Terrible Tuesday

Today something terrible happened.

My day started like any other day, got up at 5.30 a.m., left at home around 6.10 a.m. and took the bus to the train station.
While I was on the bus, I was thinking “it’s going to be a good day today”.
And then it happened.
I was on the train for about … half an hour when the female voice of the conductor said that there was an object on the rails near the station of Lede, so that we had to slow down our speed and that we would have a ten minutes delay.
I thought it was strange, I mean, what do they actually mean by ‘object on the rails’? Just take it away then? Problem solved.
And then it came.
As we moved closer to Lede station, I saw five to six police cars standing next to the rails. The first rails, on the outer side.
As the train was slowing down, I saw what they meant with ‘object on the rails’.
Because of the slow speed we had, I could see about three police officers do the last investigations on a deformed and mutilated body. The body was so mutilated, that I couldn’t even make out whether it was a male or a female. There were still little parts of hair on the head, but I’m guessing that all the rest got pulled out as he/she had jumped under the train. Arms were standing in unnatural ways. Twisted, broken.
A part of the chest and belly were ripped open.
Or at least that’s what it looked like. 
Ripped clothing. 
Hanging on the broken body, waving in the wind like flags.
After the investigation, an officer covered the body with a white sheet. The kind of sheets you see in the movies when they find a body.
In the middle of the white sheet, there was a big red stain. Blood.
It came from the lower part of the body.
I was shocked, and stopped breathing for a second.
I could feel my heart just shrink together.

I was shocked. Couldn’t believe my eyes.
My eyes were standing wide as I was trying to understand what I had just seen.

Apparently , no one else had seen it. Either because they were too busy talking to their friend, partner, or because they simply weren’t looking out of the window.
I didn’t know what to do and just kept staring out of the window, even though we had long passed the place and even Lede station, where apparently no one knew what had happened only a few metres away from them.
It felt so unreal, and so real at the same time.
I knew some people commit suicide by jumping in front of a train, I had heard stories, seen those kind of cases brought by the news on television in the evening, but I had never, ever been so close beside this kind of suicide, ever.
And shocked me as much as it did with the suicide of my neighbour.  

Of course, these kinds of things aren’t meant to be a regular experience, or even a pleasant one, that’s just unreal.
You never get used to it.
For the rest of the day, I had a hard time concentrating on the classes, which is somewhere logical if you ask me.
Right after I had seen it on the train , I had texted my boyfriend and sister, whom both replied, comforting me and talking to me.
I can still see the images flashing before my eyes.

I hope that they won’t stay, just like all the other ones. 

I couldn’t help but wondering again, why on earth someone would want to do that. I mean, I take the train almost everyday and I’ve been next to a train thousands of times and I could never how you would find the courage -if that’s what you could call it- to throw themselves in front of something like that. Because it’s known that some people, when they commit suicide, change their minds as they are dying. People who hang themselves, try to loosen the knot, to free themselves, grasp for the cord, without success. People that drown themselves try to get back up to the surface, … 
So I wonder, if you throw yourself in front of something huge like a train, don’t you ever hesitate? Are you really that depressed then? Do you want to die so badly, that you want to mutilate your body so badly by doing so?
Was this really the only way out? Had all hope been lost? Did they leave children, a lover, family behind? Didn’t they care about their loved ones? The hurt and pain it would bring to them?
It might sound sick, but I admire the courage it takes to end your own life. Because I’ve been there, way down, but never had the courage to actually finish it. Too leave it all behind.
I was too weak. 
And I feel for the people that did.
I hope that they’ve found peace, wherever they are.

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2 thoughts on “Terrible Tuesday

  1. Gosh what a shocking day to start your day! Puts our problems into perspective doesn’t it, so sad it wasn’t so for him. Thank you for your thoughtful account, with such compassion and sympathy. Blessings & love, Hxx

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