Bright Future Ahead

Today I had an oral exam early in the morning.
I got up on time, with my love, and we drove to my school – a drive of about half an hour , give or take-.
I was very nervous getting in, but was able to calm myself.
At the end of the exam I had a “really? that was it?”-feeling.
I went to the reception to collect my exam results from my second and third exam. They were less than I imagined, and one of them I flunked.
I was kind of disappointed at first but then remembered:
I haven’t had much time to study for those exams, no time to make summaries, didn’t even get to read the whole book for one of the two, so in fact, I didn’t do that bad.
It alsof felt quite nice that I didn’t have to tell my results to parents at home now, knowing that I would get a lot of bad, negative, mean comments about it. That I would get punished. That I would feel even worse. Like a failure.

No, this time, it was different. Because this time I’m not studying for anyone else, or because someone else wants me to. This time, I’m doing this for me.
Because I want to graduate and have a bachelor degree. Because I want to be able to give myself a better future, and my family.
Because I want myself and my future husband to have a better future, to give my future children more chances.
I want to be able to improve my life, and in the meantime those of others as well.

I am doing this for me.
And even though I’m keeping up high standards for myself, I sometimes need to pat myself on the shoulder. Because I know that I work hard, doing my utter best to balance work, my relationship, my household, friends, family, planning a wedding and a few others things at the same time.
It’s crazy at times, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
So if I look at all that, it’s no disgrace really to have to do some exams again this summer.
I only failed 1 out of 3 this far, so that’s not bad at all.
Also because the one I failed, is one that almost everybody failed, there have been a lot of complaints to the principal about the unfairness of the exam, and my grades aren’t final until the end of June, so a lot can happen in the meantime.

It feels good to realise that finally, I have my life in my own hands.
That I can make my own choices.
That there’s no one yelling and calling me names behind my back, forcing me to do things I don’t want to.
I feel so free whenever I realise that.
And my love is by my side, supporting me. Not pushing me.

I feel so free, so mature.
Making my own choices, paving my own path.
For the first time in my life, I see good things ahead, and I couldn’t be happier.

– Britt

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Looking Back On What Lies Ahead

In 4 days, it will be Christmas day once again. A week later it will be New Year’s Eve. This time of the year often forces us to look back on the past year, reviewing it. What went wrong? What happened? What were the good, fond memories you’ll cherish? What can go better next year? Where do you stand in your life right now?

And every year around this time, I tend to do this, analyzing the past year.
2015 has been a … rough year.
I got fired, lost my faith in the health sector, had an incredible painful operation and had to rest for a couple of weeks, made some big decisions , some of them backfired in my face…

It was a rough year. And it definitely was though coping with all that, and I admit: I didn’t always react like I should’ve had. I let myself go. I let it drag me down. I’m still working on improving myself right now, taking baby steps, but I know I’ll get there, eventually.

Although it has been a really difficult and painful year I am very blessed to have seen and felt how blessed I am to have some special persons in my life, my Love for example.

If it wasn’t for him, I’d probably still be a really big mess.
People often say that your lover brings out the best in you, but he truly does. He reminds me of who I am, when I don’t even know anymore.
He pushes me to go further, explore my possibilities. He encourages me in a way that no one else ever could. He reaches me, when I feel so out of reach…

So now, at the verge of a new year, I have some things I am planning on doing and/or starting with next year.

It’s time for me to do things that make me happy, to think of myself every once in a while. No more putting myself on a second place, no more neglecting my desires and needs. My dreams. It’s time.

So yes, although 2015 been a hell of a year, 2016 will be great. I know it. Because I will be doing what I love, with whom I love. I will surround with people that really matter to me and which I know I can count on.
2016 has good promise all over it, and I can’t wait for it to start.

I’m ready.

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Rebirth

The bathroom door opened.
She went in and plugged the heater in before opening opening the taps to let the stream of water into the bath.
After a few minutes she slipped into the water, top of her feet first, then her whole foot and elegantly she slid in completely.
The nice warm water surrounding her naked body.
Welcoming it. Softening it.
All the aches in her body went away, as if she was magically healed by the touch of the water.
She closed her eyes, finding a moment of peace at last.
A quiet, peaceful, painless moment.

Few minutes later she opened her eyes again.
She felt reborn, different.
Better.
Stronger.

It was as if all her troubles, all her pain had been washed away with the water.
All she smelled now was her strawberry shower gel
the smell of flowers.
All the smells she loved in one place.
On her body.
Surrounding her.

It was the smell of hope.
Of rebirth.
She opened her eyes once more and smiled.
Because she knew that all things weren’t lost at all.

She was back.
Better, and stronger than before.

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Life Your Life To The Fullest

Never let them get to you.
Never let them take you down.
Break your spirit.
Tell you who you are.

You’re the only person that truly knows where you come from,
where you’re now and where you’ll go.
Your story is yet to be written, 
so take the pen and write it yourself.

Do things your way,
but make sure to listen to other’s advice.
Accept help when you need it,
when you can’t do it on your own.

Find someone to pick you up when you’ve fallen down.
Someone to have your back.
Someone to always love
and support you.

Find a reason to be happy.
Either by finding a good love, 
raising your children,
or building your own home.

Find happiness in hobbies.
Play music.
Dance.
Sing.

But whatever you do,
whatever you decide.
Make sure to never forget 
to live your life to the fullest.

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Future Dreams

I want to have children someday.
I know that now more than ever.
I’ve been a babysit ever since I was seventeen years old, which means I’ve been babysitting for about four years now.
When I was little, one of my dreams was to become a kindergarten teacher.
I love children. Love them.
I’m a very beloved babysit as well.

I’m babysitting as I’m writing this as well.
A few minutes ago, I heard a loud bang upstairs.
I immediately ran up the stairs.
Apparently, the oldest one of the two little children had fallen out of his bed.
He has a net above his bed, wrapped around his bed.
Hanging by a hook in the ceiling, and apparently he had had a bad dream or such because when I arrived the net was down and the little boy was tangled in the net.
Of course he was crying, so the first minutes I just held him close to me, swaying him softly.

It felt so good.
It always feels so good when children adapt to you
Even though I’ve been babysitting here a couple of times, the children never saw me, because they’re always in bed when I arrive.
And still, this little boy completely trusted me right away.
He didn’t cry because he saw a stranger.
Or because he was held close by someone he had never seen before, even though I would be surprised at least when suddenly when I’d wake up from a bad dream that there’d be a stranger holding me.

Not these children.
They trust me.
Get soothed by my touch.
My voice.

Children… they are so loving.

I know I’m still young, and I know that my boyfriend and I haven’t been together THAT long but still…
I can just imagine what our children would look like.A daughter with my long golden blonde hair and his green-brown-blue-gray eyes.
A boy with his dark black hair and my blue eyes.
Other combinations.
They would be beautiful no matter what combination they’d have.

I can’t wait to live on my own , most of all I’d love to live together with my love.
And someday have our own house.
And hopefully, children.

 Who knows.
A girl can dream, right?

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The Light

Sometimes the world gets dark for me, cold, heartless, cruel.
Sometimes, I forget what I’m fighting for, what’s the purpose, the reason why.
Sometimes I just want to let it go. Give in, give up.

But then there you are, pulling me back up from the dirt
giving me a supportive push in the back.
Telling me to hold on, stay strong.
Go on.

Yes, no matter how hard and cold the world can get, as long as you are by my side,
being my guiding light in the darkness, I know I will be alright eventually.

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