Frustrations Of Life

I’ve been feeling so frustrated and irritated lately.
And the worst of all is that I seem to be taking it out on my boyfriend.
I almost daily find reasons to complain about things he’s supposedly doing, things he does wrong, things I don’t like so I get to be grumpy.
But actually, it’s not his fault, at all.
He’s not doing anything wrong.

After some reflection, I found out that it’s a lot of other things that are irritating and frustrating me.
Home for example.
At home, we don’t seem to be able to just talk to each other.
No.
We yell, shout, …
we don’t talk.
You almost feel as if you’re in the army.
Orders are being shouted at you.
All sentences are short and in a way of command.
‘No’ is not accepted.

There is barely any respect from time to time as well.
For example:
If all the children (me, my 17-year old sister and my 14-year old brother) sleep at home, 
my sister gets up around 6 in the morning, my brother around 6.30 and I get up at 6.45.
So obviously, I get up the last.
However, the children’s bathroom is right next to my bedroom.
The bathtub is next to the head of my bed, only separated by a wall. 
Now you would think that if my brother and sister get up first, they’d be quiet in the bathroom since I’m still sleeping right next to it.

Wrong.
They make so much noise.
They talk loud, laugh, fight, run, …
It’s hell.
So basically every morning whenever those two are in the bathroom together, I wake up with a huuuuuge morning mood.
A really bad one.

Then I go to school, where everyone is always loud, and chatting, and talking behind each others back, calling names, being childish…
Even though I’m one of the youngest in class, along with about three-four, five at the most other people in their early twenties.
The others are married women, mothers, older women, …
Adults.
Although they don’t always act that way.
Not all of them of course, but most do.
You got one bully in class and some others seem too scared to go up against her.
So they rather just go with the flow.

I do neither.
I just keep my mouth shut.
But my head is constantly filled with things, words, dying to get out.
To be said.
Right in those people’s face.
Of course, I can’t do that.

All the chattering and laughing and gossiping causes me such a headache… 
So I get home in the evening, my head bursting, irritated, tired, …
and all I want is to see my boyfriend, hold him, tell him I love him, kiss him, …
and then there is my other point of irritation.

Annoying friends that only text you when they need you.
Need you to make an assignment for them, to complain about their broken relationship, to complain about .. whatever really.
To try and meddle in your life, your relationship…
They’re like an emo stuck to you.

Don’t get me wrong, friends know that they can always talk to me whenever they feel bad, and that I’ll gladly help.
But there are limits.
The people I’m talking about constantly text you during the most inappropriate moments.
While you’re a night out, while you’re at the movies, while you’re having sex, while you’re away for a day, while you’re on a vacation in your own land, while you’re on a family feast, …
and now you might say “oh well, that IS frustrating, but maybe those persons don’t know how bad their timing is? How were they supposed to know what you were doing?”
Well … that’s the thing: I HAD TOLD THEM BEFORE.
Or I tell them as soon as they send me.
And instead of backing off and just leave me be, they keep texting.

Aargh…

So yeah…
All of this, the bad morning mood caused by my brother/sister/ mother shouting downstairs, the irritating two-faced-people at school, the annoying stalker-alike friends, …

And then: you just explode.
It gets too much.
And apparently, I seem to take that all out on my boyfriend.
Poor love…

Although I didn’t do that on purpose.

On school, I’ve been having psychology lessons, I think they are the best.
We learned about self reflection and that sometimes it’s necessary to take some time and think about ourselves.
What is wrong, what is good, who we are, …
And that’s how I found out what was really wrong.

I told my boyfriend in a text message, because he had just left.
He said that we would find a way to work it out, the two of us.
A part of me believes him.
But another part of me is scared that I’ll just keep taking it out on him, and that there’ll be a day when he won’t take it anymore and leave.
And when he does, he’ll never come back…

I know that’s a really pessimistic point of view but I can’t help it…
I’m in a roller coaster of  emotions.

Yesterday afternoon for example, we went to the pool, my boyfriend and I.
We had the best afternoon, ever.
I was so happy and in love…
Today as well when we were walking through the forest.
Kissing and acting foolish.
I even skipped while collecting flowers to make little bouquets which I left on my favorite spots in the forest.

And then all of a sudden, my mood changes to gloomy, dark, sad and frustrated again.
Tonight it was because my parents were not talking to each other (I don’t know what for), or were being snappy at one another.

Yesterday, it was because I was super tired, and because I was babysitting.
Normally from 5.30 p.m ’till 1 a.m.
My boyfriend was with me from around 8 p.m.
But around 1 a.m I suddenly got a text message from the mom saying that they’d be at least an hour later…
My boyfriend decided to leave since he had a match to play today.
We both had to get up early.

I was stuck there and waited the rest of the time on my own.
Finally, the parents arrived at 2.30 a.m…

So yeah…

I’m glad I know that it’s not my boyfriend irritating me or doing something wrong, but I still don’t know what to do about it.

I’ll hope I’ll find a solution soon, because it’s sure not healthy to keep being on this roller coaster of emotions.  

Image

Advertisements

True Beauty

She looked into the mirror.
Minutes went by as she kept staring at her reflection.
She started to feel hatred for the person staring back at her.
She hated the bags under those blue, sad eyes.
Those blue eyes had stopped sparkling with joy and life a long time ago.
Life had stolen her sparkle. Broke her spirit.

Smears of mascara on her face, leaving black traces.
Or maybe it was because of the tears she had cried?
She looked down, a new bunch of tears streaming down her cheeks.
She saw her belly all wrinkled up in layers.
When did she become this fat?
This… unattractive.
She knew she had been beautiful once.
People would turn their heads as soon as she walked in.
Boys would fall hard for her.

And now…
Life had been cruel.
But at least her body had always been beautiful, slim.
People were jealous of her.
Girls envied her.

She wiped away her tears as she got her mascara and lip gloss out.
Time to cover up the ugliness again.  
Time to put a beautiful layer over it.

He softly slipped in the bathroom, as he silently stood behind her.
He could tell from the look on her face that she’d been crying again.
He slid his arms between her thighs and arms as he hugged her from behind.
Holding her close to him.

She felt numb as she put her mascara on.
Fighting the tears.
He couldn’t see her like this anymore.
He turned her around, and took her head in his hands.
‘Baby… I don’t know why you keep doing this. You are so beautiful, you don’t need no make up to prove that.
You’re a natural beauty, always have been and always will be.
Please baby, you don’t need no make up.’
He took some tissues and softly rubbed it over her lashes, undoing the mascara.

She just stood there, softly sobbing, looking at him.
After he was done, he looked at her.
And smiled.
‘That’s my girl. You’re so beautiful love. Make up only hides your true beauty.
If you want to be even more beautiful, there’s only thing left to do.
Smile baby, show that beautiful smile I fell in laugh with.’

She could feel her heart skip a beat as she heard these words.
Deep down inside, she knew he was right.
She didn’t need to look like all those skinny models in the papers and magazines.
She was beautiful.
She really was.
She smiled at him.
He took her head in his hands and kissed her deeply.
Once he released her he held her close.
Whispering in her ear: ‘You’ll always be beautiful to me love.’

Image

Reflection

Travelling by train is a wonderful experience for me. I love to travel by train -if they are on time that is-. And how could it now be? You’re sitting in a perfect comfortable chair, and have a huge window to look out of. You see all kinds of wonderful things outside: forests, fields, houses, villages, …

But for me, it’s so special, since every time that I am on the train, it makes me think. About all kinds of stuff. What have I done with my life so far? Did I use every opportunity I had? Who are my real friends? And what do I define as friendship? Am I happy right now? What would’ve/could’ve I done better? Did I made the right choice in love? … These kinds of deep questions invade my mind everyday.

And most of the time, I find an answer on them. While I’m on the train of course.

Some of these questions are hard to answer, while other’s answers are hard.

That much self reflection could make you sad for a while.

Take for example the “what have I done with my life so far?” question. Well… I was born, grew up, became eighteen, graduated when I was 19 and then went to college where I failed my first year and started a new year in a totally different way.

oh, and I got together with the cutest boy ever, my boyfriend.

Tadaam, my life so far. I think.

Most people my age are either almost finished with college, or are already working. Or they are in their like second year at least.

Well.. not me.

I just stay stuck in the chaos and abnormality that is my life.

Which brings me to the next question: “Did I use every opportunity that I had?” short answer: No.

I know I’m not stupid -at least, I hope I’m not- and maybe I could’ve done more , in high school, in college,… I know I didn’t take things that were offered to me. Like help with my problems, since I was sure that I could’ve solved them on myself. Which often turned out differently. So I had to live with the consequences. My mistakes, my bad.

“Who are my real friends?” Simple, the ones that don’t judge, and are always there for me, always there to cheer me up, talk to me, … even if they don’t see me every day, every week, every month… Some of my best friends, I only see couple of times a year. And a female best friend of mine I see only once a year.

But that’s true friendship: The distance or time in between doesn’t matter, they’re always be there for you. No matter what.

Which immediately answered the “what do I define as friendship?”-question. Friendship is when you don’t judge your friends, or blackmail them to meet up. You don’t always have to see each other constantly, to be there for each other when that’s needed. Friends, true friends were always there for you, always are and always will. No matter the time and distance in between.

“Am I happy right now?” Short answer: Yes. Or pretty much anyway. Because I have wonderful friends, the most awesome classmates, the most loving, caring boyfriend ever. Can’t help it, just feel like getting up in the morning to myself “yet another beautiful day”, even though the skies are grey, cold and/or wet. I just feel happy. Like I have everything I need.

“What would’ve/could’ve I’ve done better?” well… school probably. I’m terrible with school, always have, always will. It gives me so much stress and makes me feel soooo unsure. It’s terrible.

Luckily, I have friends/great classmates and my boyfriend to support me.

And also in love, I’ve dated some guys which I wished I would’ve never met. Because they were waaaayyy too bad experiences.

“Did I made the right choice in love?” Ab-so-lut-ely! There is no doubt. I love my boyfriend to bits, and it’s different then with any other boyfriend. This is .. deeper. Better. A more serious relationship. I don’t regret my choice to be with him for a second. The only thing concerning him that I do regret, is that I didn’t get together with him sooner. Even though he wanted me to so badly.

So these are some of things that I think of whenever I’m on the train, just like I was when I wrote this whole text.

It’s good to evaluate yourself, your life from time to time. Just , like all things, don’t overdo it.
Have a nice day.

Image

A moment of reflection

Sometimes, there are days when everything goes right. When every decision you make seems to be a good one. Everything goes smoothly; you have a good relationship or you are in love with someone who seems to feel the same way, you have great friends and have a lot of fun, school’s going fine, the weather’s good, no problems at home and so further and so on.

Everything goes right, even though you know that things can’t go on that way, something always goes wrong eventually. Deep down inside, you know it well, but you just don’t care to think of it. You deny it. You feel … happy. Satisfied. As if all you could ever want, is within your reach.

And then there are days like the ones I’m having. When you doubt everything. Did I do the right thing breaking up with him? What do I want? Am I working hard enough for school? Will my group of friends and I stay together? Am I good enough for my parents? And so on.

Things you were sure of yesterday, you can be doubting today. Every choice, every decision you made  even only a few days ago, that seemed so right, can look so terribly wrong right now. When you take a second look at them.

Your whole world might have changed. Fallen down from the sky, crashed and burned.

And that, that is a horrible feeling. When you start to doubt your own sanity. Your own mind. Your own will. Hopes and dreams. Crushed. Broken.

What if you’ve changed your mind about something you were so sure of before? What if you want to take it back, go back in time and set it straight again? What if you want to, but you can’t? Would you just give up and leave it that way? Or would you fight, with every tiny bit of strength left in you?

Who knows.

I don’t.

I can tell myself that I’ll keep fighting, never give up. That failing or giving up is never an option. But sometimes, even I have to surrender. Give up.

And I hate to do that.

I think everybody does.

But sometimes, it’s all you can do really. Because if you would continue to fight, eventually it’d be the end of you.

I’m lost right now as well. I have no idea what I want, who I want, and how I’m going to achieve my goals. I just get up every morning, hoping I’ll figure it out somehow. And I know I will, I just hope it ‘ll be soon enough. Before it’s too late.

But I don’t plan on giving up.

I’ll keep fighting, for as long as I can.

– Britt