Your Arms Are My Shelter

When I’m restless or I’m hurt, I come and hide in your arms.
They are my fortress, a portal to a magical world where only the two of us exist.
As I lay beside you, your arms around me… I feel safe. I feel home.

It’s where I belong and where I’ve always wanted to be.
And those moments, when I’m just laying there, gazing at you..
those moments are pure perfection.

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As I stroke your hair I feel a sudden need to become religious
because that way I could thank the higher power that gave you to me.
You truly are a blessing, the most wonderful gift I could ever imagine.

When times were rough, we fought.
We said bad things, or none at all.
You made me cry. But in the end; neither of us could leave, and the reason is simple: love.

I love you so much that sometimes it feels as if my heart is going to burst.
I long for you, I need you.
I desire you… even when you’re laying right beside me.

I am so grateful to have you, us and this wonderful, fairytale-alike love that we share.
May it be a happily ever after for the both of us.

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Every Rose Has It’s Thorns

I recently learned that love isn’t always a fairytale.
Of course I’ve known that before as well, but this time it was different.
I actually felt like giving up, just saying that I’m done with it and walk away.
But the silly thing with love, true love is that you simply can’t.
I could feel every fibre of my body fight against the thought that was spinning in my head. Racing through my mind.
I could feel my heart shatter and burst just by thinking of it.
Of leaving him.
And that’s what I told him.
That I couldn’t go on like this. That it’s tearing me apart.
It’s killing me. Exhausting me. I have no more energy left to fight, it literally drains every little drop of energy and life that I have.
I’m so exhausted these days.
I sleep late, reaaaal late (sometimes it’s already noon when I get up…).
Sometimes I sleep about 11 hours a night.
Or more.
I get headaches basically all the time.
We argue. We don’t fight, but we argue.
I get irritated by so many things.

And only last night we found out that we don’t really argue about all those little things, but that it’s just part of the big thing that’s wrong.
Suddenly we could see the bigger picture.

I told him how much I love him, how deeply I adore and cherish him as well as every moment that we’ve spend together.
We’ve been through some hard times together, but we are made for each other and we got through.

I cried my heart out saying that I hate to feel this way, I hate that I get angry or irritated.
I hate that he knows it when I am, but simply doesn’t ask if anything is wrong, what’s wrong and what we can do about it.
I keep silent and he just…. sits next to me.
He’d even just go to bed and say nothing, act as if everything’s alright, nothing’s wrong.
Which then irritated me again.

I can never go to bed angry, I have to clear my mind before I go to bed.
Which is exactly why I’m writing all of this at 1:11 a.m. 
I don’t want to tell anyone about this because they’ll simply say that we’ve spent too much time together and we need to take a break or even break up blablabla…

But I don’t want to hear it, because that’s not true.

We NEED each other, and I will Never EVER leave him, as I told him last night.
He’s just.. having a mental breakdown, like he already had one time before, with his ex girlfriend a few years back.

He’s the kind of person that keeps every problem to himself and well…
you can’t do that. It’s not healthy. You need to talk those things through.
Take someone’s advice. It ‘ll make you feel better as well.
Sometimes I ask questions on purpose to drag it out of him.

I asked him what happened last time that he had such a mental breakdown, apparently it meant the end of his relationship.
Which obviously scared me a bit, but I instantly assured him that I wasn’t going anywhere as long as he wouldn’t make me suffer too much and assure me every now and then that he still loved me.
I promised him that times would get better. That we’d make it, together.
And as I told him that, I actually believed it myself.

I know it’s going to be hard , it already has.
I’ve had countless nights that I just needed to get out of the house, last night as well when I simply told him that I’d be making a walk and left his house.
He came after me.
I’ve had countless nights that I just cried my heart out.
I’ve had countless nights and days that I felt so angry or irritated.

I told him that it had felt as if he was trying to irritate me on purpose.
We talked everything through.
How I felt, what he felt and experienced…
And although we didn’t find any solutions for our problem, today we had a great day.
And I know that there’ll be many more, and it’s for those kind of days that I keep holding on.
Because I know that this is just temporary, it ‘ll get better once he found a good job that he actually likes.
It ‘ll get even better when I finish my education and graduate.

I’ll keep holding on to him, no matter what.
Because a life without him wouldn’t be worth living.

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I Need A Break

Sometimes we have doubts, about things we were so sure of once.
What we were going to study, who we would love, who would always be our best friends, what your life would be like…

But the truth is
that you never know for sure.
You never know for sure, unless you have some actual proof.

When you start studying what you always wanted to do, and it works out great.
When you’re in a relationship with the one you’ve always loved, and it’s a true fairytale love.
When your friends are always by your side, no matter how long it has been since you last talked, or since you’ve even seen each other, …
No matter what.

I’m not saying that I’m having doubts about all these things.
I love my boyfriend with all my heart, I really hope I get to spend the rest of my life with him but I’m just finding out that fairytales really doesn’t exist.
That love don’t come easy.
That a real, long lasting relationship is hard work.
Everyday a little bit.

I feel naive.
For ever believing that a relationship would always be as passionate as in the beginning.
For believing that you could keep acting like two teenagers whom are insanely in love.

In a way, I still am.
But in the other way, it’s damn hard work from time to time.
And I’ve reached a point where I’m currently so tired of trying.
I’ll just… let it go for a few days.

I need a break.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love my boyfriend any less.
I won’t ignore or outrun him.

I just need to focus on myself for some time.
Give myself a break.
Maybe that ‘ll make him realize how much I actually give.

I know this sounds bad, but I don’t see it that way.
I just overdid it.
That’s all.

That’s the thing with me.
I’m a feelings person. 
And as I feel every little feeling so intense, it sometimes gets too much for me.
This is one of those moments.

Sometimes all those feelings, all those new experiences get too much.
There’s some stuff going on at home, I just started my new education, I see my boyfriend less than the past two months, he started working again so he’ll be tired again, he’s still hurt from some bruises and injuries, …

I just need a break.
I’ll try to take a break.
I need it.

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Looking Back

It’s around this time of the year that I always sit and think for a moment.
As I sit and think, I look back on the past year. Did I achieve the goals I had set for myself? Am I happy now?

And if I’m being completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I didn’t get where I wanted to be.
By now, I thought I’d be in my second year of college studying to become a history/ English teacher in high school.
I had to let go of my dream to be a teacher once I found out that I just wasn’t able to talk in front of so much people, the history/English part, I would’ve succeeded in, if I would’ve worked harder, but the teaching part… no… that failed.
So I watched my dream of the past eight to ten years just..crumble and burn to ashes. Which was hard.
Instead, I’m now in my first year of Graphical Design.
Studying something I swore I’d never, ever do again.
And I have to admit, I hate this first semester, since I have every possible course, and I hate web design for example.
But the second semester is going to be much, much better, since after our January exams, we get to choose our study. There are four different ones, and we have to pick one.
I feel good about mine, even though I’m leaving my great friends from my class now behind…
So as far as school goes, I consider myself failed.
I lost contact with some friends. Some I don’t mind losing contact with, but the school year before, I had four great friends, and I surely miss them…
I’m so busy with school all the time now (yes, even more than last year!), since we have to constantly work and all my remaining time goes to my family, hobbies and my amazing boyfriend.
That’s a big win for me this year.
A year ago, I had my heart broken by a boy that I loved, but he didn’t love me back. Instead, he used me. Played me. Which hurt, a lot.
So, while writing in my Diary (which I don’t really do anymore) I promised myself, as I was writing a poem, that in a year or so, I’d make a perfect pair with someone, that I’d be happy, in love. That I’d find a great boy and love him to bits.
I said that he would be nice, loving, caring, tender and playful, maybe even a bit romantic.
And I’m so deliriously happy to say that I have found him.
No matter what, he stands by my side. Even though the past four months and three weeks I’ve often been a wreck. He’s seen and heard me crash so often. He’s seen me beautiful, sleazy, tired, annoyed, irritated, happy, crying, …
and he was always there for me. Even without saying something. He’d just take me in his arms and caress my hair. Tell me everything would be ok and that he was there for me.
He makes me feel so safe.  So happy.

Although I’m about six years younger than him, he doesn’t treat me like a little child just because I’m ‘only’ 20 years old, no, he treats me as an adult. He helps me be more adult, and he doesn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed when I do behave a little .. immature. When I act silly, laughing for absolutely no reason, smiling, sticking out my tongue (yes, I love to do that, can’t help it).
He likes that I still feel young. That I still believe in fairy tales. He says it makes me cute.
That I’m cute.
Looking back on the past year, he’s the best thing that happened to me.
And tonight, I’ll spend my first Christmas eve with him and a part of his family.
I’m going to meet his godchild, so like I said yesterday, I’m nervous.
I’ll start early enough to prepare myself for tonight. Have a nice long shower to calm down the nerves, take enough time to dress up and do my make up, …

I hope this is the start of a beautiful tradition. The beginning of many Christmas holidays together. Of a life together. A beautiful life.

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I’m not the same girl that I was a year ago as well. I know my parents, especially my mom will tell me otherwise, but I did grow up.
I’m thinking about my future, about working and earning money myself. I’m thinking of going on a short vacation with my love, thinking about living together one day, thinking about babies (don’t worry, not the first three years, at least), …
I want to feel more useful, I want to be able to cook, take care of myself, stand on my own two feet.
And really, I’ve been feeling that way since I spent three weeks on my own during Summer break, while the rest of the family was out on vacation.
I managed just fine really.
I cleaned, cooked, prepared meals for myself, did the dishes myself, took care of the pets, …

And I dress differently as well. I still wear a lot of black, since it’s my favourite colour, along with red, and okay, sometimes you can find me wearing a ‘childish’ t-shirt, or gothic things that –as my mom likes to say- makes me look like a slut, but that’s just who I am, and I’m not going to apologize for being myself.
I wear whatever I like, and it’s not like I’m going to dress slutty when I have to go to something formal.
I like black, I love black, I adore black, because of many reasons. First of all: it reminds me of death, which –of course- is not a pleasant or a good thing, but still it does happen. Everyday. People get born, they live and then, at some point, either way too early, mostly way too early, they die. So whenever I wear black, I think back of all the people I’ve lost, I have to say goodbye to. That way, I’ll never forget them. I’ll honour them, by living a good life, but showing them then no matter what, they are always with me, because I’ll always wear something black. How tiny or little it may be, even if  you can’t always see it.
Second, I find black a rather elegant, fashionable, mysterious colour. So whenever I wear black, I feel mysterious, a kind of special.
I don’t want to be one of those people that follow the rest. Whenever purple’s the new trendy colour , everyone starts to wear purple. No. Not me. I want to be different, show people that I have my own personality and style.
I am me. And even though I may not be the smartest, most beautiful or talented person on this planet, I am proud of who I am and what it is that I have achieved, how little that may be.
And I hope that I’ll never forget that.

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Fantasies

And happily she danced away, back into her fairytale world.
The cold, dark world we call ‘reality’ had somehow found a way to crawl in the magnificent fairytale alike place that she called hers.
Her little piece of Eden.
But the good had overcome, and the bad had come undone.
Dancing around with fairy wings, throwing magic dust all around her.
Dancing, hopping, walking, jumping, …
She had never felt that alive before.
But it were the people that she loved that made her this way.
The people that read her stories, her thoughts, her pain and her joy.
The people who loved to listen to what she had to say.
Some might even spread her message from time to time.
They were wonderful, each and everyone unique in their own special way.
Each and everyone too kind for this world.
They are the kind of people that make the dark clouds go away, and bring back the sunshine in your life.
They are the kind of people, that she is writing for.
People with own opinions and immense kindness.
People who believe.
People who still try to make the world a better place, no matter what.
And people who still dream.

Dancing away, smiling, with a rose in her hand. Red as the love she felt.
Burning with a flame of intensity.
Burning, to last throughout the ages.
Burning, for all that she loves.

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