Happiness Is Expensive

Happiness is expensive.

It’s a thought I often had and still have from time to time.
When I am sad and thinking about what I can do to make things better.
Most of the time I’m stressed, exhausted, …
The best solution I can come up with then is : “I need some time off. Take a break from work, from school and just get my love and go on a little vacation, even if just for a weekend.”
Then I eagerly start to look up trips that are fitting to what I need, sadly, trips cost money.
And when you don’t work -at least at my current job-, you don’t get paid.
It often makes me sad and then I say to my love “That we are to poor to be truly happy, because we can’t go anywhere or buy things that make us happy”.

I let it sink and then I realise: happiness doesn’t cost a thing.
It’s not taking a trip that can only make you happy, or buying expensive things.

Happiness, at least for me, is spending the evening with friends and their little children -as we are going to do tonight-.
Happiness is having a movie night with either one of our younger brothers, or both.
Happiness is going out with friends, having drinks or something to eat.
Happiness is lying on the couch with your lover behind you, his arms wrapped around you, his breath in your neck, watching a show and softly falling asleep, together.
Happiness is coming home to a cat meowing frantically , happy that you are home.
Happiness is a little bunny jumping up and down his bench when he sees or hears you coming home, or coming downstairs in the morning.

Happiness can be whatever you want it to be.
When you let it, the small things become big ones.

Happiness is everywhere, if you just let it.

I am tired of looking at what I don’t have, instead I learn myself to focus on what I do have.
I appreciate what I have, and who I have.
The lover by my side
The friends.

Happiness is a choice.
And I choose to be happy.

– Britt

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Anxiety And New Promises

Tomorrow is my first thing back at school.
Back in class.
And I admit… that I’m scared.
I don’t know what to do or say, so I’ll probably keep to myself again.
Pay attention in class, answer questions. Behave like a good, obedient student should.

And hopefully “She” won’t get on my back again.
The one that hates me (= my director).
I have many nicknames for her, and none are friendly.

I’m scared… because she’s not the only one that I fear.
There are persons just like her in my class as well.
People that are professionals in setting people to their hand.
They can make you do or believe whatever they want…
And I can’t stand up for myself quite enough… although I have a big mouth, I have a very very scared heart…

So I’ll just stay in class during the breaks, and I’ll read.
And write.
And text with my love.
And just keep my mouth shut.

Also, tomorrow it’s the anniversary of my and my boyfriend.
Tomorrow, we’re exactly one year and a half together.
Wow, a year and a half… I can barely believe it.
Time really does fly sometimes…

Sadly, I don’t see him on Monday..
Secretly I’m hoping that he’ll come and surprise me anyway..

A part of me wants to go to sleep right now, because I actually am tired.
But the other part is just afraid.
Because then when I wake up, it’s time to go back to school.
What will I say when people ask about my internship?
Should I tell them that I actually failed?
That when they graduate, I’ll still have 3 more months to go?

Not knowing if I’d make it or not…
I’m nervous for my cooking exam as well…

God.. it’s just chaos and slightly panic in my head right now…
Maybe I’m making it all worse than it actually is but still…
I won’t make the same mistake again.

The thing that hurt me the most about my second internship, is that you really can’t seem to trust anyone.
I trusted my supervisor and she just.. more than stabbed me in the back.
EVERYTHING she said was simply to flunk me. Every.Single.Word.
And the sad thing is : I TRUSTED her.
I believed that she actually was happy about me, because she never told me otherwise.
And still…

That’s what hurt the most.
I heard people say that nowadays you just can’t trust everyone, but I always believed that at least in the care and health business there would be people that you could rely on.
Apparently not.

So, from now on: I’ll keep my mouth shut.
And when there is something bothering me: I’ll write it down or tell my boyfriend or best friend (someone I truly trust).
I won’t change who I am though. I won’t be like those persons. Mean. Unreliable. Without conscience. 

I’ll still be me, but I’ll just keep it more to myself.
They said that I keep a wall up to protect me. To hide myself after.
They knew my story, and still they betrayed me…
So now I’ll pull up a second wall, not one that defends me by using a big mouth or “mad” faces, so they don’t get to call me “arrogant” anymore.
No, a wall of silence and mystery.
Although I’m pretty sure that no matter what I do, it will never be just quite how they want it to be.

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Letter To My Love

I’m scared.

Scared that my internship/education is going to fail.
Scared of what will happen then.
Scared that you will start to love me less and less 
because I cry so much.
Or because I get bored so easily.
I’m scared that you will need me less.
While I need you more and more with everyday.
I’m afraid of the rut where we seem to be finding ourselves in.
I’m afraid that I’ll get tired of us one day as well.
Or that I’ll start irritating  myself over things that really don’t matter.
I’m scared of losing you.

I’m afraid of how I’m currently feeling.
Depressed, alone.
The one moment all I want is to be alone
but then as soon as you leave, I cry.
I am afraid of my own fickleness.
And I’m afraid that I can’t take everything that is currently happening .
Physically, mentally and emotionally

I am scared because I don’t know what is going to happen.
I am afraid that I’ll disappoint everyone.
Especially you.

You’re my most precious possession.
The person I care about the most.
If I lose you, I’m over. 

I hope I may find the strength to get over this bump in my road.
Because that’s all it is.
I just need to dare make the jump.

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Desperation and Perseverance

Tomorrow I’ll have my last exam, and I’ll get my exam results.
I know if the story will continue, or if  this is the end of the line.
I’m feeling double.
On one hand I feel rather…confident, sure.
But on the other hand I still feel the anxiety.
The fear to fail.
Again.
I really want this to work.
I want it.

I already have plans starting tomorrow, to celebrate that my exams are over.
Tomorrow noon, I’ll go to see my boyfriend.
Finally!
It’s been a whole week, and I miss him like crazy.
I can’t wait to hug, kiss and hold him.
To smell, see and touch him.

We’ll have lunch together and then I’ll probably fall asleep for a little while in his arms.
In the evening I first have band practice and then I’ll come back home and probably watch a movie with him.
Nice, quiet and cosy.
Nothing hard. Nothing difficult.

Saturday, I’ll have lunch at his place as well.
In the afternoon we’ll go to the wellness centre we’ve been twice before.
There will be 3 friends waiting for me, because we’re all going together. The five of us.
For my birthday.
I get in for free and the other ones just pay €20 as an entrance.
We’ll get a bottle of cava as well.
I’m so looking forward to it!
They are all great friends that I haven’t seen for far too long.

In the evening, I don’t know what my love and I will do.
We’ll see.

Sunday afternoon we’re going to visit my old high school.
I want to say “hi” to some old teachers of mine, let them know how I’m doing.
Daddy is seeing it as going to tell them that I’ve failed college, I don’t.
I trust these people, I know they wouldn’t just judge me.
They were the ones who helped me through high school.
It’s not their fault that I failed.
And who knows, maybe I’ll be able to proudly tell them that I’ve chosen a completely different path.
That I’ve chosen a course that ‘ll get me a job where I can actually make a big difference.
Where I’ll be between life and death.
Changing lives.

I hope I can tell them that.
That I’ve passed my exams.
I hope they’d be proud of me.

I want people to be able to finally be proud of me.
Instead of looking like the all time failure that I used to be.
I’ve changed, and I hope my exams will show that.
I hope that my motivation has showed that.

I really want this chance, with both hands.
I didn’t get this far to just… fall out now.
To quit.
To fail.

I’m going to succeed.
I have to.
I need to.
I want to.

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Exam Anxiety

I just finished studying my exam for tomorrow.
Well… my attempt to study it that is.
It’s about 30degrees in here, and even though I sat outside in the wind, the heat was still irritating and blocking me.

I read all of the text sooo many times but nothing seems to really stay in my brains.
I’m going to bed now so I get up early (5a.m.) to repeat and revise.

I’m really starting to miss my boyfriend as well.
I already did from the first day, but it’s getting reaaaaally bad now.
I’m counting the time until I can be back in his arms.

Well, I’m off to bed now.
Hoping to finally get some sleep in this heat.

And hoping to succeed tomorrow.
Wish me luck!

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Off To The Exam

I’m about to leave for my third exam.
I have some nerves, but not that much really.
The big difference with these exams is that unlike all the others I’ve ever done, this time I actually believe in myself.

I REALLY want this.
So I can only do my best and hope.

I’m counting down the days though, ’till the exams are over.
I hate studying.
And I miss my boyfriend.

Well, time to go.
Wish me luck!