keep myself warm even more, I put on my leg warmers.
After a nice breakfast, I went to my mom’s work, since she’d be driving me to the train station.
As I stood on the train platform, I couldn’t help but smiling. And if I would’ve been alone in the station, I’m pretty sure I would’ve danced. For no reason.
I just felt so happy.
As I stood there, realizing that I have so many things to be thankful for.
I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me so much, my younger sister and I are more than just sisters, we’re one of each others best friends. My younger brother and I share two of my three hobbies, and only last weekend, we both played two concerts with our band.  He plays the trumpet, and I play saxophone. It was my first concert. And I was so nervous, but my teacher assured me that it was very good.
I have great friends, and the best class ever. All of them are very supporting, sweet and caring. And funny, you wouldn’t believe! We have so much fun everyday!
And as I was waiting for my train to come, I texted my boyfriend that I’d come and visit him tonight (he’s a bit sick, the poor thing).
And as I got a message back, saying I had just made his day, I couldn’t help but smiling so hard, I’m pretty sure people would think I’m crazy.
Wednesday is my favourite day during the week.
I can sleep out, have lots of time to make myself ready, … even though when I get off my train, I have to wait for about an hour on my bus, but I don’t mind that much. I sit in the station, reading in a book that I’ve recently bought.
Sometimes I enjoy sitting just by myself, peaceful and quiet. Just reading, writing, thinking, …
I can surely enjoy those moments of solitude.
And then in the evening, I come home and see my love.
Yes, today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

“The thought o…

“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“But in the end…

“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.”
― Albert Camus

The Last Step

It was a cold day. 
Since it was only 6 in the morning, it was still dark outside. 
Silence all around him as he walked out of the front door, into the cold Autumn air.
Most people were still asleep.
Most people.
He took the bus to the station. His usual routine. The same people as every other day got on the bus as well.
He was listening to his iPod, like every other day.
It all seemed so familiar, so normal.
When he reached the station, the song ‘how to save a life’ by the Fray was playing. He put it on repeat. 
Slowly he walked to his platform. Platform 4.
He waited. The song still playing. The lyrics forming an image in his head.
“The train to Ghent-Saint-Peter’s of 6.52 a.m. will soon arrive at track 4”, a voice gently said through speakers.
He lifted his head and looked at the end of the tracks, where the train would soon become visible.
A light appeared, it was like a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Sudden, intense. 
He smiled, as he felt the light shining on his face, more and more brightly by the second.
The train was only a few meters away now.
He took a few steps forward, stood waiting for a second and then jumped.
As he was flying in the air, he could hear the noise the train was making. The honking of the horn. But it was too late now. Useless.
He could see his life flash before his eyes. His happy childhood with loving parents, the day they were taken away from him in a terrible car accident. How he grew up with his aunt and uncle, who had tried their best to make his life as pleasant as possible, but they were never able to fill up the hole that was in his heart, ever since the day his parents died.
How he grew up to become a fine man, even though he was tortured inside. 
The day he had met his wife flashed before his eyes. He smiled. She was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, and she had rejected him a few times, but eventually she agreed to become his girl. He loved her so much. Three years later they married. He was 23, she was only 21, but they were madly in love.
Two years later, she gave him a beautiful son, the dream of every father. He couldn’t have been more proud of her.
A year later, their son died.
Apparently he was born with a very weak heart, and didn’t have a long time to live from the start.
It broke their heart. His wife cried all the time, talked to her friends, became very religious, … he, on the other hand, choose to find his consolation in whisky, vodka, scotch, … 
His wife, religious as she had become, saw the dead of their baby boy as a punishment for sins that they had done.
And with a man with a drinking problem, she was committing an even bigger sin.
So it wasn’t long before she left him. Alone with all his misery. While she herself, had found comfort in the arms of an other man. A man she had met in church.
Friends couldn’t bear his whining and depressed talking anymore. Even his family couldn’t stand being around him anymore.
So he was left completely alone.
Since he had a drinking problem, he lost his job.
No more money.
It was not long before the bailiff came to take all of his possessions. 
Tonight, he would get kicked out of his house.
All of this flashed through his mind as he was floating in the air, the lights of the train coming closer.
He had been thinking about doing this for a couple of weeks now. Just never had the courage.
But now, everything would be fine. Everything would be alright.
Everything would be – …

BAM

The train hit him hard. His body got crushed under the enormous weight.
Bystanders could hear the screeching of the brakes as the train slowed down, and eventually stopped.
People rushed up to see what had happened, but all they saw was a broken body, lying on the tracks of platform 4.
It was impossible to make out what body parts were still complete.
All they could see was a smile on the face, with blood smudged around it.
A smile, as the person lying there, broken, gone, had finally found what he was looking for.
What he had lost.
Smiling, as if he was finally at peace.

Terrible Tuesday

Today something terrible happened.

My day started like any other day, got up at 5.30 a.m., left at home around 6.10 a.m. and took the bus to the train station.
While I was on the bus, I was thinking “it’s going to be a good day today”.
And then it happened.
I was on the train for about … half an hour when the female voice of the conductor said that there was an object on the rails near the station of Lede, so that we had to slow down our speed and that we would have a ten minutes delay.
I thought it was strange, I mean, what do they actually mean by ‘object on the rails’? Just take it away then? Problem solved.
And then it came.
As we moved closer to Lede station, I saw five to six police cars standing next to the rails. The first rails, on the outer side.
As the train was slowing down, I saw what they meant with ‘object on the rails’.
Because of the slow speed we had, I could see about three police officers do the last investigations on a deformed and mutilated body. The body was so mutilated, that I couldn’t even make out whether it was a male or a female. There were still little parts of hair on the head, but I’m guessing that all the rest got pulled out as he/she had jumped under the train. Arms were standing in unnatural ways. Twisted, broken.
A part of the chest and belly were ripped open.
Or at least that’s what it looked like. 
Ripped clothing. 
Hanging on the broken body, waving in the wind like flags.
After the investigation, an officer covered the body with a white sheet. The kind of sheets you see in the movies when they find a body.
In the middle of the white sheet, there was a big red stain. Blood.
It came from the lower part of the body.
I was shocked, and stopped breathing for a second.
I could feel my heart just shrink together.

I was shocked. Couldn’t believe my eyes.
My eyes were standing wide as I was trying to understand what I had just seen.

Apparently , no one else had seen it. Either because they were too busy talking to their friend, partner, or because they simply weren’t looking out of the window.
I didn’t know what to do and just kept staring out of the window, even though we had long passed the place and even Lede station, where apparently no one knew what had happened only a few metres away from them.
It felt so unreal, and so real at the same time.
I knew some people commit suicide by jumping in front of a train, I had heard stories, seen those kind of cases brought by the news on television in the evening, but I had never, ever been so close beside this kind of suicide, ever.
And shocked me as much as it did with the suicide of my neighbour.  

Of course, these kinds of things aren’t meant to be a regular experience, or even a pleasant one, that’s just unreal.
You never get used to it.
For the rest of the day, I had a hard time concentrating on the classes, which is somewhere logical if you ask me.
Right after I had seen it on the train , I had texted my boyfriend and sister, whom both replied, comforting me and talking to me.
I can still see the images flashing before my eyes.

I hope that they won’t stay, just like all the other ones. 

I couldn’t help but wondering again, why on earth someone would want to do that. I mean, I take the train almost everyday and I’ve been next to a train thousands of times and I could never how you would find the courage -if that’s what you could call it- to throw themselves in front of something like that. Because it’s known that some people, when they commit suicide, change their minds as they are dying. People who hang themselves, try to loosen the knot, to free themselves, grasp for the cord, without success. People that drown themselves try to get back up to the surface, … 
So I wonder, if you throw yourself in front of something huge like a train, don’t you ever hesitate? Are you really that depressed then? Do you want to die so badly, that you want to mutilate your body so badly by doing so?
Was this really the only way out? Had all hope been lost? Did they leave children, a lover, family behind? Didn’t they care about their loved ones? The hurt and pain it would bring to them?
It might sound sick, but I admire the courage it takes to end your own life. Because I’ve been there, way down, but never had the courage to actually finish it. Too leave it all behind.
I was too weak. 
And I feel for the people that did.
I hope that they’ve found peace, wherever they are.

Fantasies

And happily she danced away, back into her fairytale world.
The cold, dark world we call ‘reality’ had somehow found a way to crawl in the magnificent fairytale alike place that she called hers.
Her little piece of Eden.
But the good had overcome, and the bad had come undone.
Dancing around with fairy wings, throwing magic dust all around her.
Dancing, hopping, walking, jumping, …
She had never felt that alive before.
But it were the people that she loved that made her this way.
The people that read her stories, her thoughts, her pain and her joy.
The people who loved to listen to what she had to say.
Some might even spread her message from time to time.
They were wonderful, each and everyone unique in their own special way.
Each and everyone too kind for this world.
They are the kind of people that make the dark clouds go away, and bring back the sunshine in your life.
They are the kind of people, that she is writing for.
People with own opinions and immense kindness.
People who believe.
People who still try to make the world a better place, no matter what.
And people who still dream.

Dancing away, smiling, with a rose in her hand. Red as the love she felt.
Burning with a flame of intensity.
Burning, to last throughout the ages.
Burning, for all that she loves.

I can see my so…

I can see my soul reflected in your eyes ♥
– Britt

Manic Monday

Today was a bad day. Even though I had lots of fun as well. 
It kind of went to extremes. 
Let’s start at the beginning. 
Yesterday night I decided to go to bed early, since my boyfriend left early as well. 
Instead of getting more sleep than usual, I got even less sleep. I fell asleep around 2a.m and since I get up at 5.30a.m. … it hurt to get up. 
Then the fact that monday is a really , crappy, stupid, boring ass school day. 
Filled with three classes which I really don’t like, and pretty much suck at.
Luckily for me, it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but still bad though. Not to be mistaken.
The afternoon class especially was great!
Since none of us really knew what we were meant to do, and most of us had already finished the assignment, we had time to chat, listen to music and do whatever we liked on our laptops. With internet from school.
Partay!
I was sitting next to some awesome classmates -yes, my class is the best!- and had so much fun. Laughed so much that it sometimes even hurt.
Listened to great music (and not so great music, I mean… Space Unicorn, really?), got tortured by all kinds of nyan cat versions (hitler “nein nein nein”-cat, gangnam cat, …)
_I absolutely HATE the gangnam style song by the way, because it’s stupid and because it always keeps getting stuck in my head_
got some help by an old classmate and friend to install some stuff, to have Windows on my mac, so that I could play Assassin’s Creed III (best game evah! -and with that I mean Assassin’s Creed in general, not just this one-).
Then the bad part started. My boyfriend had been home all day, since he wasn’t feeling well.
And normally, I see him monday evening since I do the cash at the swimming pool across my house and he comes to keep me company.
I sit there for 3 hours, and he comes the last hour and a half.
So I’m not lonely all the time.
During my break, he texted me that he wouldn’t come this evening, since he was feeling way too bad.
I felt really sad.
Since even though it had only been a day since I’ve last seen him, I already missed him.
And because I knew that now I’d have to wait untill Friday to see him.
So yeah, big bummer for me.
And it was lonely indeed.
Sitting there for three hours, playing Assassin’s Creed until suddenly my laptop decided that I didn’t have any battery left and just shut itself down.
So I started reading a book but still…
It wasn’t the same.
When I put the cash back in its place, the chest, I felt so alone…
I could see him and myself crossing the street, saying goodnight with kisses and hugs.
I missed that.
Sure hope I’ll be able to see him Wednesday evening, because I don’t think that I’d survive 4,5 days without seeing him.
He’s my sweet addiction.
And love is the only addiction that doesn’t harm, that you can never get enough of.

Thoughts Racing Through My Mind

On the song “You won’t feel a thing” by The Script I’m laying here in my bed.
Thinking about all these feelings, while I’m trying not to think of them.
Feeling all these things, while all I want to do is finally get some sleep.
Staring at my clock, counting the hours that are left.
7 hours going on 6, going on 5 … 
It will be morning way too soon.
Monday’s a though day.
Thoughts of doom are fogging up my mind. 
So many things racing through my mind. 
School, lost friendships, new friendships, love.
Am I enough? Will I ever be enough?
“When trouble thinks it’s found us
The world falls down around us 
I promise baby you won’t ever
You won’t ever feel a thing”
“I promise you won’t feel a thing
Cause everything the world could throw
I’ll stand in front. I’ll take the blow for you.
For you.”
These songs, I love them. Their texts speaking of unconditional love. 
The kind that’s rarely found these days.
Ahh the late night thoughts. Gotta love them.
All kinds of things racing through my mind.
Uncertainties. Fears. Future visions. Past memories. Hurt inside.
Making a balance of life as it is right now.
People I lost, friends. Friends I thought I’d have forever.
Friends I thought I’d never make.
A love I thought I’d never feel, experience.
Lost friendships renewed.
Old ones lost.

It’s a crazy world out there.
One can only try and be strong enough to make it out there. But as long as I have certain people by my side, I know I’ll be just fine.

Now it definitely is time to go to sleep. So time to shut those thoughts and feelings down and make way for the nice comfort softness that is sleep when you need it.

So goodnight to all of you my dears, and I’ll see you tomorrow! ♥

And this is the song “You won’t feel a thing” by The Script, which I talked about earlier in the text. It’s a beautiful song by a great band, I strongly recommend them. And if you can, just listen to their texts. It ‘ll make you fall in love with them just like it did with me. Enjoy!

The Script – You Won’t Feel A Thing