Tell me what’s wrong with me

I feel lost.
Insecure.
Angry.
Sad.
Hurt.
Powerless.

I feel as if I’m standing on the side, watching my life slip away.
Watch it slip right through my fingers.

I’ve been holding so much in for so many years that I appear to become numb.
Insensitive.

I can talk about all the crap in my life, without even shedding a tear.
I can even kind of smile while saying it.
Which isn’t me at all.
But then  few hours later I start crying for no reason at all.

I’m in deep.
Deeper than I ever was before.

And I’m lost.
I lost me.
I lost my ability to keep my brick wall up whenever I need it.
Because apparently I never take my wall down anymore…

I’m always on guard, which sometimes makes me act different, tougher, more arrogant or which makes me say things that I don’t really mean.

I’m dying.
I’m so lost and confused and hurt.
But most of all: sad.

I carry so much weight and sadness with me.
It’s simply overwhelming.
It’s making it hard to breathe.

I need help
and I need it fast.

Because I’m terrified of what I might do to myself…
of the consequences all of this is going to have on me…

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Thank You

I want to thank you.

For loving me.
For being my reason for living.
Ever since we met, you’ve changed my life. 
I never realized how damn important you would be for me.
How unbelievably much you’d mean to me.
What you’d become.
And what I now hope you will always be.

Ever since you loved me, I changed.
I became stronger, more confident with all the changes my body was and is going through.
You made me feel beautiful again, while I was grieving over my so called lost beauty.
Whenever I’d be sad, down, broken.. You’d simply pick me up and put the pieces back together again.

You’re my guardian angel.
My best friend.
My big brother.
But most of all, my lover.
The person I love the most.
The one I love with all my heart.
The one I’d die for to keep.
The one, my one.

You’re the one I want to have children with someday.
You’re the one I want to marry.
You’re the one I want to grow old with.
You’re the one I see myself spending the rest of my life with. 

Your beauty is overwhelming.
As is all the love you give to me.
Every touch, every kiss, … it causes my heart to skip a beat.
I’m so hopelessly and helplessly in love with you.
I am so lost in you.

I know I tell you everyday that I love you, and how much I love you.
How I adore you.
But I never thanked you for loving me.
For changing my life.
Because you did.
You made me believe in things like love at first sight, true love and fairytales again.
Because we have it all.

You truly are everything I could’ve ever dreamed of.
You are everything and more.
All I could’ve asked for.

Thank you, for being the wonderful, loving, sensitive, funny, caring, … person that you are.
Thank you, for always protecting me from all the bad things in the world.
Thank you also, for still letting me experience some things on my own.
Thank you, for giving me the strength needed to make a decision to change my course in life.
Thank you, for trusting me, even when I know it’s not always that easy, since there are constantly people trying to get between us.

But most of all, thank you, for loving me.
Because your love has truly changed me.
Thank you, for making me see the person I should’ve been all along.

I love you, please don’t ever leave.

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I’m In Love

I’m in love.
Helplessly and hopelessly.
My whole life is devoted to you.
To honor you. Love you.

I’m in love.
I’m lost in your eyes, your soul.
Lost in you.
And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I’m in love.
Suddenly my reason for living is clear,
as you’re standing right in front of me.
As you kiss me.

I’m in love.
It makes every day beautiful, no matter what goes wrong.
As long as there’s you, one way or another,
it’s perfect.

I’m in love.
And I couldn’t bare living life without you anymore.
It’s impossible to imagine what that would be like.
Too hard.

I’m in love.
I’m in love with you, with everything about you,
with your looks, your touch, your kiss.
I’m in love with the very idea of being in love with you.

I’m in love.
And it has made me feel so alive.
My world has become so beautiful, wonderful ever since you came in it.
I’m in love, and I hope that I will forever be.

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Perfect Harmony

Beauty,
whenever I look into your eyes.
Those brown-green-gray diamonds.
Mirrors to your soul.

Love,
whenever you touch me.
Ever so lightly.
Gently.

Passion,
whenever you kiss me.
Your hand slipping up my neck.
Caressing my cheek.

Lost,
whenever you’re gone.
When we’re apart.
Counting the hours ’till our return.

Happy,
whenever you hold me.
Wrapped in your arms.
Listening to your heartbeat.

Peaceful,
whenever I’m sleeping on your chest.
My breathing adapting to yours.
Perfect harmony.

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Looking Back

It’s around this time of the year that I always sit and think for a moment.
As I sit and think, I look back on the past year. Did I achieve the goals I had set for myself? Am I happy now?

And if I’m being completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I didn’t get where I wanted to be.
By now, I thought I’d be in my second year of college studying to become a history/ English teacher in high school.
I had to let go of my dream to be a teacher once I found out that I just wasn’t able to talk in front of so much people, the history/English part, I would’ve succeeded in, if I would’ve worked harder, but the teaching part… no… that failed.
So I watched my dream of the past eight to ten years just..crumble and burn to ashes. Which was hard.
Instead, I’m now in my first year of Graphical Design.
Studying something I swore I’d never, ever do again.
And I have to admit, I hate this first semester, since I have every possible course, and I hate web design for example.
But the second semester is going to be much, much better, since after our January exams, we get to choose our study. There are four different ones, and we have to pick one.
I feel good about mine, even though I’m leaving my great friends from my class now behind…
So as far as school goes, I consider myself failed.
I lost contact with some friends. Some I don’t mind losing contact with, but the school year before, I had four great friends, and I surely miss them…
I’m so busy with school all the time now (yes, even more than last year!), since we have to constantly work and all my remaining time goes to my family, hobbies and my amazing boyfriend.
That’s a big win for me this year.
A year ago, I had my heart broken by a boy that I loved, but he didn’t love me back. Instead, he used me. Played me. Which hurt, a lot.
So, while writing in my Diary (which I don’t really do anymore) I promised myself, as I was writing a poem, that in a year or so, I’d make a perfect pair with someone, that I’d be happy, in love. That I’d find a great boy and love him to bits.
I said that he would be nice, loving, caring, tender and playful, maybe even a bit romantic.
And I’m so deliriously happy to say that I have found him.
No matter what, he stands by my side. Even though the past four months and three weeks I’ve often been a wreck. He’s seen and heard me crash so often. He’s seen me beautiful, sleazy, tired, annoyed, irritated, happy, crying, …
and he was always there for me. Even without saying something. He’d just take me in his arms and caress my hair. Tell me everything would be ok and that he was there for me.
He makes me feel so safe.  So happy.

Although I’m about six years younger than him, he doesn’t treat me like a little child just because I’m ‘only’ 20 years old, no, he treats me as an adult. He helps me be more adult, and he doesn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed when I do behave a little .. immature. When I act silly, laughing for absolutely no reason, smiling, sticking out my tongue (yes, I love to do that, can’t help it).
He likes that I still feel young. That I still believe in fairy tales. He says it makes me cute.
That I’m cute.
Looking back on the past year, he’s the best thing that happened to me.
And tonight, I’ll spend my first Christmas eve with him and a part of his family.
I’m going to meet his godchild, so like I said yesterday, I’m nervous.
I’ll start early enough to prepare myself for tonight. Have a nice long shower to calm down the nerves, take enough time to dress up and do my make up, …

I hope this is the start of a beautiful tradition. The beginning of many Christmas holidays together. Of a life together. A beautiful life.

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I’m not the same girl that I was a year ago as well. I know my parents, especially my mom will tell me otherwise, but I did grow up.
I’m thinking about my future, about working and earning money myself. I’m thinking of going on a short vacation with my love, thinking about living together one day, thinking about babies (don’t worry, not the first three years, at least), …
I want to feel more useful, I want to be able to cook, take care of myself, stand on my own two feet.
And really, I’ve been feeling that way since I spent three weeks on my own during Summer break, while the rest of the family was out on vacation.
I managed just fine really.
I cleaned, cooked, prepared meals for myself, did the dishes myself, took care of the pets, …

And I dress differently as well. I still wear a lot of black, since it’s my favourite colour, along with red, and okay, sometimes you can find me wearing a ‘childish’ t-shirt, or gothic things that –as my mom likes to say- makes me look like a slut, but that’s just who I am, and I’m not going to apologize for being myself.
I wear whatever I like, and it’s not like I’m going to dress slutty when I have to go to something formal.
I like black, I love black, I adore black, because of many reasons. First of all: it reminds me of death, which –of course- is not a pleasant or a good thing, but still it does happen. Everyday. People get born, they live and then, at some point, either way too early, mostly way too early, they die. So whenever I wear black, I think back of all the people I’ve lost, I have to say goodbye to. That way, I’ll never forget them. I’ll honour them, by living a good life, but showing them then no matter what, they are always with me, because I’ll always wear something black. How tiny or little it may be, even if  you can’t always see it.
Second, I find black a rather elegant, fashionable, mysterious colour. So whenever I wear black, I feel mysterious, a kind of special.
I don’t want to be one of those people that follow the rest. Whenever purple’s the new trendy colour , everyone starts to wear purple. No. Not me. I want to be different, show people that I have my own personality and style.
I am me. And even though I may not be the smartest, most beautiful or talented person on this planet, I am proud of who I am and what it is that I have achieved, how little that may be.
And I hope that I’ll never forget that.

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Late Night Thoughts

You know how people always say that you miss something as soon as it’s gone? 
That only when you lost it, you fully realized how much it meant to you.
Well.. I’m kinda an expert on that feeling. There are persons, things, hobbies, .. that I never cared about THAT much, but now that they’re gone.. I kinda miss them.
And then you have the other moments, where you though a particular person was your whole world, that if you’d lose that person, your world would just crash and burn.
That he/she was the love of your life, the true love.
And then one day you just realize that they’re not.
Or friends that used to be super important to you , that now never talk to you anymore and you’re just like “meh, fine by me” about it.
I’m in both situations really.
There is something that I miss, not all of it, but a part. And maybe that is because I’m kind of jealous, because the other persons are responding much differently than I am.
While I miss it and have a hard time letting go of it, they’re just fine. Great even.
I miss them,I miss what we used to have.
Because well, it was great.
And even though on the outside I’m pretending not to care and to actually let go of it indeed, the best I can, it’s hard.
Because they were such a huge part of my life, and to me, you don’t just go and throw that all away.
But it has to come from both sides, and I guess that won’t be happening anytime soon.
So I’m kind of getting over it.
I just don’t want to care about it no more. I’m done with it.
In the past year, I’ve changed. A lot. Even though no one really seems to notice.
Things that I’ve been threatening with for a while, I’ve finally found the courage to actually do.
I became more adult, even though I’m pretty sure that there are lots of people who’ll disagree with me, but I did grow up, in some ways. In my ways of thinking for example, my way of clothing. Which doesn’t mean though that I can never go and walk around in a corset and act all stupid and childish as well.
Growing up has nothing do to with being serious. Au contraire, I see adults acting crazy and hilarious everyday. It’s called having fun people.
So I’m kind of tired of hearing the sentence “Britt, how old are you? Behave like a twenty year old should!”.
Because well, if I can’t smile, make some stupid/funny comments and remarks, then how am I supposed to be acting? Just sit there, smile and nod when asked to?
Sorry to disappoint you then, but that ‘ll never be me.
I’ll grow up, eventually, but I’ll always be a bit crazy as well.
And you know what, if you don’t like that, well… then I feel sorry for you.
Because that means that you have lost your inner child.
And that’s what I’d find horrible.
My inner child is what keeps me young.
What keeps me acting crazy, and allows me to have fun. What TEACHES me to have fun.
It’s a part of me that I’m very proud of to still possess.
So, from the bottom of my heart, grow up, but please, please, stay young and crazy as well.
Let your inner child be free, and enjoy having it.

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