Today I had an oral exam early in the morning.
I got up on time, with my love, and we drove to my school – a drive of about half an hour , give or take-.
I was very nervous getting in, but was able to calm myself.
At the end of the exam I had a “really? that was it?”-feeling.
I went to the reception to collect my exam results from my second and third exam. They were less than I imagined, and one of them I flunked.
I was kind of disappointed at first but then remembered:
I haven’t had much time to study for those exams, no time to make summaries, didn’t even get to read the whole book for one of the two, so in fact, I didn’t do that bad.
It alsof felt quite nice that I didn’t have to tell my results to parents at home now, knowing that I would get a lot of bad, negative, mean comments about it. That I would get punished. That I would feel even worse. Like a failure.
No, this time, it was different. Because this time I’m not studying for anyone else, or because someone else wants me to. This time, I’m doing this for me.
Because I want to graduate and have a bachelor degree. Because I want to be able to give myself a better future, and my family.
Because I want myself and my future husband to have a better future, to give my future children more chances.
I want to be able to improve my life, and in the meantime those of others as well.
I am doing this for me.
And even though I’m keeping up high standards for myself, I sometimes need to pat myself on the shoulder. Because I know that I work hard, doing my utter best to balance work, my relationship, my household, friends, family, planning a wedding and a few others things at the same time.
It’s crazy at times, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
So if I look at all that, it’s no disgrace really to have to do some exams again this summer.
I only failed 1 out of 3 this far, so that’s not bad at all.
Also because the one I failed, is one that almost everybody failed, there have been a lot of complaints to the principal about the unfairness of the exam, and my grades aren’t final until the end of June, so a lot can happen in the meantime.
It feels good to realise that finally, I have my life in my own hands.
That I can make my own choices.
That there’s no one yelling and calling me names behind my back, forcing me to do things I don’t want to.
I feel so free whenever I realise that.
And my love is by my side, supporting me. Not pushing me.
I feel so free, so mature.
Making my own choices, paving my own path.
For the first time in my life, I see good things ahead, and I couldn’t be happier.