As some of you might have noticed I’m going through a rather dark period in my life, struggling with a burn-out and depression. This is very hard and very personal for me to write but I feel the need to share it with you lovelies, because that’s why you are all here; because I am honest to you guys. Because maybe when you’re reading my texts you don’t feel so alone, maybe you even feel understood. I hope you do.
I have pretty reasonable reasons to think that I am in fact bipolar, which would mean that I tend to get really down from time to time, which I do. When I do, sometimes I am so deep that I do something I’m not proud of; I tend to harm myself. I scrape layers of skin of my body and hurt myself. It hurts like hell and as soon as I’ve done it I always feel horrible.
I’ve been home about two months now, battling my depression, trying to get myself together. Thankfully I have my wonderful boyfriend who truly is my rock, my everything. And still… I hurt myself about a month ago. It still shows on my wrist as I’m typing this right now… A cold reminder.
Not many people know that I harm myself, because of the shame I feel about it and because of the fear how people will react once they find out.
I’m in a delicate spot before and after I hurt myself, which means that one mean comment can cause me to crash down once again. As previous experiences have shown me.
When people that know I harm myself ask me “but why?” it’s hard to explain…
Today I watched Demi Lovato’s Stay Strong documentary, and it was so inspiring, I also bought her book “Staying Strong 365 days a year”. I never really was a Demi Lovato fan, I didn’t hate her , loved the songs I knew but still. Until I found out her story when I heard “Warrior” for the first time, I cried. And I still tend to do most times because it’s so recognizable.
I watched an interview where she got really personal, talking about her own self harm and how she described it is how I often tend to explain.
“ It was a way of expressing my own shame , of myself on my own body. I was matching the inside to the outside and there were some times where my emotions where just so build up that I didn’t know what to do and the only way that I could get instant gratification was through an immediate release on myself. “
– Demi Lovato on cutting herself
I couldn’t agree with her more.
When there were so many thoughts and feelings going on in my head that in the end I didn’t even know where everything was coming from, hurting myself was a way to bring all those feelings, the pain, the suffering to only one point, mostly my wrist. It hurt like hell, every time again, but at least then I knew where the pain was coming from. It came from a visible spot, something that I could touch and put my finger on.
It was a way to release all of it, and in that moment, I needed it.
I don’t cut myself, because that would be too obvious when someone would see it. The reason why I scrape layers of skin of it because it looks like a normal scrape wound. I always hid my wounds, but even if someone would see it I could just say that I fell off my bike, or something like that, and people would actually believe it.
Yet, you can still see dark misinformed scars on my wrists and arm…
I am still very ashamed off them.
It’s been hard for me to acknowledge this, to acknowledge that I have problems that I need to face, work on. Which is what I’m doing now, seeking help wherever I can.
It’s been a hard, long road and I’m still getting better taking baby steps.
It has been a long road but I still got a longer one ahead…
Right now I try to surround myself with good thoughts, positive thinking, music and people that I love, while I try my best to stay strong.
I know I’m not the only person that feels like this every now and then, and if there is someone else like me out there: please know that you’re not alone. Please know that you too can get better. I hope we can get better together, helping one another. Helping to stay positive and strong.
Stay Strong, You’re Not Alone.