I’ve been feeling so frustrated and irritated lately.
And the worst of all is that I seem to be taking it out on my boyfriend.
I almost daily find reasons to complain about things he’s supposedly doing, things he does wrong, things I don’t like so I get to be grumpy.
But actually, it’s not his fault, at all.
He’s not doing anything wrong.
After some reflection, I found out that it’s a lot of other things that are irritating and frustrating me.
Home for example.
At home, we don’t seem to be able to just talk to each other.
We yell, shout, …
we don’t talk.
You almost feel as if you’re in the army.
Orders are being shouted at you.
All sentences are short and in a way of command.
‘No’ is not accepted.
There is barely any respect from time to time as well.
If all the children (me, my 17-year old sister and my 14-year old brother) sleep at home,
my sister gets up around 6 in the morning, my brother around 6.30 and I get up at 6.45.
So obviously, I get up the last.
However, the children’s bathroom is right next to my bedroom.
The bathtub is next to the head of my bed, only separated by a wall.
Now you would think that if my brother and sister get up first, they’d be quiet in the bathroom since I’m still sleeping right next to it.
They make so much noise.
They talk loud, laugh, fight, run, …
So basically every morning whenever those two are in the bathroom together, I wake up with a huuuuuge morning mood.
A really bad one.
Then I go to school, where everyone is always loud, and chatting, and talking behind each others back, calling names, being childish…
Even though I’m one of the youngest in class, along with about three-four, five at the most other people in their early twenties.
The others are married women, mothers, older women, …
Although they don’t always act that way.
Not all of them of course, but most do.
You got one bully in class and some others seem too scared to go up against her.
So they rather just go with the flow.
I do neither.
I just keep my mouth shut.
But my head is constantly filled with things, words, dying to get out.
To be said.
Right in those people’s face.
Of course, I can’t do that.
All the chattering and laughing and gossiping causes me such a headache…
So I get home in the evening, my head bursting, irritated, tired, …
and all I want is to see my boyfriend, hold him, tell him I love him, kiss him, …
and then there is my other point of irritation.
Annoying friends that only text you when they need you.
Need you to make an assignment for them, to complain about their broken relationship, to complain about .. whatever really.
To try and meddle in your life, your relationship…
They’re like an emo stuck to you.
Don’t get me wrong, friends know that they can always talk to me whenever they feel bad, and that I’ll gladly help.
But there are limits.
The people I’m talking about constantly text you during the most inappropriate moments.
While you’re a night out, while you’re at the movies, while you’re having sex, while you’re away for a day, while you’re on a vacation in your own land, while you’re on a family feast, …
and now you might say “oh well, that IS frustrating, but maybe those persons don’t know how bad their timing is? How were they supposed to know what you were doing?”
Well … that’s the thing: I HAD TOLD THEM BEFORE.
Or I tell them as soon as they send me.
And instead of backing off and just leave me be, they keep texting.
All of this, the bad morning mood caused by my brother/sister/ mother shouting downstairs, the irritating two-faced-people at school, the annoying stalker-alike friends, …
And then: you just explode.
It gets too much.
And apparently, I seem to take that all out on my boyfriend.
Although I didn’t do that on purpose.
On school, I’ve been having psychology lessons, I think they are the best.
We learned about self reflection and that sometimes it’s necessary to take some time and think about ourselves.
What is wrong, what is good, who we are, …
And that’s how I found out what was really wrong.
I told my boyfriend in a text message, because he had just left.
He said that we would find a way to work it out, the two of us.
A part of me believes him.
But another part of me is scared that I’ll just keep taking it out on him, and that there’ll be a day when he won’t take it anymore and leave.
And when he does, he’ll never come back…
I know that’s a really pessimistic point of view but I can’t help it…
I’m in a roller coaster of emotions.
Yesterday afternoon for example, we went to the pool, my boyfriend and I.
We had the best afternoon, ever.
I was so happy and in love…
Today as well when we were walking through the forest.
Kissing and acting foolish.
I even skipped while collecting flowers to make little bouquets which I left on my favorite spots in the forest.
And then all of a sudden, my mood changes to gloomy, dark, sad and frustrated again.
Tonight it was because my parents were not talking to each other (I don’t know what for), or were being snappy at one another.
Yesterday, it was because I was super tired, and because I was babysitting.
Normally from 5.30 p.m ’till 1 a.m.
My boyfriend was with me from around 8 p.m.
But around 1 a.m I suddenly got a text message from the mom saying that they’d be at least an hour later…
My boyfriend decided to leave since he had a match to play today.
We both had to get up early.
I was stuck there and waited the rest of the time on my own.
Finally, the parents arrived at 2.30 a.m…
I’m glad I know that it’s not my boyfriend irritating me or doing something wrong, but I still don’t know what to do about it.
I’ll hope I’ll find a solution soon, because it’s sure not healthy to keep being on this roller coaster of emotions.