Happiness Is Expensive

Happiness is expensive.

It’s a thought I often had and still have from time to time.
When I am sad and thinking about what I can do to make things better.
Most of the time I’m stressed, exhausted, …
The best solution I can come up with then is : “I need some time off. Take a break from work, from school and just get my love and go on a little vacation, even if just for a weekend.”
Then I eagerly start to look up trips that are fitting to what I need, sadly, trips cost money.
And when you don’t work -at least at my current job-, you don’t get paid.
It often makes me sad and then I say to my love “That we are to poor to be truly happy, because we can’t go anywhere or buy things that make us happy”.

I let it sink and then I realise: happiness doesn’t cost a thing.
It’s not taking a trip that can only make you happy, or buying expensive things.

Happiness, at least for me, is spending the evening with friends and their little children -as we are going to do tonight-.
Happiness is having a movie night with either one of our younger brothers, or both.
Happiness is going out with friends, having drinks or something to eat.
Happiness is lying on the couch with your lover behind you, his arms wrapped around you, his breath in your neck, watching a show and softly falling asleep, together.
Happiness is coming home to a cat meowing frantically , happy that you are home.
Happiness is a little bunny jumping up and down his bench when he sees or hears you coming home, or coming downstairs in the morning.

Happiness can be whatever you want it to be.
When you let it, the small things become big ones.

Happiness is everywhere, if you just let it.

I am tired of looking at what I don’t have, instead I learn myself to focus on what I do have.
I appreciate what I have, and who I have.
The lover by my side
The friends.

Happiness is a choice.
And I choose to be happy.

– Britt

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Grateful Heart

Ever since my burnout I try to start each day with a grateful heart.
Sometimes it comes easily, when I wake up and see my gorgeous love lying next to me.
The sight of my sleeping beauty always tends to warm my heart and make me get up with a smile.
I get up, give the cat and pygmy rabbit their morning food and a hug and stroke, get my cereal and then go back upstairs, eating my cereal on the bed next to him.
He then always softly wakes up just a tiny bit and starts stroking my back in an ever so sweetly way.
When I’m done eating I spend 10-15 minutes wrapped in his arms, snoozing, until his alarm goes off and it’s time for us to get ready.

We leave the house together, kissing each other goodbye and wishing the other one a nice day.
We call each time around noon.
It’s a habit.

In the evening, I get to spend more time next to him, close to him.
The moments where we’re lying next to each other, my head on his chest hearing his heartbeat, wrapped in his arms… those are the ones I cherish most of all.

Those days are easy to be grateful for, because after all: how could you not?

But like every person, I too -unfortunately- have my dark days as well.
Where I feel hurt, even without reason sometimes.
Where I am mad at him.
Had a bad day at work.
Felt misunderstood.

Where I see
read
hear
things that make me lose faith in humanity.

When instead of beautiful, life seems hard. Unfair. Harsh.
Where I lose my trust in people I thought were good friends.
Where I feel disappointed.

I myself am a rather gentle person, very caring.
I always put everyone else before me, and I find it very important to be gentle, respectful and kind to everyone. Even those that may not deserve it.
Especially those that don’t deserve it, nothing pisses them off more than someone not reacting to their rudeness and someone that’s being kind instead.

I always try to smile.
And sometimes, you get a door slammed in your face and feel very disappointed.
But sometimes, every once in a while, people respond in an even kinder way.

I find it so normal that this is how people should behave towards one another, that I tend to get very disappointed when I get a door slammed in my face…

It’s true that most people got more selfish, self-absorbed and numb.
But it’s for the one’s that aren’t and keep fighting rudeness and cruelty that I get up in the morning.

It’s those kind of people that make the world go round, spreading the love.
Restoring faith in humanity.
Showing that we can in fact make a difference.

I choose to try and see the best in everyone, even the cruel ones.
Although I have to admit that some people make it very very hard.

I choose to be happy
to let my life be filled with love.
Friends.

I choose to be kind.
I choose to be open.

I choose to be grateful.

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Faith In Humanity

From time to time I tend to lose faith in humanity, because -let’s be honest- people can truly be horrible sometimes.
Selfish, hurtful, rude, cruel, vengeful, …

Sometimes there are persons that do things that are so far from my own personality and character that it horrifies me.

My Facebook is filled with video’s of humans mistreating animals, being cruel to one another.
Saying mean things to hurt another person, with no obvious or clear reason at all.

People are selfish, only thinking about themselves, not caring for another.
I have learned that the hard way lately.
Most people only tend to “be there” for you when they can use you for their own personal gain.
They only text you or mail you when they need something from you.

If you’re sick, they will feel sorry for you at first but when they notice that it will take longer than they expected for you to get better, they let you down.
No more contact, no more sincere “how are you”.

Because like Elena Gilbert once said in the Vampire Diaries: “When someone asks “how are you?” they really don’t want an answer.”

It’s just easier for them not contacting you, hearing you or seeing you, because then they don’t have to pretend to care. And sometimes, I get that. I think everyone did the same from time to time, sadly.

But it tends to get hard when you’re the one that needs someone to ask you that question, and nobody does.

Like I said, I learned the hard way, and it truly sucked.

So whenever I tend to lose my faith in humanity because of things like this, there are a few persons that restore my faith.

And I love the fact that even though the horrible things people do: the cruelty to other persons, animals, nature, the wars, the fights, the being-mean, … are truly horrifying and bad, it doesn’t take equally as much GOOD things to change the balance between good and bad.

The simplest of things can fix  my faith.
Someone being polite in traffic.
A smile from the cashier at the local store.
Someone being helpful for one another.
An unexpected text from a good friend, asking how I am and asking to meet and do something fun.
A good talk with someone, a really good, since one.
A smile.
A hug.
A funny post from someone.
Seeing someone be good to one another….

The little things.
Thank God for those little things, because they truly make life worth living.
It’s true, there are more selfish, bad people nowadays.
But it’s the good ones, the kind, helpful ones that make the difference.

And that is one of the many reasons why I love Christmas, it really tends to bring out the best in everyone.
Of course, it shouldn’t be the only period where you are nice to someone or helpful and kind, but it’s a start.

I feel blessed for having been through a rather difficult and hard time in my life, because now I know who I can count on.
Now I really know who matters.

I may not have a big group of friends
or a ton of money
or many other things
but I see myself as a rich person nonetheless, because I am rich with lessons and truths. I learn, I evolve, I explore.

And I may still have a long road ahead, and that road might not be easy, but at least now I know who has my back.

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This Will Be The Last Time

As I was listening to my music today there was one thing that struck me, listening to the lyrics.

As you know, most songs are about love, so were these and most of them was about how we’re lost
without love and the effect people we love can have on us.

I heard this one song “first defeat” by Noah Gunderson (link in the bottom, give it a listen, beautiful song) about how his girl pushes him away and pulls him back time and time again…

It’s about how he finds it hard to keep her away when she throws herself right back at him.

I think most of us knows what that feels like, loving someone so much it hurts..
It doesn’t work when you’re together
but you can’t live without each other either.
It’s poison. A toxic relationship.

Every time when you fight and one of the two runs out you swear it’s the last time but like Noah sings:

“It’s the little things, that convince me to stay”

Each and every single time there are still these one or two little things that convince you to stay, although you know you should’ve left…

I may be in a very happy, loving, respectful relationship now and have been for the past three years, for which I’m eternally grateful, but I wasn’t always.

I’ve been used
cheated on
used again…

I’ve been in a toxic relationship for years
He was charming, and sweet
when he wanted to
when he was in a good mood
and he was unbelievably beautiful
a true god
I’ve only I would have known sooner what he really was

He was very fluent with words
had a golden tongue
Whenever he opened his mouth
or smiled
he could make you believe pretty much anything
which he did
for years and years

even when I was together with My Love
he still wouldn’t let me go
I was his
and always would be

He threw me out whenever he felt like it
and pulled me back whenever he felt like it

He constantly cheated on me
lied to me
used me
mentally abused me

and still he could make me believe that I was the bad guy
that I did him wrong

his kiss, his smile
pure toxic
one kiss, one smile
and I was back in

It took me years and years to cut him loose

Even to this day
he still won’t leave me alone
thank god for My Love
who stands by my side
and supports me
and defends me
and talks some sense into me whenever The Other One tries to reel me back in

so please, if this sounds familiar to you
note this very well:
It’s not your fault
and no matter how “happy” or “special” he (or she) sometimes makes you feel: it’s not real.
It’s all part of an act.
Deep down inside you know you’re not really happy.

It’s nothing compared to the real stuff
trust me

Find help and support in your friends
Don’t try to deal with this on your own
Don’t underestimate the effect it has on you
Don’t lie for him/her
Don’t try to make them better by telling stories about them

Write everything down if you must
all the wrong things they did to you
all the lies
the hurt
all the nights you cried your eyes out

Read it
Look at it
and face it

Find support
a listening ear

But the first real step is up to you
Let it go
Let them go

Tell yourself you’re better than that
You deserve better

Leave
and never look back

Trust me, it’s not worth it.

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Proud Of Who I Am

I don’t have many girl friends, in fact, right now I can only think of one good girl friend I have.
That I can always talk to.
But then again, she has a group of other friends as well.
I’m alone.

I have an amazing boy best friend though, we’ve been friends for about 5-6 years now.
I can ALWAYS count on him.
He’s my darling , my big brother, my rock.
Sometimes it’s hard to be able to see each other without our boyfriend/girlfriend though.

And of course I have my love
the love of my life
the light in my existence.
He’s never let me down.

We’ve been through so much together and even now that I’m the reason we lost our chance for freedom, for happiness (see previous post), he’s still the one comforting me while I’m crying next to him.
Saying how guilty I feel that we lost our dream apartment…

He’s been a dear the past days…
I love him so much.

I know I have no fault in the matter whatsoever , people come and go in the nursing home, but still…
I’ve been so frustrated because he used to be the one that couldn’t find a regular job, working interims.
And now I’m the big problem… the one with no job
and barely savings…

It’s all going bad again…
all going wrong
It all comes crashing down.. once more…

And God… I hope I can make it through this one as well
because I don’t know how much strength I have left in me…

For now, I don’t want to be working in a nursing home no more…
I’m so upset about the way employees are often treated there…
the way things go…
more has to be done with less people…
people that get put on a toilet, left behind with the door open in a hallway where people come and go
the not properly washing of people…
the gossiping about residents in the hall…

no…
That’s not why I became a nurse.
That’s not why I fought so hard to become one.
I became a nurse to take care of people
to make their lives better
to help make the world a better, more beautiful world.
One smile, one “thank you” at the time.

I love my job.
Even though some people look down at me.
Yes, I’m the one changing the diapers.
Yes, I’m the one washing everyone.
Yes, I’m the one that gives them their food and help them eat.
Yes, I’m the one that cleans up the “little accidents” that happen.

But I’m also the one they ask for.
I’m also the one that comforts them when they feel sad.
I’m the one that knows all their secrets, their wishes, feelings, hopes and dreams.
I’m the one they love to see coming in their room.
I’m the one they give a kiss to in the morning.
I’m the one they have cute nicknames for.

I love my job.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And one day, I’ll find a nursing home that will see that too.

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Sometimes They Come Back

You know how sometimes there are certain persons that you never ever want to see again because something happened between the two of you?

Have you ever had them suddenly coming back, appearing as if brought back alive from the dead?

I sure have.
And it happened again tonight.

About a year ago while I was studying to become a teacher in my first year of higher education in college I had a gang of friends with whom I’d always hang out.

We skipped some classes together, we had fun, we talked, we laughed, we cried, we went out, …
It just may have been the best time of my life.
There were five of us: three girls, two guys.
Four out of five had nicknames, I didn’t.
You had Smokey, The Godfather, Mr.Hyde and The Hobbit.

As I said before, we were a great gang.
I was close with all of them, but with The Godfather maybe just a tad more.

He liked me, there was some physical attraction.
I wasn’t in love with him though, neither was he with me.
We just thought each other to be physically attractive.
Two beautiful people right?

I loved him so much as a friend.
So much, that when last summer when I won an exclusive avant-première of the latest and last Batman: The Dark Knight Trilogy (the dark knight rises) I invited him to come with me, along with two other friends of mine.

He came early that day and we spend the day at my house, getting ready, having a drink (he had brought a bottle of wine over), we ate together, …

We had a great time together.
A few days later, the gang and I went out in a city nearby.
Two days before that evening, I had been with a boy.
My current boyfriend.

We had kissed two nights ago, but I still didn’t know if that meant whether we were or weren’t together now.
I texted him all evening.
So much, that my friends asked me to invite him over.
So I asked if he would like to join us, and he did.
He came over and we had a great night.

The Godfather, a good friend as he was gave us his blessing and smiled all evening at the sight of my happiness with that boy.
Whom I still love more and more everyday, even though we’ve been together for almost a year now.

And after that great night, all went wrong.
The Godfather didn’t answer any of my texts, mails, …
He simply disappeared.

I saw him once or twice very awkwardly, but I felt that things had changed.

He started to ignore the rest of the gang as well.

It went on.
And we went on with our lives, wondering though what we did wrong to make him treat us that way.
The only one he was still talking to, was Mr.Hyde.
The girls, he ignored.

So tonight, me, my boyfriend, Mr.Hyde, Smokey, The Hobbit and three other people were going out.
In the same city were we always went out, because it’s where Smokey and The Godfather live.

We were sitting outside a bar, enjoying a cool summer night with a drink nearby when suddenly Smokey said that The Godfather was approaching us.
Indeed he was.
He was accompanied by two friends, two guys.
Mr.Hyde got up and ran after him, to say hi.
We all could see that The Godfather wouldn’t have stopped otherwise.

He had a talk with him, while the girls and I were discussing whether or not we should go and say hello.

The Hobbit got up, went over and came back.
Apparently, The Godfather had ignored her completely.
He didn’t even look at her.

Later, when he was about to leave, after I had burst out in tears at our table Smokey and I went over to him, saying hi and asking if we could talk to him for about two minutes.

He agreed.

As Smokey started talking to him, asking him the reason why he mistreated us that badly I choked.
She said that for months we’d thought that he was dead.
That we’d been worried sick.
He didn’t even look at me.
It was so hard.
He said that he simply had a lot of shitty things going on, and that he didn’t want to see or hear anyone.
Smokey said that instead of ignoring all those texts, mails, … he could’ve just answered that he needed some time and that he’d rather be left alone.
He said that he thought that would’ve been cruel and mean.
I couldn’t help but bitterly answer : ‘yeah sure, it’s much easier to just ignore…’
As he continued his stupid explanations I just couldn’t fight back the tears anymore.
So I walked away.

I just… walked.
As I started to panic.
My heartbeat speeding up,getting harder to breathe, …
I panicked.
It simply was too much.

My boyfriend ran after me and just held me, trying to console me.
I cried and told him that I really wanted to go home now.
He agreed and said that we’d leave right away.

So we did.

While we were on the road back home, I got a text from Mr.Hyde saying that The Godfather was still with them, talking things out.
I don’t believe that though.

How can you talk a year of ignorance out in only a few hours?
How can you make up for a year of frustration, anxiety, powerless feelings?
It’s simple.

You can’t.

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