It’s Been A While

It’s been months since my last post, I’m aware.
Believe me when I say I would have loved to write down my feelings, and whats going on…
But the truth is, ever since people from my neighbourhood found this blog that was and still is so precious to me and made fun of everything on it… my blog hasn’t truly felt safe anymore…
It feels violated.
I don’t know who else is reading along, is it just my faithful followers, my wordpress friends? People I love and care about?

Or are those from my “real life” still around? lurking to see if they can find some juicy story that they can exploit?
How safe is it for me, to post things on here?
Will people read it behind my back? make fun of it? talk to my family or friends about it?

I have so many things I want to talk about… that I NEED to talk about.
Get them off my chest.

Even if no one reads them
comments on them or even cares about them…
I just need to write them down.

A few times I was here, writing those things down but ended up deleting them in the end… because I got scared.

I hate it.
My blog was my own space, my escape. With all these lovelies following me, the sweet comments, the good friends…

I hope that soon, I’ll feel safe enough to start writing here again…

Because I really miss this..
I miss this place.

I put so much time, effort and tears in creating this safe space.
This virtual world.

I’m not planning on getting it taken away so easily from me…

I’m a lover, not a fighter, but I’ll fight for what I love…

– Britt

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Turn It All Around , Fight For What Matters

The past week and a half have been though, hard on me.
I got hurt by the person I love most and I let it drag me down into a cold, dark hole.
It took me a few days to figure things out, and even though even today some things still aren’t clear to me..
I decided to change it.
Turn it all around.

“If you can’t change the situation, change the way you feel about it.”

One day, about a week ago or so I simply decided to not let myself be unhappy anymore, to think positive.
I would fight for my relationship.
I would not give him up that easily, give us up because it all means way too much to me.

Now, a week later I catch myself smiling again.
Feeling happy, simply with what I have.
I have a boyfriend that loves and adores me.
Even now, as I’m writing this, a tear is rolling down my cheek.
A tear, of happiness.

I love him.
I love us.
I love how he makes me feel.

Even the thought of the possibility of living without him..
Just kills me.

We belong together, I’ve no doubt about that.
We both know that.

I won’t let him go.
Not that easily.
Not without a fight.

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Night Terrors

I’m going through a real hard time right now.

There’s been lots of fights at home, between me and my parents.
Mostly my mom and I.
Which caused me and my boyfriend to fight, because most of the times my mom was setting up new rules.
When my boyfriend and I could meet, whether we could sleep together or not, whether we’d eat together or not…

My love and I never used to fight, but lately, we often do.
So things aren’t always so great between the two of us as well.

School sucks, more than it did before.
I love what I’m doing, I just don’t like my class anymore.
20 babbling women… It literally drives you nuts.
My head is pounding every evening.
There’s also so much drama.
Backstabbing comments, sneers, …
Ugh.

I thought things were getting better, but then last night when I was sleeping next to my love, something happened.
This morning he told me that suddenly, in the middle of the night, I’d started screaming in terror and fear.
It was a scream and a cry combined.
He said that it sounded as if I was terrified of something.
He soothed me a bit and told me to lay down in his arms, which according to him I did as he held me close.

The things is: I didn’t have a nightmare.
I don’t remember anything as well.

Which means my night terrors are back.
This kind of situation only happens when I’m trying to suppress things. 
Which obviously doesn’t work. 

I have to admit that I’m a bit scared…
Since I thought I had things back under control, but instead it’s gotten worse…

Now I don’t even have some rest at night…

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I Dream

I dream.

Of our own little place.
Where it always smells like roses.
Where the rays of the sun dance on the floor and windows.

Where happiness is all around us.
Where we dance every night, drinking whine.
Where we make love.

Where we live.
Where our friends come to visit us.
Where we can fall asleep on the couch, cuddling for the telly.

Where we fight,
make up.
Laugh and cry.

Where we start a new chapter of our life,
together.
Where we’ll learn just how strong our love is.

Where we surprise each other.
Where we cook side by side.
Where we clean dishes, splashing water into each other’s face.

Where we give our own personal touch.
Painting the walls.
Decorating. Making it ours.

We wouldn’t need a big apartment.
Or a lot of money.
As long as we’d have each other, we’d be fine.

I dream and dream, 
and hope that it will finally come true.
I count the days.

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Frustrations Of Life

I’ve been feeling so frustrated and irritated lately.
And the worst of all is that I seem to be taking it out on my boyfriend.
I almost daily find reasons to complain about things he’s supposedly doing, things he does wrong, things I don’t like so I get to be grumpy.
But actually, it’s not his fault, at all.
He’s not doing anything wrong.

After some reflection, I found out that it’s a lot of other things that are irritating and frustrating me.
Home for example.
At home, we don’t seem to be able to just talk to each other.
No.
We yell, shout, …
we don’t talk.
You almost feel as if you’re in the army.
Orders are being shouted at you.
All sentences are short and in a way of command.
‘No’ is not accepted.

There is barely any respect from time to time as well.
For example:
If all the children (me, my 17-year old sister and my 14-year old brother) sleep at home, 
my sister gets up around 6 in the morning, my brother around 6.30 and I get up at 6.45.
So obviously, I get up the last.
However, the children’s bathroom is right next to my bedroom.
The bathtub is next to the head of my bed, only separated by a wall. 
Now you would think that if my brother and sister get up first, they’d be quiet in the bathroom since I’m still sleeping right next to it.

Wrong.
They make so much noise.
They talk loud, laugh, fight, run, …
It’s hell.
So basically every morning whenever those two are in the bathroom together, I wake up with a huuuuuge morning mood.
A really bad one.

Then I go to school, where everyone is always loud, and chatting, and talking behind each others back, calling names, being childish…
Even though I’m one of the youngest in class, along with about three-four, five at the most other people in their early twenties.
The others are married women, mothers, older women, …
Adults.
Although they don’t always act that way.
Not all of them of course, but most do.
You got one bully in class and some others seem too scared to go up against her.
So they rather just go with the flow.

I do neither.
I just keep my mouth shut.
But my head is constantly filled with things, words, dying to get out.
To be said.
Right in those people’s face.
Of course, I can’t do that.

All the chattering and laughing and gossiping causes me such a headache… 
So I get home in the evening, my head bursting, irritated, tired, …
and all I want is to see my boyfriend, hold him, tell him I love him, kiss him, …
and then there is my other point of irritation.

Annoying friends that only text you when they need you.
Need you to make an assignment for them, to complain about their broken relationship, to complain about .. whatever really.
To try and meddle in your life, your relationship…
They’re like an emo stuck to you.

Don’t get me wrong, friends know that they can always talk to me whenever they feel bad, and that I’ll gladly help.
But there are limits.
The people I’m talking about constantly text you during the most inappropriate moments.
While you’re a night out, while you’re at the movies, while you’re having sex, while you’re away for a day, while you’re on a vacation in your own land, while you’re on a family feast, …
and now you might say “oh well, that IS frustrating, but maybe those persons don’t know how bad their timing is? How were they supposed to know what you were doing?”
Well … that’s the thing: I HAD TOLD THEM BEFORE.
Or I tell them as soon as they send me.
And instead of backing off and just leave me be, they keep texting.

Aargh…

So yeah…
All of this, the bad morning mood caused by my brother/sister/ mother shouting downstairs, the irritating two-faced-people at school, the annoying stalker-alike friends, …

And then: you just explode.
It gets too much.
And apparently, I seem to take that all out on my boyfriend.
Poor love…

Although I didn’t do that on purpose.

On school, I’ve been having psychology lessons, I think they are the best.
We learned about self reflection and that sometimes it’s necessary to take some time and think about ourselves.
What is wrong, what is good, who we are, …
And that’s how I found out what was really wrong.

I told my boyfriend in a text message, because he had just left.
He said that we would find a way to work it out, the two of us.
A part of me believes him.
But another part of me is scared that I’ll just keep taking it out on him, and that there’ll be a day when he won’t take it anymore and leave.
And when he does, he’ll never come back…

I know that’s a really pessimistic point of view but I can’t help it…
I’m in a roller coaster of  emotions.

Yesterday afternoon for example, we went to the pool, my boyfriend and I.
We had the best afternoon, ever.
I was so happy and in love…
Today as well when we were walking through the forest.
Kissing and acting foolish.
I even skipped while collecting flowers to make little bouquets which I left on my favorite spots in the forest.

And then all of a sudden, my mood changes to gloomy, dark, sad and frustrated again.
Tonight it was because my parents were not talking to each other (I don’t know what for), or were being snappy at one another.

Yesterday, it was because I was super tired, and because I was babysitting.
Normally from 5.30 p.m ’till 1 a.m.
My boyfriend was with me from around 8 p.m.
But around 1 a.m I suddenly got a text message from the mom saying that they’d be at least an hour later…
My boyfriend decided to leave since he had a match to play today.
We both had to get up early.

I was stuck there and waited the rest of the time on my own.
Finally, the parents arrived at 2.30 a.m…

So yeah…

I’m glad I know that it’s not my boyfriend irritating me or doing something wrong, but I still don’t know what to do about it.

I’ll hope I’ll find a solution soon, because it’s sure not healthy to keep being on this roller coaster of emotions.  

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Love Evaluated

“I believe in true love.
I believe in love at first sight. 
I believe love conquers all. 
And that doesn’t mean there’s not gonna be hard days or difficult things to deal with, 
because there will be.
But finding that person who does it for you and knowing, that person loves you back. 
It just makes everything so much easier.”
– Haley James Scott

I couldn’t agree more with what Haley said.
I do believe in true love.
Love at first sight.
I do believe that love conquers all.

But I also know that love can be hard.
That it’s a process.
That it’s hard work from time to time.

But if it works and you found the way to do it,
it really is the most beautiful thing in the world.
The best feeling there is.

To me, it’s the biggest force in the universe.
The most powerful.
It’s what I’ve wanted all my life.
That’s why I fight so hard.

Although I can’t complain with my love.
He’s the best I ever had.
He’s wonderful.
A little bit a work in progress but still.

We love each other, and we can’t miss each other for more than two days so…
I think we’re adorable.
A match made in heaven.

I love the serie of One Tree Hill (even though I stopped watching after season 6, since at the end of season 6 Lucas Scott and Peyton Sawyer-Scott leave One Tree Hill to never come back. In my opinion you can’t have OTH without Lucas and Peyton. It’s just doesn’t work. 
In French the serie is even called “Les frères Scott”, which -translated- means “The Scott Brothers” so if one just goes away… no. I stopped watching.)

They were my example.
Always have been.
They were the two characters that I could find myself in.
Peyton for the emo-ness, the loneliness, the feelings, the drama and of course, the music.
I LOVE her music.
I even have her “100 songs to save your life” list on my computer.
Lucas I could recognize myself in since he’s also a writer.
He loves writing.
And reading.
And since he’s different from the rest.

So you can imagine my reaction when it became clear that those would be soul mates for life.

And now I have my own ‘Lucas’, whom I love deeply.
I’m such a happy ‘Peyton’.

All my love to him.
My dearest.

He makes my life so much easier.
So wonderful.
He makes me so happy.
He’s my shelter in times of need.
He’s there to protect me from harm.

I love him, for every little thing he does.
Because every little thing he does, has a huge impact on me.

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