Princess of Darkness

As a dark princess she split the sky.
Leaving slight waves of fog all around her.
Bats surrounding her.
Crows flying close to her.

Creatures of the night came out of their homes.
Following her into the dark forest.
As she danced through the night, 
with only the light of the moon to guide her.

Wolves walking by her side, guiding her.
Protecting her.
She curled the ends of her red painted lips up.
A beautiful smile showing on her face.

She was neither good nor bad.
A princess of the darkness.
Filled with life,
but inevitable connected to death.

Dancing as if she was in her own little world.
Protected by the creatures on her side.
The darkness.
The moon.

Alone she danced.
Laughed and cried.
Twirled as her black hair spread around her, like a veil.

Alone.
But happy.

Everybody’s Got A Dark Side

I believe that everybody’s got a dark side.

I myself for example, may look rather normal, but I really like dark things.

For one, I kind of look up to Jack The Ripper. Not because he murdered a lot of (innocent) people, but because up till now no one knows who he was.
And I don’t think anyone ever will.
Talking about committing the perfect murder.
You have to give the man some kind of respect for that, I know I do.

Secondly: As told before in one of my previous posts, I’m obsessed with vampires. Not the Twilight version (although I have nothing against Twilight, I have the books, seen all the movies in theatre, have the dvd’s, have a movie poster and so on..), I just don’t consider Twilight vampires being actual vampires. They  barely even have the fangs.
The Vampire Diaries is a lot better that way. There’s still the romantic part of vampires, but also the blood-sucking monstrosity. They still tear the skin of the human neck to get what they so desperately crave for: human blood.
This is why this serie is one of my all time favorites.
I like every aspect of vampires. The either blood sucking ‘monsters’, the supernatural beings, the half gods, the immortal being that they are. All their feelings, their pain, their love, their life, …
I’ve been researching for as long as I can remember. And up till this day, they still fascinate me so much. There’s so much left to learn about them.
It’s one of my lifelong dreams to someday meet one.
Yes, you read it correctly, meet one. I believe that vampires truly exist, just not the way they look in the movies. 
I believe that they have adapted themselves to this age,this time. 
But I’ll probably write a post about my opinion and vision on vampires later.

Third: I adore the color black, along with red, it’s my all time favorite color. There’s a post where I explained why I like this color so much before, but since I can’t seem to find it back, I’ll just shortly repeat the most important things. 
For me, black stands for beauty, elegance and style. It’s chique, fancy.
Also, it’s the color of the night. Dark Black. The night is when I feel most at ease. Alive one might say. It’s when I get my best ideas. Think the most, a benefit of being sleepless all the time I think. Long live insomnia. 

Fourth: One of my other dark passions used to be Wicca, white magic. Witchcraft. I used to love it so much, it was a way for me to express myself, it helped me find out who I am and what I’m capable of.
Sadly, life got real and I had to focus on things like school, relationships, friends, domestic things… so I kind of lost touch with Wicca.
I’m determined to pick it back up someday soon though, who knows, since I quit school I got plenty of time left on my hands while I’m looking for a job. I might start again sooner than I thought. More on Wicca later.

Fifth:  Ever since I was a little girl, I always felt different. Sad. Misunderstood. Left out.
For example, when I was very little (younger than ten years) I used to believe that I was actually adopted, and that that was the reason why my mom would be so hard on me from time to time. Because I wasn’t her biological child.
I believe that somewhere out there there was a mother who regretted giving me up once, and who wanted nothing more than having me back in her arms. Who’d be loving, caring.
Not that I had such a bad youth, but it helped when times got rough, which they surely did from time to time.
I guess that even back then, I had a lot of imagination.
Also, ever since I began writing, my texts would be rather sad, dark. Talking about the bad things that had happened to me, deaths in the family and broken hearts. Bad thoughts I had from time to time, when I’d hurt myself.
I felt as if I only knew the dark side of life, as if I’d grown up in it.
It felt familiar, safe.

Sixth: I’m terrified of death. I know a lot of people are, but for me it really is the most horrifying thing in the world. Not knowing if my death will be full of pain, or if I’ll peacefully pass away in my sleep. 
Will my life truly end after I die, my existence? Or will I live on , but just in another world, another dimension?
Not knowing all of this truly frightens me.

Seventh: I absolutely adore Gothic things. The culture, the clothing (especially the corsets and the medieval alike dresses).
I also love the dark, mysterious music of Evanescence and Within Temptation a lot. I can relate to the feelings of pain, loss and feeling useless, powerless very well.
I used to feel that way almost constantly. I’d smile, but it would be nothing more than a mask that I’d be wearing.
Also, I adore horror. They are my most beloved movies and books. I absolutely love scary things, although I can’t stand being in a haunted house, not even on the fair.
I can enjoy movies like saw for example, although those are not my favorite kinds of horror. My favorite horror movies are those involving ghosts, those with an actual story. Mysteries.
The haunting, Haunting at the beacon and many many others.

Eighth: I believe in ghosts. Ghosts, as in the lost souls of people who had died suddenly or violently. Ghosts, as in the lost souls of people who don’t even realize that they have passed.
Ghosts, as in the souls of people that can’t go to the light, since they haven’t fulfilled their final task. 
Those kind of ghosts, I believe in. I’m a believer. I know that there are many people who don’t, or call it nonsense, but still. There is prove, not that much, and not all of it is real, but there is proof.
Just like vampires and witchcraft, it’s something that I’ve been researching for years, I even used to keep files of my research results.
Maybe I still have it laying around here somewhere.

So you see, these are parts of my dark side, or what it is that I consider my dark side to be. 
My dark side doesn’t outweigh my light side, they are in perfect balance, and I like to keep them that way.
I believe that a dark side is needed too. 
I believe that everyone needs to find out what their dark side is, look at it, stare in the bottomless depth of it. And see it staring back at you.
Don’t be afraid, it’s only a part of you that you need to look in the eyes. When you do, and you conquer it, embrace it. You’ll find yourself stronger than before.
Good luck.

 

Looking Back

It’s around this time of the year that I always sit and think for a moment.
As I sit and think, I look back on the past year. Did I achieve the goals I had set for myself? Am I happy now?

And if I’m being completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I didn’t get where I wanted to be.
By now, I thought I’d be in my second year of college studying to become a history/ English teacher in high school.
I had to let go of my dream to be a teacher once I found out that I just wasn’t able to talk in front of so much people, the history/English part, I would’ve succeeded in, if I would’ve worked harder, but the teaching part… no… that failed.
So I watched my dream of the past eight to ten years just..crumble and burn to ashes. Which was hard.
Instead, I’m now in my first year of Graphical Design.
Studying something I swore I’d never, ever do again.
And I have to admit, I hate this first semester, since I have every possible course, and I hate web design for example.
But the second semester is going to be much, much better, since after our January exams, we get to choose our study. There are four different ones, and we have to pick one.
I feel good about mine, even though I’m leaving my great friends from my class now behind…
So as far as school goes, I consider myself failed.
I lost contact with some friends. Some I don’t mind losing contact with, but the school year before, I had four great friends, and I surely miss them…
I’m so busy with school all the time now (yes, even more than last year!), since we have to constantly work and all my remaining time goes to my family, hobbies and my amazing boyfriend.
That’s a big win for me this year.
A year ago, I had my heart broken by a boy that I loved, but he didn’t love me back. Instead, he used me. Played me. Which hurt, a lot.
So, while writing in my Diary (which I don’t really do anymore) I promised myself, as I was writing a poem, that in a year or so, I’d make a perfect pair with someone, that I’d be happy, in love. That I’d find a great boy and love him to bits.
I said that he would be nice, loving, caring, tender and playful, maybe even a bit romantic.
And I’m so deliriously happy to say that I have found him.
No matter what, he stands by my side. Even though the past four months and three weeks I’ve often been a wreck. He’s seen and heard me crash so often. He’s seen me beautiful, sleazy, tired, annoyed, irritated, happy, crying, …
and he was always there for me. Even without saying something. He’d just take me in his arms and caress my hair. Tell me everything would be ok and that he was there for me.
He makes me feel so safe.  So happy.

Although I’m about six years younger than him, he doesn’t treat me like a little child just because I’m ‘only’ 20 years old, no, he treats me as an adult. He helps me be more adult, and he doesn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed when I do behave a little .. immature. When I act silly, laughing for absolutely no reason, smiling, sticking out my tongue (yes, I love to do that, can’t help it).
He likes that I still feel young. That I still believe in fairy tales. He says it makes me cute.
That I’m cute.
Looking back on the past year, he’s the best thing that happened to me.
And tonight, I’ll spend my first Christmas eve with him and a part of his family.
I’m going to meet his godchild, so like I said yesterday, I’m nervous.
I’ll start early enough to prepare myself for tonight. Have a nice long shower to calm down the nerves, take enough time to dress up and do my make up, …

I hope this is the start of a beautiful tradition. The beginning of many Christmas holidays together. Of a life together. A beautiful life.

I’m not the same girl that I was a year ago as well. I know my parents, especially my mom will tell me otherwise, but I did grow up.
I’m thinking about my future, about working and earning money myself. I’m thinking of going on a short vacation with my love, thinking about living together one day, thinking about babies (don’t worry, not the first three years, at least), …
I want to feel more useful, I want to be able to cook, take care of myself, stand on my own two feet.
And really, I’ve been feeling that way since I spent three weeks on my own during Summer break, while the rest of the family was out on vacation.
I managed just fine really.
I cleaned, cooked, prepared meals for myself, did the dishes myself, took care of the pets, …

And I dress differently as well. I still wear a lot of black, since it’s my favourite colour, along with red, and okay, sometimes you can find me wearing a ‘childish’ t-shirt, or gothic things that –as my mom likes to say- makes me look like a slut, but that’s just who I am, and I’m not going to apologize for being myself.
I wear whatever I like, and it’s not like I’m going to dress slutty when I have to go to something formal.
I like black, I love black, I adore black, because of many reasons. First of all: it reminds me of death, which –of course- is not a pleasant or a good thing, but still it does happen. Everyday. People get born, they live and then, at some point, either way too early, mostly way too early, they die. So whenever I wear black, I think back of all the people I’ve lost, I have to say goodbye to. That way, I’ll never forget them. I’ll honour them, by living a good life, but showing them then no matter what, they are always with me, because I’ll always wear something black. How tiny or little it may be, even if  you can’t always see it.
Second, I find black a rather elegant, fashionable, mysterious colour. So whenever I wear black, I feel mysterious, a kind of special.
I don’t want to be one of those people that follow the rest. Whenever purple’s the new trendy colour , everyone starts to wear purple. No. Not me. I want to be different, show people that I have my own personality and style.
I am me. And even though I may not be the smartest, most beautiful or talented person on this planet, I am proud of who I am and what it is that I have achieved, how little that may be.
And I hope that I’ll never forget that.

Life Changing Influences

Hey darlings
So today I stayed home all day, since I got sick yesterday evening and spend most of the night and early morning besides my good friend, the toilet.
Indeed, stomach issues, -insert sarcastic ‘yay’ here- , took me long enough to get it too, considering I spend everyday with sick people all around me: On the train, at home, at school, on the bus, …
Seems like the weekend started early for me, since I’ll be home tomorrow as well.
I don’t mind it that much though, got to sleep loooong -which felt great, considering most of the time the most sleep I can get is about 7 hours-, the thing that I do hate about stomach shizzles is that you can’t eat anything. Well… not all the yummy stuff at least. No bananas, no apples, no orange juice, no veggies, no sweets, no cookies, you can drink cola but only without the bubbles, … 
So the only thing I ate today was a toast with some cheese on it -thank god I loooooove cheese! I’m addicted to it- and about three yoghurts, natural with a little hint of sugar.
I spend my day in my pajamas, watching the last new episodes of “how I met your mother”‘s season eight online, did some facebooking -since I felt lonely, sick people get that sometimes- and then I realized: I had lots and lots of time now. That I needed to spend in bed, resting, so why wouldn’t I rest, while catching up on my ‘The Vampire Diaries’ episodes? (I have seen as far as season 3, but since it had been too long that I’ve seen an episode, I decided to go back to the beginning, which is season 1, duh).
And well… watching all these episodes, I remember why it’s one of my favorite series ever.
‘The Vampire Diaries’ and ‘One Tree Hill’, best series ever. Of course, I’ve watched others as well, but well… they didn’t affect me that much. ‘One Tree Hill’ has taught me much about myself, about dealing with certain things, friendship, love, life, death, … I’m such a Peyton. That’s also the reason why I stopped watching the show after season six, when Lucas and Peyton left One Tree Hill with their baby girl, Sawyer. Since , without those two, ‘One Tree Hill’ just simply isn’t ‘One Tree Hill’ anymore. In French, the show’s even called ‘Les Frères Scott’ which means ‘The Scott brothers’ , so you just can’t kick one of the brothers out. But I’m not going to rattle on about this matter, ’cause I could just go on and on and on.
I loved and still love that show so much. I loved it so much, that I even looked up Peyton’s ‘100 songs to save your life’ list and got all the songs together to put on my iPod. As well as her podcasts. And I kept every quote that was ever used in the show as well.
I even have one hanging above my bed.
If I remember it correctly, it even was one of the first posts I ever posted on my blog.
Take A Look In The Mirror , this is the blog I’m talking off. 
It really is a beautiful text, which gave me so much strength and hope when I had lost all hope.
It may sound stupid, but I believe that those kind of shows can actually change someone’s life, I know they have for me.
One Tree Hill has thought me how to let someone in, what true friends are and how to maintain those friendships, so many things.

‘The Vampire Diaries’ on the other hand is of course totally different. It’s much less a show from which I can learn, although there you learn the value of family. Friends as well. And true love, no matter what the haters say. 
And of course, since I’m obsessed with vampires and pretty much anything paranormal, I adore all the vampires, ghosts, witches and werewolves in the series.
And the music, the music is so great. Just like with One Tree Hill, I have all the music up until now. 
Once you’ve seen the series, you can link the songs to the feelings, the part of the episodes, which gives the songs and the lyrics a second meaning, besides their primal one.
So that’s why, sometimes, when I hear a certain song, I get all mooshy (which means ‘romantic’ or ’emotional’ -either good or bad- in my own invented, imaginary language) so I could be sitting on the train, staring out of the window and suddenly smile like an idiot, or bite my lip as tears are starting to fill my eyes…
Yeah, I’m pretty emotional. Over-emotional one would sometimes even say.
A religion teacher of mine once said that it’s what makes me so special. That I’m able to feel for anything, or anyone.
Even though I hate it most of the times. Since people don’t look at it the way my teacher did, they just see me crying or having ‘moodswings’ and call me a drama queen instead, or even worse: an emo. I’ve been called an emo lots and lots of times, you wouldn’t believe.
Just because I’m emotional, sensitive and most of the times wear black -I can’t help that I love the color, I find it beautiful. Mysterious, dark and it stands for so many different things for me. Black like the night, terrifying for most people, but it’s the time when I feel alive the most. Black,the color of death. And If you have read my blog a couple of times, you know that death is a very sensitive matter for me. (Sweet Dreams, Reminisce Of Memories, …). Black is mysterious. To me it’s neither a happy, nor a sad color. It’s comforting. Safe. And I look beautiful in black, with my golden blonde hairs and pale blue eyes with just a hint of grey in them. 
I love, what most people don’t, which is why I love ‘The Vampire Diaries’ so much. I read the books as well. Have been for the past four years or so.
They keep my fantasy and vampire obsession alive.
And just like the series, they never leave me unsatisfied behind. 
They are great, in so many ways. 
I know that not everyone likes the series, nor the books, to everyone their own taste of course.
But to me, it’s heaven.
And with all this talking about it, I just decided to watch some more episodes.
See you soon my dears, hope you had/are having a great day!