It’s Been A While

It’s been months since my last post, I’m aware.
Believe me when I say I would have loved to write down my feelings, and whats going on…
But the truth is, ever since people from my neighbourhood found this blog that was and still is so precious to me and made fun of everything on it… my blog hasn’t truly felt safe anymore…
It feels violated.
I don’t know who else is reading along, is it just my faithful followers, my wordpress friends? People I love and care about?

Or are those from my “real life” still around? lurking to see if they can find some juicy story that they can exploit?
How safe is it for me, to post things on here?
Will people read it behind my back? make fun of it? talk to my family or friends about it?

I have so many things I want to talk about… that I NEED to talk about.
Get them off my chest.

Even if no one reads them
comments on them or even cares about them…
I just need to write them down.

A few times I was here, writing those things down but ended up deleting them in the end… because I got scared.

I hate it.
My blog was my own space, my escape. With all these lovelies following me, the sweet comments, the good friends…

I hope that soon, I’ll feel safe enough to start writing here again…

Because I really miss this..
I miss this place.

I put so much time, effort and tears in creating this safe space.
This virtual world.

I’m not planning on getting it taken away so easily from me…

I’m a lover, not a fighter, but I’ll fight for what I love…

– Britt

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The Overflowing Bucket

People who know me, know that I’m a very sensitive, yet quite strong person.
I deal with death everyday in my job, I shed a tear every single time and I mourn but I get over it as well if one of the persons I cared for, took care of and looked after dies…

I can handle bad news, as long as I still got my love by my side.
I can handle pressure.
I can handle lack of sleep.
I can handle it.

Sometimes I break
but today is not that day.

But sometimes, it just gets too much.
I’m in that kind of place right now.

I was in a desperate need of some rest, some time off with my love.
And then I got home and heard bad news… twice.

I know it’s probably just life being a bitch again, testing how much I can handle.
And although I cried in my car on my way to work, I still didn’t break.

I’m still very sensitive, and I’m still me.
But somehow, I got harder too. Stronger. Tougher.
Because I keep my goal in mind.

Whenever work was hard, whenever I shut myself in the toilet for a few minutes just to ease the pain in my back and shoulders, or just to straighten things out for myself I just keep in mind that I’m doing what I love, no matter how hard it sometimes get.
I keep in mind that I’m doing it for my biggest dream: being able to live alone with the love of my life.
Our own little apartment. Our own home.

It’s what keeps me going.
It’s my strength.
My goal.

Just like he is my life
my heart
my everything.

The One True Love Of My Life
The One True Love Of My Life

Anxiety And New Promises

Tomorrow is my first thing back at school.
Back in class.
And I admit… that I’m scared.
I don’t know what to do or say, so I’ll probably keep to myself again.
Pay attention in class, answer questions. Behave like a good, obedient student should.

And hopefully “She” won’t get on my back again.
The one that hates me (= my director).
I have many nicknames for her, and none are friendly.

I’m scared… because she’s not the only one that I fear.
There are persons just like her in my class as well.
People that are professionals in setting people to their hand.
They can make you do or believe whatever they want…
And I can’t stand up for myself quite enough… although I have a big mouth, I have a very very scared heart…

So I’ll just stay in class during the breaks, and I’ll read.
And write.
And text with my love.
And just keep my mouth shut.

Also, tomorrow it’s the anniversary of my and my boyfriend.
Tomorrow, we’re exactly one year and a half together.
Wow, a year and a half… I can barely believe it.
Time really does fly sometimes…

Sadly, I don’t see him on Monday..
Secretly I’m hoping that he’ll come and surprise me anyway..

A part of me wants to go to sleep right now, because I actually am tired.
But the other part is just afraid.
Because then when I wake up, it’s time to go back to school.
What will I say when people ask about my internship?
Should I tell them that I actually failed?
That when they graduate, I’ll still have 3 more months to go?

Not knowing if I’d make it or not…
I’m nervous for my cooking exam as well…

God.. it’s just chaos and slightly panic in my head right now…
Maybe I’m making it all worse than it actually is but still…
I won’t make the same mistake again.

The thing that hurt me the most about my second internship, is that you really can’t seem to trust anyone.
I trusted my supervisor and she just.. more than stabbed me in the back.
EVERYTHING she said was simply to flunk me. Every.Single.Word.
And the sad thing is : I TRUSTED her.
I believed that she actually was happy about me, because she never told me otherwise.
And still…

That’s what hurt the most.
I heard people say that nowadays you just can’t trust everyone, but I always believed that at least in the care and health business there would be people that you could rely on.
Apparently not.

So, from now on: I’ll keep my mouth shut.
And when there is something bothering me: I’ll write it down or tell my boyfriend or best friend (someone I truly trust).
I won’t change who I am though. I won’t be like those persons. Mean. Unreliable. Without conscience. 

I’ll still be me, but I’ll just keep it more to myself.
They said that I keep a wall up to protect me. To hide myself after.
They knew my story, and still they betrayed me…
So now I’ll pull up a second wall, not one that defends me by using a big mouth or “mad” faces, so they don’t get to call me “arrogant” anymore.
No, a wall of silence and mystery.
Although I’m pretty sure that no matter what I do, it will never be just quite how they want it to be.

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Night Terrors

I’m going through a real hard time right now.

There’s been lots of fights at home, between me and my parents.
Mostly my mom and I.
Which caused me and my boyfriend to fight, because most of the times my mom was setting up new rules.
When my boyfriend and I could meet, whether we could sleep together or not, whether we’d eat together or not…

My love and I never used to fight, but lately, we often do.
So things aren’t always so great between the two of us as well.

School sucks, more than it did before.
I love what I’m doing, I just don’t like my class anymore.
20 babbling women… It literally drives you nuts.
My head is pounding every evening.
There’s also so much drama.
Backstabbing comments, sneers, …
Ugh.

I thought things were getting better, but then last night when I was sleeping next to my love, something happened.
This morning he told me that suddenly, in the middle of the night, I’d started screaming in terror and fear.
It was a scream and a cry combined.
He said that it sounded as if I was terrified of something.
He soothed me a bit and told me to lay down in his arms, which according to him I did as he held me close.

The things is: I didn’t have a nightmare.
I don’t remember anything as well.

Which means my night terrors are back.
This kind of situation only happens when I’m trying to suppress things. 
Which obviously doesn’t work. 

I have to admit that I’m a bit scared…
Since I thought I had things back under control, but instead it’s gotten worse…

Now I don’t even have some rest at night…

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Exam Anxiety

I just finished studying my exam for tomorrow.
Well… my attempt to study it that is.
It’s about 30degrees in here, and even though I sat outside in the wind, the heat was still irritating and blocking me.

I read all of the text sooo many times but nothing seems to really stay in my brains.
I’m going to bed now so I get up early (5a.m.) to repeat and revise.

I’m really starting to miss my boyfriend as well.
I already did from the first day, but it’s getting reaaaaally bad now.
I’m counting the time until I can be back in his arms.

Well, I’m off to bed now.
Hoping to finally get some sleep in this heat.

And hoping to succeed tomorrow.
Wish me luck!

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Fear Of Driving Combined With Love And Patience

Yesterday evening I had my first driving lesson with my boyfriend.
It wasn’t my first time driving, since about two and a half years ago I had taken twelve hours of driving lessons with an instructor.
But after that, I barely drove three times.
So now I have to start over again.

He was very patient and most of all: calm.
And that’s what kept me calm.
Which is good, since I’m scared of driving.

We can’t go on the street though, since he’s not qualified to do so.
The instructor needs to have had his driving license for at least 8 years, and he doesn’t so..
We practice on a parking lot.

But he said I did good, and afterwards we went to the McDonald to get a hamburger, before going back to his house.

I’m very happy that he’ll keep teaching me, and I love him for his support and patience.
I really need to get my license soon, for my education but also simply because of the freedom.
To be able to ride anywhere I want, get away whenever I want.
I would be able to drive whenever we went out with his friends, which enables him to drink a bit more.
I could take him to places myself, without having to depend on trains or buses.
I wouldn’t need to get back on those fully stuffed buses in the morning.
With teenage moms/young poor mothers with loud, screaming/crying babies on it…
No, peace and quiet.
Ahh…
I could get used to that.

Also, because my temporary license is going to expire the 30th of December… 
And he is going to help me achieve that.
For that, I love him so much.

I hope there will be more lessons like this one, calm, patient, not too fast, …
And I hope that I will FINALLY learn, and will be able to do it by myself.

I really , really want to learn how to drive, I’m just…scared.
I hope he’ll be able to get me over that fear somehow.

I really do.
Fingers crossed…

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Living In The Past

Today as I was sitting on the train, with my back to my destination and faced to where I came from, I realized: What if it’s a sign that I always go and sit like that? What if there’s a reason why I always do that? Maybe it’s because I always keep looking at the past. Because sometimes I even live in the past. I use it to look  back on past relationships, and compare them to my current one. I search for similarities, convinced that the present one will fail as badly and as soon as the ones before.

I use the past, to make ‘worst case scenarios’ in my head.
I use it to find a reason for things I do, say or feel.
For how I am.
I dig deeper and deeper, desperately searching for answers that I’ll probably never find.
I search for reasons why almost everything I do is bound to fail.

I still grief for people that I’ve lost so many years ago, instead of giving it a place and get over it.
But I doubt that it is healthy to live that much in the past.
But still, I’m sure there are more people like me out there.
Who use the past to evaluate present things: love relationships, friendships, …

Who compare things, to see if it’s really as good as it seems.

Because in my opinion, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

I’ve experienced this enough.
The past is like someone holding a mirror in front of you.

Are you really that changed, that different?

Or are you still the same?

It’s like a clown smiling while handing you a mirror.

One part of it’s face is smiling, grinning, the other one’s sad, disappointed.
I believe there are many messages in little things.

Like how we take a seat on the train everyday. Where we always sit in the classroom.
For example, if in an auditoria, you like to seat at the corner or the end of a row, to me it shows that you don’t really care all that much about the class, and just want to get out as quickly as possible as soon as it’s over.

For me, if you actually like the class, you sit somewhere in the middle. Since you enjoy it and want to stay there, patiently, focused.
I don’t know if it’s right, but I found myself in those situations.

Of course, sometimes I’m just put in a position, whether or not at the end of a row, which doesn’t mean I like/dislike it.
I’m just saying that I believe everything you do is an unconscious message from our brains. Pretty much like body language.
You say things even without fully realizing it. Since you can’t help it, not completely at least.
So maybe, who knows, it all might be connected somehow.

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