Faith In Humanity

From time to time I tend to lose faith in humanity, because -let’s be honest- people can truly be horrible sometimes.
Selfish, hurtful, rude, cruel, vengeful, …

Sometimes there are persons that do things that are so far from my own personality and character that it horrifies me.

My Facebook is filled with video’s of humans mistreating animals, being cruel to one another.
Saying mean things to hurt another person, with no obvious or clear reason at all.

People are selfish, only thinking about themselves, not caring for another.
I have learned that the hard way lately.
Most people only tend to “be there” for you when they can use you for their own personal gain.
They only text you or mail you when they need something from you.

If you’re sick, they will feel sorry for you at first but when they notice that it will take longer than they expected for you to get better, they let you down.
No more contact, no more sincere “how are you”.

Because like Elena Gilbert once said in the Vampire Diaries: “When someone asks “how are you?” they really don’t want an answer.”

It’s just easier for them not contacting you, hearing you or seeing you, because then they don’t have to pretend to care. And sometimes, I get that. I think everyone did the same from time to time, sadly.

But it tends to get hard when you’re the one that needs someone to ask you that question, and nobody does.

Like I said, I learned the hard way, and it truly sucked.

So whenever I tend to lose my faith in humanity because of things like this, there are a few persons that restore my faith.

And I love the fact that even though the horrible things people do: the cruelty to other persons, animals, nature, the wars, the fights, the being-mean, … are truly horrifying and bad, it doesn’t take equally as much GOOD things to change the balance between good and bad.

The simplest of things can fix  my faith.
Someone being polite in traffic.
A smile from the cashier at the local store.
Someone being helpful for one another.
An unexpected text from a good friend, asking how I am and asking to meet and do something fun.
A good talk with someone, a really good, since one.
A smile.
A hug.
A funny post from someone.
Seeing someone be good to one another….

The little things.
Thank God for those little things, because they truly make life worth living.
It’s true, there are more selfish, bad people nowadays.
But it’s the good ones, the kind, helpful ones that make the difference.

And that is one of the many reasons why I love Christmas, it really tends to bring out the best in everyone.
Of course, it shouldn’t be the only period where you are nice to someone or helpful and kind, but it’s a start.

I feel blessed for having been through a rather difficult and hard time in my life, because now I know who I can count on.
Now I really know who matters.

I may not have a big group of friends
or a ton of money
or many other things
but I see myself as a rich person nonetheless, because I am rich with lessons and truths. I learn, I evolve, I explore.

And I may still have a long road ahead, and that road might not be easy, but at least now I know who has my back.

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I’m Trying Not To Let Go

I think of you , and my heart just breaks.
I think of all the beautiful, perfect moments we shared.
The laughter. The crying. The hurt. The passion. The love. The desire.
The way you used to look at me, as if nothing else mattered.

Those memories, they break my heart.
They bring tears to my eyes, but I blink them away.
I’m sick and tired of crying, because it’s what I’ve been doing for the past months
and still I get the feeling that I’ve lost you.

Over the months I could feel you slipping away.
I tried everything to hold you close, keep you tight.
I picked you up when you were down, I held you in my arms when you were sad.
I cheered you up with my stupid comments whenever you didn’t feel like laughing.
I was always there, right by your side.

Right by your side, and yet you felt so far away…
It was as if you were swimming in the sea and the waves were taking you farther away from me.
Into the deep, blue ocean.
It was as if you were drowning, and I was just witnessing it. Unable to do anything. Anything at all.

I watched you sink into a big black hole and I felt so damn useless…
I tried literally everything.
I took my distance, I stayed close, I came over, I suggested that you’d take some time alone with you and your best friend(s).
That you’d have more freedom. Go out if that’s what you wanted to do.

I got mad, I yelled and screamed and cried…
So much that it literally hurt my heart.. badly…
But nothing seemed to get through to you.
It was as if you were living in a totally different world..

I really hope that finally, it’s gotten through.
I hope that I’ll hear from you, soon.
Or that you’ll stand here before my door.
That you show me that you understand me, and are willing to work on it.

I really hope that I didn’t really lose you.
But I can’t shake this feeling, that I already have…

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Alice and Hatter

Everyone always said that I a lot of fantasy.
I always imagined myself as some character I read about or saw in a movie.
I saw couples that I was jealous of.
Lucas and Peyton from One Tree Hill, Stefan and Elena from the Vampire Diaries, Arwen and Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, …

At one point I even started to picture myself as Alice, from Alice in Wonderland.
I loved the band that was growing between her and Hatter.
Which in the series “Alice” even lead to a real relationship between those two.
Also in the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland , one could see that she truly loved him.
At least, as a friend.

I wanted that as well.
I was Alice, a girl trying to escape from the pressure and hardness of the real world.
Ducking into a rabbit hole to escape and to go to a magical fantasy world.

I promised myself that one day I’d find my Hatter.
A true friend on which I knew I could always count, night and day.
Someone who would be there for me always, even in the darkest of times.
Who would love me, silently if needed.

About three years ago I met my Hatter, but it took me a year and a half to see him as something other than ‘just a friend’.
All of a sudden I could see his beauty. The one that I’ve been seeing passed for so long.
And my god, how beautiful he was. Because I truly knew him, and I fell so deeply in love with his personality that he even got more beautiful on the outside as well.

I found my Hatter
and every now and then I still visit my Wonderland
only now,
I’m not lonely anymore.

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Tell me what’s wrong with me

I feel lost.
Insecure.
Angry.
Sad.
Hurt.
Powerless.

I feel as if I’m standing on the side, watching my life slip away.
Watch it slip right through my fingers.

I’ve been holding so much in for so many years that I appear to become numb.
Insensitive.

I can talk about all the crap in my life, without even shedding a tear.
I can even kind of smile while saying it.
Which isn’t me at all.
But then  few hours later I start crying for no reason at all.

I’m in deep.
Deeper than I ever was before.

And I’m lost.
I lost me.
I lost my ability to keep my brick wall up whenever I need it.
Because apparently I never take my wall down anymore…

I’m always on guard, which sometimes makes me act different, tougher, more arrogant or which makes me say things that I don’t really mean.

I’m dying.
I’m so lost and confused and hurt.
But most of all: sad.

I carry so much weight and sadness with me.
It’s simply overwhelming.
It’s making it hard to breathe.

I need help
and I need it fast.

Because I’m terrified of what I might do to myself…
of the consequences all of this is going to have on me…

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Frustrations Of Life

I’ve been feeling so frustrated and irritated lately.
And the worst of all is that I seem to be taking it out on my boyfriend.
I almost daily find reasons to complain about things he’s supposedly doing, things he does wrong, things I don’t like so I get to be grumpy.
But actually, it’s not his fault, at all.
He’s not doing anything wrong.

After some reflection, I found out that it’s a lot of other things that are irritating and frustrating me.
Home for example.
At home, we don’t seem to be able to just talk to each other.
No.
We yell, shout, …
we don’t talk.
You almost feel as if you’re in the army.
Orders are being shouted at you.
All sentences are short and in a way of command.
‘No’ is not accepted.

There is barely any respect from time to time as well.
For example:
If all the children (me, my 17-year old sister and my 14-year old brother) sleep at home, 
my sister gets up around 6 in the morning, my brother around 6.30 and I get up at 6.45.
So obviously, I get up the last.
However, the children’s bathroom is right next to my bedroom.
The bathtub is next to the head of my bed, only separated by a wall. 
Now you would think that if my brother and sister get up first, they’d be quiet in the bathroom since I’m still sleeping right next to it.

Wrong.
They make so much noise.
They talk loud, laugh, fight, run, …
It’s hell.
So basically every morning whenever those two are in the bathroom together, I wake up with a huuuuuge morning mood.
A really bad one.

Then I go to school, where everyone is always loud, and chatting, and talking behind each others back, calling names, being childish…
Even though I’m one of the youngest in class, along with about three-four, five at the most other people in their early twenties.
The others are married women, mothers, older women, …
Adults.
Although they don’t always act that way.
Not all of them of course, but most do.
You got one bully in class and some others seem too scared to go up against her.
So they rather just go with the flow.

I do neither.
I just keep my mouth shut.
But my head is constantly filled with things, words, dying to get out.
To be said.
Right in those people’s face.
Of course, I can’t do that.

All the chattering and laughing and gossiping causes me such a headache… 
So I get home in the evening, my head bursting, irritated, tired, …
and all I want is to see my boyfriend, hold him, tell him I love him, kiss him, …
and then there is my other point of irritation.

Annoying friends that only text you when they need you.
Need you to make an assignment for them, to complain about their broken relationship, to complain about .. whatever really.
To try and meddle in your life, your relationship…
They’re like an emo stuck to you.

Don’t get me wrong, friends know that they can always talk to me whenever they feel bad, and that I’ll gladly help.
But there are limits.
The people I’m talking about constantly text you during the most inappropriate moments.
While you’re a night out, while you’re at the movies, while you’re having sex, while you’re away for a day, while you’re on a vacation in your own land, while you’re on a family feast, …
and now you might say “oh well, that IS frustrating, but maybe those persons don’t know how bad their timing is? How were they supposed to know what you were doing?”
Well … that’s the thing: I HAD TOLD THEM BEFORE.
Or I tell them as soon as they send me.
And instead of backing off and just leave me be, they keep texting.

Aargh…

So yeah…
All of this, the bad morning mood caused by my brother/sister/ mother shouting downstairs, the irritating two-faced-people at school, the annoying stalker-alike friends, …

And then: you just explode.
It gets too much.
And apparently, I seem to take that all out on my boyfriend.
Poor love…

Although I didn’t do that on purpose.

On school, I’ve been having psychology lessons, I think they are the best.
We learned about self reflection and that sometimes it’s necessary to take some time and think about ourselves.
What is wrong, what is good, who we are, …
And that’s how I found out what was really wrong.

I told my boyfriend in a text message, because he had just left.
He said that we would find a way to work it out, the two of us.
A part of me believes him.
But another part of me is scared that I’ll just keep taking it out on him, and that there’ll be a day when he won’t take it anymore and leave.
And when he does, he’ll never come back…

I know that’s a really pessimistic point of view but I can’t help it…
I’m in a roller coaster of  emotions.

Yesterday afternoon for example, we went to the pool, my boyfriend and I.
We had the best afternoon, ever.
I was so happy and in love…
Today as well when we were walking through the forest.
Kissing and acting foolish.
I even skipped while collecting flowers to make little bouquets which I left on my favorite spots in the forest.

And then all of a sudden, my mood changes to gloomy, dark, sad and frustrated again.
Tonight it was because my parents were not talking to each other (I don’t know what for), or were being snappy at one another.

Yesterday, it was because I was super tired, and because I was babysitting.
Normally from 5.30 p.m ’till 1 a.m.
My boyfriend was with me from around 8 p.m.
But around 1 a.m I suddenly got a text message from the mom saying that they’d be at least an hour later…
My boyfriend decided to leave since he had a match to play today.
We both had to get up early.

I was stuck there and waited the rest of the time on my own.
Finally, the parents arrived at 2.30 a.m…

So yeah…

I’m glad I know that it’s not my boyfriend irritating me or doing something wrong, but I still don’t know what to do about it.

I’ll hope I’ll find a solution soon, because it’s sure not healthy to keep being on this roller coaster of emotions.  

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Love Evaluated

“I believe in true love.
I believe in love at first sight. 
I believe love conquers all. 
And that doesn’t mean there’s not gonna be hard days or difficult things to deal with, 
because there will be.
But finding that person who does it for you and knowing, that person loves you back. 
It just makes everything so much easier.”
– Haley James Scott

I couldn’t agree more with what Haley said.
I do believe in true love.
Love at first sight.
I do believe that love conquers all.

But I also know that love can be hard.
That it’s a process.
That it’s hard work from time to time.

But if it works and you found the way to do it,
it really is the most beautiful thing in the world.
The best feeling there is.

To me, it’s the biggest force in the universe.
The most powerful.
It’s what I’ve wanted all my life.
That’s why I fight so hard.

Although I can’t complain with my love.
He’s the best I ever had.
He’s wonderful.
A little bit a work in progress but still.

We love each other, and we can’t miss each other for more than two days so…
I think we’re adorable.
A match made in heaven.

I love the serie of One Tree Hill (even though I stopped watching after season 6, since at the end of season 6 Lucas Scott and Peyton Sawyer-Scott leave One Tree Hill to never come back. In my opinion you can’t have OTH without Lucas and Peyton. It’s just doesn’t work. 
In French the serie is even called “Les frères Scott”, which -translated- means “The Scott Brothers” so if one just goes away… no. I stopped watching.)

They were my example.
Always have been.
They were the two characters that I could find myself in.
Peyton for the emo-ness, the loneliness, the feelings, the drama and of course, the music.
I LOVE her music.
I even have her “100 songs to save your life” list on my computer.
Lucas I could recognize myself in since he’s also a writer.
He loves writing.
And reading.
And since he’s different from the rest.

So you can imagine my reaction when it became clear that those would be soul mates for life.

And now I have my own ‘Lucas’, whom I love deeply.
I’m such a happy ‘Peyton’.

All my love to him.
My dearest.

He makes my life so much easier.
So wonderful.
He makes me so happy.
He’s my shelter in times of need.
He’s there to protect me from harm.

I love him, for every little thing he does.
Because every little thing he does, has a huge impact on me.

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Insecurities & Changes

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit down from time to time.
Even more since Summer’s coming.
It’s getting warmer, and people start wearing shorts, tops, …
But the thing is,
I used to have a beautiful figure, model alike.
Actually, I have been a model, not long because I didn’t like it that much, but still.
I was.
I had people being jealous of my belly, since it was so flat and hard.
I’ve always hated my upper legs, because they were so big.

And then , around  April last year my body decided to change.
My upper legs got even bigger, so that now my upper legs need a size Large/40 and the downside of my legs need a Medium/38.
So, I never wear pants anymore.
Although I used to love wearing jeans.
It just looks way too ugly.
My ass looks huuuuge.

I don’t even fit most of my old clothes anymore.
Shorts look disgusting on me since it doesn’t fit my legs.
I have relatives saying how whorish I look in my skirts, since they are ‘too tight’.
Because you see my ass too much.
When I try to explain how that comes, they just laugh at me.
Also, my boobs got even bigger so now whenever I wear a top, dress or t-shirt it looks gigantic.
But I can’t help it.
It’s just the way I’m built right now.
I don’t get why people have to be so cruel about it.

Also, my belly decided to change.
It’s not that I’m fat, but it got larger on the sides.
My hips don’t stick out anymore.
And I don’t like these changes , at all.

As long as I can hide it in dresses, skirts, it’s okay.
But as soon as Summer arrives again… that’s hell.

So now I keep looking at pictures of beautiful girls with flat stomachs,
like I used to have.
I keep looking at pictures of my shoot, because they remind me of how I used to be.
Beautiful.
Boys would adore me.
But now..
I don’t know.

Maybe one day, I’ll be beautiful again.

You know what?
Scrap those last lines.
Yes, my body has changed.
Yes, I don’t like it.
Yes, I miss the old days.

But just because I look different than I used to do , that doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful anymore.
Because I am.
I may not have the looks of a model anymore, but that doesn’t matter.
What matters is that I learn to accept the fact that I’ve changed.
And that if I can’t, I’ll be persistent to do something about it.
THAT is what matters.
How I feel.
What I think.

I shouldn’t let myself get put down by others, because those other persons rarely look in the mirror themselves.

No one is perfect, so neither am I.

To say it with Christina Aquilera’s words:

♫ I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can’t bring me down
Oh no
So don’t you bring me down today ♫

Two Pictures from my shoot, about 2 years ago.ImageImage

Two pictures, taken today in my room.

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