Bright Future Ahead

Today I had an oral exam early in the morning.
I got up on time, with my love, and we drove to my school – a drive of about half an hour , give or take-.
I was very nervous getting in, but was able to calm myself.
At the end of the exam I had a “really? that was it?”-feeling.
I went to the reception to collect my exam results from my second and third exam. They were less than I imagined, and one of them I flunked.
I was kind of disappointed at first but then remembered:
I haven’t had much time to study for those exams, no time to make summaries, didn’t even get to read the whole book for one of the two, so in fact, I didn’t do that bad.
It alsof felt quite nice that I didn’t have to tell my results to parents at home now, knowing that I would get a lot of bad, negative, mean comments about it. That I would get punished. That I would feel even worse. Like a failure.

No, this time, it was different. Because this time I’m not studying for anyone else, or because someone else wants me to. This time, I’m doing this for me.
Because I want to graduate and have a bachelor degree. Because I want to be able to give myself a better future, and my family.
Because I want myself and my future husband to have a better future, to give my future children more chances.
I want to be able to improve my life, and in the meantime those of others as well.

I am doing this for me.
And even though I’m keeping up high standards for myself, I sometimes need to pat myself on the shoulder. Because I know that I work hard, doing my utter best to balance work, my relationship, my household, friends, family, planning a wedding and a few others things at the same time.
It’s crazy at times, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
So if I look at all that, it’s no disgrace really to have to do some exams again this summer.
I only failed 1 out of 3 this far, so that’s not bad at all.
Also because the one I failed, is one that almost everybody failed, there have been a lot of complaints to the principal about the unfairness of the exam, and my grades aren’t final until the end of June, so a lot can happen in the meantime.

It feels good to realise that finally, I have my life in my own hands.
That I can make my own choices.
That there’s no one yelling and calling me names behind my back, forcing me to do things I don’t want to.
I feel so free whenever I realise that.
And my love is by my side, supporting me. Not pushing me.

I feel so free, so mature.
Making my own choices, paving my own path.
For the first time in my life, I see good things ahead, and I couldn’t be happier.

– Britt

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Haunting Past and Burning Tears

Today I learned in class that my past still haunts me.
Even though I try so hard to leave it behind me.
There are things that keep haunting me, chasing me down.
Situations that I never properly placed.

And yes, there were some tears.
But I fought them back as long as I could.
After class I stayed behind in the classroom, all by myself.
And it was then that I let some tears loose.

Yes, the past still hurts, bites.
It still lures in the darkness.
Because not every hurtful thing from the past remains there.
Some things still occur today.
Or they keep coming back.

I texted my boyfriend and as always, he did his best to console me.
He said that I should leave the past behind, and I know that he’s right, but I find it really hard to do.

I’ll try my best, again.
But I’m not sure that I’ll succeed.
Not this time.

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Life Your Life To The Fullest

Never let them get to you.
Never let them take you down.
Break your spirit.
Tell you who you are.

You’re the only person that truly knows where you come from,
where you’re now and where you’ll go.
Your story is yet to be written, 
so take the pen and write it yourself.

Do things your way,
but make sure to listen to other’s advice.
Accept help when you need it,
when you can’t do it on your own.

Find someone to pick you up when you’ve fallen down.
Someone to have your back.
Someone to always love
and support you.

Find a reason to be happy.
Either by finding a good love, 
raising your children,
or building your own home.

Find happiness in hobbies.
Play music.
Dance.
Sing.

But whatever you do,
whatever you decide.
Make sure to never forget 
to live your life to the fullest.

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I Am A Dreamer

I am a dreamer.
Always have been.

Ever since I was a little child, my fantasy and dreams have often saved me from the cruel, cold world we sometimes call reality.

For me, my dreams and fantasy were a way to cope with all the deaths in my family.
My little sister, my grandfather, my great-grandmother, my first dog, my second dog, my uncle, …
It was a way to cope with things that didn’t make any sense to me.

Why would a normal, rather healthy, happy person commit suicide?
Why would a healthy, adorably sweet dog die?
Why did those people had to be taken away from me?
Were they making me TOO happy?
Was that a sin?

It became an automatism for me.
Whenever things get too hard, too real.
I escape.

Of course there comes a time when I have to leave my beautiful world and come back and face reality.
Face the problems, the issues, the situations.
And I do.
And it’s still hard, it is, every time again, but in a way, it’s easier when I first visited my fantasy world.

Also, my dreams are what define me.
My ambitions.
My hopes.
My expectations.

They are what shapes me.
And for that, I’m not afraid and ashamed to say that I’m a dreamer.
I’m proud of it.
And as long as I can, I promise to never stop dreaming.

With all my heart I believe that a person needs to dream.
Because they give you a goal.
Something to reach for.

Therefore I say: Keep dreaming.
Keep chasing that dream.
And who knows, maybe one day, it ‘ll be more than just a dream.
Maybe one day it ‘ll be something you can be proud of.
Something you actually have accomplished.

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