Happiness Is Expensive

Happiness is expensive.

It’s a thought I often had and still have from time to time.
When I am sad and thinking about what I can do to make things better.
Most of the time I’m stressed, exhausted, …
The best solution I can come up with then is : “I need some time off. Take a break from work, from school and just get my love and go on a little vacation, even if just for a weekend.”
Then I eagerly start to look up trips that are fitting to what I need, sadly, trips cost money.
And when you don’t work -at least at my current job-, you don’t get paid.
It often makes me sad and then I say to my love “That we are to poor to be truly happy, because we can’t go anywhere or buy things that make us happy”.

I let it sink and then I realise: happiness doesn’t cost a thing.
It’s not taking a trip that can only make you happy, or buying expensive things.

Happiness, at least for me, is spending the evening with friends and their little children -as we are going to do tonight-.
Happiness is having a movie night with either one of our younger brothers, or both.
Happiness is going out with friends, having drinks or something to eat.
Happiness is lying on the couch with your lover behind you, his arms wrapped around you, his breath in your neck, watching a show and softly falling asleep, together.
Happiness is coming home to a cat meowing frantically , happy that you are home.
Happiness is a little bunny jumping up and down his bench when he sees or hears you coming home, or coming downstairs in the morning.

Happiness can be whatever you want it to be.
When you let it, the small things become big ones.

Happiness is everywhere, if you just let it.

I am tired of looking at what I don’t have, instead I learn myself to focus on what I do have.
I appreciate what I have, and who I have.
The lover by my side
The friends.

Happiness is a choice.
And I choose to be happy.

– Britt

large-4

Bright Future Ahead

Today I had an oral exam early in the morning.
I got up on time, with my love, and we drove to my school – a drive of about half an hour , give or take-.
I was very nervous getting in, but was able to calm myself.
At the end of the exam I had a “really? that was it?”-feeling.
I went to the reception to collect my exam results from my second and third exam. They were less than I imagined, and one of them I flunked.
I was kind of disappointed at first but then remembered:
I haven’t had much time to study for those exams, no time to make summaries, didn’t even get to read the whole book for one of the two, so in fact, I didn’t do that bad.
It alsof felt quite nice that I didn’t have to tell my results to parents at home now, knowing that I would get a lot of bad, negative, mean comments about it. That I would get punished. That I would feel even worse. Like a failure.

No, this time, it was different. Because this time I’m not studying for anyone else, or because someone else wants me to. This time, I’m doing this for me.
Because I want to graduate and have a bachelor degree. Because I want to be able to give myself a better future, and my family.
Because I want myself and my future husband to have a better future, to give my future children more chances.
I want to be able to improve my life, and in the meantime those of others as well.

I am doing this for me.
And even though I’m keeping up high standards for myself, I sometimes need to pat myself on the shoulder. Because I know that I work hard, doing my utter best to balance work, my relationship, my household, friends, family, planning a wedding and a few others things at the same time.
It’s crazy at times, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
So if I look at all that, it’s no disgrace really to have to do some exams again this summer.
I only failed 1 out of 3 this far, so that’s not bad at all.
Also because the one I failed, is one that almost everybody failed, there have been a lot of complaints to the principal about the unfairness of the exam, and my grades aren’t final until the end of June, so a lot can happen in the meantime.

It feels good to realise that finally, I have my life in my own hands.
That I can make my own choices.
That there’s no one yelling and calling me names behind my back, forcing me to do things I don’t want to.
I feel so free whenever I realise that.
And my love is by my side, supporting me. Not pushing me.

I feel so free, so mature.
Making my own choices, paving my own path.
For the first time in my life, I see good things ahead, and I couldn’t be happier.

– Britt

18ee863f774abe21e980253afcd3ddcc

Nerves

Tomorrow is the big day.
My final talk with the jury that ‘ll decide whether or not I’ll start my new education to be a caretaker.
I admit that I’m very, very nervous.
Even though I’ve had at least four people (including those from the work-searching thing, no idea what you call it in English. The people from an agency that help you find work).
Still…
I have failed so many things in my life.
And I came so far now. Succeeded every other test. I don’t want it to end here.
Of course, I’m also scared what my life will look like once I’ll start the studies.
I mean… I won’t be able to see my boyfriend that much anymore (now I see him daily half a day at least).
I won’t be able to stay up late anymore.
To go away.
To meet people.
I’ll have to study again.
And even combine studying with taking internship.
So of course I’m a bit scared, to fail again.
But aren’t most people scared of starting something new?
And this time, I actually have psychological tests and experts saying that this really is a good study for me.
That I’m good enough for it, and that they’ll help me, no matter what.
So I really, really, really, really hope that I’ll pass tomorrow.
Fingers crossed!

Image

Future Views

So lately, I’ve been doing some thinking.
I want to quit school. I want to quit college and university things.
I want to take a VDAB (sorry, don’t know how to say it in English) training.
That’s a training that gets you ready to do a specific job, and the one that I want to follow trains you to become a person that takes care of old people in nursing homes or little (sick) children.
You can also go to someone’s home and take care of the tasks that they are no longer able to do: wash clothes, clean the house, do the groceries, have a walk with them, talk with them because they are lonely, …
And to be honest, I would love a job like that.
I would love having a job in which you help people, every.single.day.
Last Saturday, my boyfriend and I went to the movies with his best friends, later, as we were having a drink at a bar we were talking about what kind of job he’d want to do.
He said that he wants a job where he can find satisfaction in.
And I get him.
I don’t want to have some graphical job, sitting on a desk and helping people with getting what they wanted such as posters, a book or whatever.
I want a job that actually really helps people.
When you talk to a lonely person every now and then, you can even save a life.
Because many lonely persons take their own life = suicide.
You can make someone who’s sad and sick happy.
THAT’S what I want my life to be like.
And I don’t need some fancy college or university training and diploma for that.
I know I will have to study hard as well, and work hard, but I got the motivation for it.
And lost my motivation for my current training.
I hate it.
Let’s just hope I’ll be able to convince my parents…
fingers crossed.

Image

Plans

Today I left my exam with a rather good feeling. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that I think I passed, but I just surprised myself. It wasn’t as horrible to make as the previous time. I recognized more, was able to actually fill in more, instead of just guessing.  Of course, it was still a hard exam.
But I left with a smile, which makes me happy, makes my day good.
Now, as I’m writing this, I’m on the train on my way home. This afternoon I have to study/repeat my last exam, which I’m having tomorrow. It should be a rather good one, since it’s stuff I’ve already seen in high school, well.. a part anyway.
But I’ll still need to study/repeat well.

And then, tomorrow afternoon, my three weeks vacation will begin.
Starting with going over to my boyfriend in the evening, having dinner there and staying with him until it’s time for him to leave for his floorball practice.
I suggested to just go with him, but he told me that I’d be sitting on my own for two hours while he practices, that I’d be lonely. So I agreed not to come.
Although now I’m thinking of going with him, and then I’ll just take a book to read in the meantime. I could ask him. I’m sure he’d actually love me being there. Besides, I want to see him train. He’s so beautiful and sexy in his shorts and shirt, even when he’s all sweaty. My handsome boy.

Wednesday evening I’m planning on confirming our weekend away at Sunparks. Which will be awesome. If his work allows him to take that day off that is. I sure hope so.

Thursday I’m going to my grandmother, like I normally always do on Thursday’s when I go visit her and spend the night there. During my exams I didn’t go though, because I get up around 3a.m. to repeat my exams, and that would be too early for her.
Then this Saturday, my boyfriend and I will go to Brussels in the morning-noon, do some shopping. We have to leave early enough though, because in the evening/ late afternoon I’m going to a ‘The Script” concert, in Brussels again though but still.
Saturday is going to be a very exciting day for me, I can barely wait!

Those are all my plans so far. Of course, I do have a ‘what to do after the exams’-list, which includes doing a biiiiig clean up in my room –and since that never actually happened in the eight years since we live here, I’m going to be busy , that ‘s for sure!-.

Few minutes ago I just texted my best friend in the whole wide world to ask when he’s free to meet up as well. I miss him like hell, and he still needs to meet my boyfriend. I sure hope they will get along.

And after my exams, I will fi-na-lly have some time to read my books. Sooooo many books, lovely books, great books, moving books, but I barely had time to read.
Yes, life will be good. Life will be good.

Image

My Passions

Last night, as I couldn’t sleep -again- I came to the conclusion that I really do miss learning about historical things, studying history.
Just like I miss studying English, heck, I even miss those damn phonetics.
I don’t miss studying to be a teacher though, I just miss the courses I took. The pure theoretical ones.
History has always been my passion, ever since I was a little girl.
I especially loved the old Egyptian cultures and the ancient Greek culture. I love the legends and the stories. I love mythological stories, fables, fairytales and all that stuff.
The ancient Egyptian culture is just so fascinating and mystical. The way they mummified bodies, buried their dead, honored them, the way they build all the temples and graves,…
Just like the Greek their way of living also fascinates me. One with nature. With myths and legends that have an explanation for things in nature that science just can’t explain. Think of the story of Echo and Narcissus for example, which tells us where the echo we hear when we scream in the mountains come from. An explanation for for example thunder or lightning can be found in their stories as well. 
My second passion, was and still is the English language. 
I’ve always wanted to go back to England, ever since I fell in love with the country.
It’s my dream to get back there someday, maybe even live there. Either for a while, either forever.
I’ve been reading English books for years now (even though one might not notice that by reading my texts), and I do read more in  English than in Dutch.
I love the way everything sounds in English, so lovely, so classy, so beautifully.
And I simply adore the British accent, I used to have one myself, but lost it because of the lack of practice.
And now, after my teacher studies failed, I lost both in a way…
Of course, I still read and write in English , that will never change, but it’s different…
I don’t really have much time to read, and when I start reading in a book, I like to finish it in a couple of days, weeks,a month. I can’t now.
And history… since my studies failed, I haven’t looked anything historical up, while otherwise I would be surfing the net for information about whatever fascinates me. Egyptians, Greeks, The Middle Ages, …
I would’ve read books about historical subjects that I like.
And the thing is that I didn’t even notice that I missed it so much, until we went on vacation to Egypt during Autumn break.
We did multiple excursions with a guide, and most of the time, there I was, answering his questions, correcting him, asking him questions or answer whatever questions my fellow travelers had. Everyone said how good I was at it, that I should be a guide myself.
It felt great, because I love showing off my knowledge about Ancient Egypt.
And then I noticed, that was the hole in my heart that I’ve been feeling.
How badly I’ve been missing it.
It’s a part of me , always has been, and the fact that my study failed doesn’t mean that that part just.. went away.
No, it’s still within me, lingering, burning with a slightly dimmed flame.
But still present.
And the same is with English.
I miss it, both, I really do, so so much…
But there’s nothing that I can do about it really.
I can try and keep the flames alive, or I can let them go out.
Although that’s no option for me.
I will fight to keep my passions alive.
I will fight. I will not give up that easily.

Image

My Salvation

Usually, during my exam period I’m going through a dark period in my life as well, which would be kind of logic if you ask me.
You’re up in your room for hours, days, bend over books with endless texts, books that never seem to come to an end.
You get up early to study all day, only exit your room to either make a pit stop in the bathroom or to eat.
The only people you see now and then are your relatives: mom, dad, sister/brother, …
Your social life is pretty much dead, non-existing.
You look like crap, you’re often tired from studying so late and getting up early the next morning.
Your head is pounding.
Sometimes, you may even feel the need to cry, for absolutely no reason.
You’re lonely. You feel lonely, sad, down even.
There’s a lot of stress, because, when you’re in college or on university you only get one chance to pass curtain exams, and if you fail them you have to retake them during summer break , which isn’t fun at all.
Your parents might be on your back, telling you to study more, asking if you already know everything when you come down for just a second, just because you can’t stand being caged between those four walls of your room anymore. Prisoned.
The stress might lead to domestic disputes. Which give you even more stress. Make you scared, make you feel pushed.
So yes, normally, exams truly are hell for me. Because I’m a social person, I love to spend my time with my friends, classmates, boyfriend, …
I hate being locked up.
And I’m better at studying in the late afternoon or even at night, but since I have to get up super early (at 5.30 a.m.  when I have to be at school around 8.45 a.m. when school starts) it’s killing me.
And my parents are indeed pushing me to study , complaining about my attitude. Not as much as they usually would do though, but still.
And yes, it has led to some major fights, where a lot of feelings got hurt (mostly mine).
And yes, I always had major stress feelings for exams, always have and probably always will. Especially now, in college, when you have only one chance to pass.
But still, I don’t feel as bad as I normally would. Not at all actually. And the reason , is my boyfriend.

He has been supporting and motivating me.
Cheering me up when I was  feeling down, broken, lost.
Taking me in his strong arms and holding me close, stroking my hair as the tears were streaming down my cheeks.
There were moments when I felt completely lost, not even knowing if I’d even finish this year. If I wanted to keep studying. I just wanted to quit it all, leave school and look for work.
He was the one telling me (in a non-pushing way) to at least hold on till January, and wait for my exam results.
Even though I only had my first exam yesterday, I know that he was right to tell me to wait, since yesterday I went to a teacher to get more information about one of the possible studies I could do starting February (like I already told in my post from yesterday) and it made me realize, that I really would like to do that.
He made me hold on, be strong, patient, brave.
And if there would be a time that I’d just crash and collapse again, he’d be there to pick me up, make everything alright again. Safe.
And I know that I won’t see him much the next three weeks during my exams, but I don’t even need to see him to know that he’s still there for me.
We seem to have some sort of telepathic connection.
Every time when I am feeling down, or a bit sad, or tired, … I get a text from him.
Saying that he loves me, how much he loves me or that he’s missing me.
It doesn’t even have to be more than that. No long texts saying all kind of things, just that.
And when I get a message like that, during one of those moments, it makes me happy again.
He has read some of my posts, because I wanted to see his reaction to them, but still I’m sure that he hasn’t got a clue just how important he really is to me. How much he means.
How much all of this, him, us, means. What it has done to me, and what it’s still doing.
Of course, he’s not the first boy that I write about, I used to keep a diary in which I mostly wrote whenever I was in love with someone. I would write in it when I got my heart broken as well, which happened more often than I would like to admit.
I’m an over sensitive person, which means I have a lot, a lot of feelings and emotions. Writing is one of my major ways to let them out. To let the feelings go.

And I admit, sometimes my feelings for him scared me because they were so overwhelming.
Like a wave, threatening to drown me.
I now realize that that was because I had never felt anything like it before.
I have been in love before, but not like this.
He is the first boy that I can see myself growing old with.
I’m dreaming about living together, going on vacation together, having kids together,..
Start a life of our own, together. Side by side.
And the thought of that alone is enough to make me smile.
In a way, he saved me.
He is my drug, the air that I breathe.
He’s not perfect, he has his flaws, but that only makes him human.
He knows my deepest, darkest secrets, but still loves me.
He knows that I have a few other boys chasing me, but he trusts me. Completely.
He would do anything for me, which doesn’t mean that I always get what I want. If he doesn’t agree with me, he’ll tell me so and speak his mind. He won’t let me run over him, which I really admire. I love a man that can stand up for himself. Who is able to say ‘no’ when he needs to, and speak for himself.
He knows I sometimes have mood swings, for no reason whatsoever, but still he accepts me just the way I am.
And for that and many more, I love him.
And I always will.

Image