Feelings & Fears

There are times that I wonder, that I worry.

In exactly 3 weeks from now, I will be a married young woman. On August the 3rd, I say “I do”. It’s official. I will be married.
Although I look forward to it, with all my heart, counting down the days…
I worry as well.

There are times that I feel useless. Maybe even unloved. Misunderstood. Unimportant. Invisible.

I’m used to being invisible, in a way.
I never was popular at school, even though people often told me how beautiful I was. I never did exceptional things. I’m good in a few things and I do a lot, but I don’t excel in anything. I remember every face from people that went to the same school as me, did the same sports, shared my hobbies, … but no one remembers me. And honestly, I don’t mind. I am not someone who needs or even wants to be in the spotlight and although I look forward to our wedding party next year, I kind of get panic attacks when I realise that my love and I will be -or at least are supposed to be- in the spotlights all day… that is also a reason why I want to keep it small, intimate.

I’m used to feeling useless.
I never felt needed, or at least not much. People often used me but they never needed me, not truly.

I’m used to being excluded, I always felt excluded in my family, my friend groups, school, hobbies, … and things like Facebook don’t help that feeling, at all…
It’s all fake and I know it, but still… It would be fun to have someone post awesome statuses about me as well, tagging me in pictures…

I often feel alone…
Misunderstood.
As if I come from another world and no one quite thinks or reacts like me… I feel like an outsider. An intruder.

My love was the first one to truly accept me as I am, for who I am.
All my weird unusual characteristics as well.

But lately, ever since we started living together and even before that I feel excluded from this relationship as well, from time to time.
I don’t feel needed, except for cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, …
When I express my needs, my hopes, … nothing happens.
At the best we often fight about it.

We are a good couple, a great couple in fact, but we had a very, very rough year.
We went through some things that weren’t caused by us at all, but we went through anyway… we had them thrown in our face and had to deal with them… which I now feel like we never did.
We pushed ourselves through it all, but never really dealt with it. Experience it. Give it a place…

We lost someone we both dearly loved…
Had our future changed multiple times, in a bad way…

The past months were so rough…
That’s why I , we decided to take a break from something we could: having a baby.

The past 2,5 years we’ve been trying to get pregnant… in multiple ways, with help, because the doctor very early assured me that there was no way I could get pregnant on my own…
It’s been a long, painful, rollercoaster of a road…
In June, we had our first IVF-treatment, finally.
It was hell.. all the injections, the egg pick-up, the placement, … the pain was incredible.
Good news, bad news, good news…. a true rollercoaster…
We were pregnant, then we weren’t , then we were, … and then the news: we were pregnant, but we wouldn’t stay pregnant… I would miscarriage… guaranteed.
The only question was when and how. Would I need surgery? would it come ‘naturally’?

And what the doctor predicted happened: I miscarried.
I was pregnant, and then I wasn’t…

So now my body is exhausted, my mind broken… I need some rest… Some time with my love…
I need to feel like me again, no hormones, no injections…
I need rest… to be able to go places, do things without worrying about the injections I need to place, the doctor visits, …

So I decided to take a break, for at least 2 months.
To be a girlfriend, a fiancée, a future wife again…
To be a couple again.

But it feels like we both work through things in our own way, in two separate worlds…
I feel like my Love is getting out of my sight… like he is moving away and I can’t see him anymore, can’t keep up with him.

I’m scared that it will get worse when we are married… and that we would both become unhappy. Become a burden to each other… Loose sight of each other completely.

Sometimes I can feel him slip through my fingers and desperate as I am, I don’t know what to do.
It’s like sand slipping through your fingers…

I hope the break will do us good, that the good things we have planned together will make us stronger, will make us notice each other again…

Because right now… I don’t know. I know I can get pretty emotional over this, but honestly, the feeling I sometimes have of loosing him… it scares the crap out of me… It’s terrifying… because right now, he is the last thing keeping me up… his love, our relationship… He’s the only strong thing left and if that would be taken away… I don’t know what I would do…

I don’t talk to anyone about it anymore as well, because people say stupid things like “leave him”, “don’t get married if you have doubts”, …
But I’m not going to leave him, because he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He truly is the love of my life, my soulmate.
And I AM going to marry him, because I have no doubts about what I feel for him and what he feels for me.
I KNOW he loves me, as he knows I do.

We are just a couple that have had a shitload of shit to deal with in a few short months… things we didn’t see coming at all…

And just because we kept going on, we didn’t process it properly. Which I now feel like we NEED to do… even though it hurts like hell…
We NEED to grieve
We NEED to cry, be angry, smash things…
We NEED to scream…

we MUST move THROUGH IT, instead of past it.
We need to experience it… We need to let it in.

So that finally, hopefully, after all that
we can give it a place
and move forward without boundaries, without strings keeping us to the past, to the pain, …

together.

– Britt

3e35fe00afb0f44955d627e9b0d9b7d6

 

Advertisements

Future Plans

When someone asks me how I see my future with my Love I am very honest and direct: I want to marry him and have beautiful babies with him.
I want to buy a house of our own and live there with our two children, our little bunny, cat and at least one dog -preferably a husky-.
I want to travel the world along with my -by then- husband and our beautiful children.

So whenever I answer that, people tend to make big eyes and get very surprised, because I am only 23 years old.

When they say “Oh I get it, you mean in the future, a long time from now”, I answer them: “well no. I honestly want to have children while I’m still this young, I want to get married anytime soon, whenever my Love asks me. I want to live my life while I’m young”, they are even more surprised.

I have deliberately chosen that I want to be a young mother.
And people that don’t agree with me always have an excuse why “You’re too young, you won’t be able to do it.” Well, I believe I can. “You need to save more” If I wouldn’t have enough money to do it or whatever, I wouldn’t even think about it. “Don’t you first want to enjoy life?” As if getting married and/or getting a baby is the end of your life….

For every argument they give, I have an answer in return.
I want to know what I want to do with my life, so does my Love and that’s just great. I told my Love these same things as well as soon as we got serious, so he has known it for over 3 years now, and he agrees with me.

There will always be people that don’t agree with us, or understand our choices, but that’s their problem really.
I’m an adult. I have a job and pay my own bills. I can make my own choices.

So I will wait and see with my Love when the time is right for us to take our love, our life to the next level. And when we do, it will be our choice, and no one else’s.

large-28

Dementia – A Whole New Life

Today we learned about dementia, a terrible disease that mostly older people suffer from.
I really find it a horrible disease, although our teacher told us that there are good sides about it too.
For example: persons who have been rather moody, mean and anti-social can end up being warm, sweet, caring.
This is possible because often one’s character changes completely.
People that were very peaceful, quiet can change to loud and aggressive.

As most people will know, you lose a part of your memory.
Your life is like a film roll that someone’s rolling back up.
It’s like a drawn line that you’re erasing.
The part that you erased on paper, also gets erased from your memory.
Forever.

Which causes people to forget their husband/wife, since they simply don’t remember ever marrying or even meeting them.
This can be quite painful for the husband/wife of the patient.
They can also see their daughter/son as their wife/husband, since they are so alike with how their mom/dad used to look when they were younger.

Actually, the people suffering from dementia are going back in time.
Erasing the rest.

That’s why often, if they don’t die because of other things like heart failure, cancer, a bad cold, …
They die in fetal position, like a baby in the womb.
They’ve reached the end of the line.
Also, their muscles are so tighten up that they are almost automatically drawn into this position.

Also, they often don’t recognize their reflection in the mirror, since in their head they’re always looking younger, different than they actually do.
They live in the past.

I asked my teacher what you’re supposed to do if suddenly an old woman in the home, suffering from dementia, asks you where her husband (who died 20 years ago) is.
Should you tell her once more that her husband isn’t alive anymore?
That he’s not coming back?
Or do you just go with her fantasy?
Leave her the illusion?

She told me that you best either distract her, or even better: let her talk about her husband.
If you must, you can for example tell her that her husband is out doing groceries, until she forgets again.

But you NEVER,EVER tell her the painful truth again.
Simply because she wouldn’t believe you.
All she knows in that moment is that her husband is alive, she just doesn’t know where he is.
There’s no use in arguing with her, because she doesn’t know better.

Also, they forget things they’ve learned.
Manners for example.
You can easily see a person suffering from dementia standing in the hallway, masturbating.
Or undressing themselves.
They don’t know better.
They don’t know it’s not socially accepted.

They also forget how to eat, or even talk…
They actually become a little child again.

I found it a really fascinating and sad lesson.
Although I really loved and appreciated all the beautiful stories about the good sides as well.
What I find sad however is that in the beginning, the patients almost always realize what’s going on.
They either know that they’re suffering from dementia, or that there’s something terribly wrong.
They don’t feel right.
That’s the hardest part of the disease: the realization in the beginning.

One of the beautiful stories I heard today was about a father who had always been rather grumpy, mean, severe and emotionally distanced.
He never hugged or said that he loved his children.
Then he got dementia.
He completely changed.
And now whenever his children come visit him in the home, they get a warm welcome and he hugs them as if it’s the first time he sees them.

So finally, at last, he can end his life by leaving these last beautiful , treasured moments with his children.
That’s something his children will never forget and treasure.

Because there’s no cure for dementia, 
there is medication which only delays the symptoms.

So no matter how you choose to look at it, dementia is always saying goodbye,
little by little.
All you can do is make the best of a very hard and tough situation, 
and make beautiful memories that you’ll always cherish.

Image

Some Time Ago…

Some time ago I fell in love with you.
Your smile easily won me over all of a sudden.
Maybe it was your charm?

I can still remember that laugh.
My heart immediately skipped a beat.
Darling, my dear, how come I didn’t notice that before?

Sometimes I still wonder how I could’ve been so reckless, 
so blind.
Not noticing the beauty that you are before.

Yet you patiently waited, you stood by.
You kept waiting.
Hoping.

You had always been there, as long as I can remember. 
Hiding in the shadows.
Standing in the background.

You knew your time would come one day.
And how I adore you now.
I couldn’t imagine life without you anymore.

Your voice is the only sound that can always soothe me.
I love the sound of your laugh.
The dimples you get when you smile.

You’re cute, beautiful, adorable.
I love you to bits, so much.
Baby you’re my all.

I still don’t understand how I didn’t notice that so long ago,
and how hard I’m falling for you now.
You truly are my obsession.

You’re all I can think about.
All I dream about.
Truly a dream come true.

Image

Goodnight, Sleep Tight

Go to sleep my little one.
My love.
My angel.
My baby.

Go to sleep and dream the sweetest dreams of all.
Filled with fairies, unicorns and elves.
May angels keep you safe
while you’re peacefully sleeping.

Ever so quiet, so still you’re laying in my arms.
A little miracle.
A wonder.
All the beauty of the world in one little creature.

So tiny.
So little.
So fragile.
So beautiful.

You really are enchanting.
You’re almost a gift from above.
Send to me by angels,
who must be weeping over your loss.

Sleep now my little one.
I’ll keep you safe.
Protect you from the bad things.
And in the morning when you wake up,
I’ll take you in my arms once more.

Image

A Little Miracle

For years all she wanted was a baby.
A beautiful baby with bright blue eyes.
Finally, after five years of marriage her wish had come true.
After eight long months, she gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl she had ever seen.

As soon as the little miracle had opened her eyes, her mother had fallen in love with her.
Her heart had melted just from seeing those sky blue bright eyes.
Looking straight into her mother’s eyes.
She had never felt more proud before.

It was love at first sight.
Both parents were just radiating with happiness and joy.
She was perfect.
A little perfect miracle.

As she tenderly held her baby girl in her arms, she swore to her that she’d always protect her.
No matter what.
She swore to always be there for her.
To pick her up when she’d fall down.

To comfort her when she felt sad.
To support her choices in life.
To show her the right way.
To cheer her up after her first heartbreak.

She promised to be the mother that she deserved.
She told her what a wonderful life she’d have.
How happy she’d be.
How beautiful.

And right in that moment,
everything fell into place.
Everything was perfect.
She was perfect.

Image