This is something I often tend to forget.
But it’s true.
It starts with you.
It all starts with you, with what YOU want.
What YOU need.
With your dreams.
I know it’s hard sometimes to believe in yourself
I know the world can be a hard, cruel, heartless place.
Believe me, I do.
But as long as we stand together,
and united fight against all the bad thoughts,
the bad people.
As long as we believe in ourselves.
We can make it.
I’ve no doubt about that
Lately I’ve been feeling a bit down from time to time.
Even more since Summer’s coming.
It’s getting warmer, and people start wearing shorts, tops, …
But the thing is,
I used to have a beautiful figure, model alike.
Actually, I have been a model, not long because I didn’t like it that much, but still.
I had people being jealous of my belly, since it was so flat and hard.
I’ve always hated my upper legs, because they were so big.
And then , around April last year my body decided to change.
My upper legs got even bigger, so that now my upper legs need a size Large/40 and the downside of my legs need a Medium/38.
So, I never wear pants anymore.
Although I used to love wearing jeans.
It just looks way too ugly.
My ass looks huuuuge.
I don’t even fit most of my old clothes anymore.
Shorts look disgusting on me since it doesn’t fit my legs.
I have relatives saying how whorish I look in my skirts, since they are ‘too tight’.
Because you see my ass too much.
When I try to explain how that comes, they just laugh at me.
Also, my boobs got even bigger so now whenever I wear a top, dress or t-shirt it looks gigantic.
But I can’t help it.
It’s just the way I’m built right now.
I don’t get why people have to be so cruel about it.
Also, my belly decided to change.
It’s not that I’m fat, but it got larger on the sides.
My hips don’t stick out anymore.
And I don’t like these changes , at all.
As long as I can hide it in dresses, skirts, it’s okay.
But as soon as Summer arrives again… that’s hell.
So now I keep looking at pictures of beautiful girls with flat stomachs,
like I used to have.
I keep looking at pictures of my shoot, because they remind me of how I used to be.
Boys would adore me.
I don’t know.
Maybe one day, I’ll be beautiful again.
You know what?
Scrap those last lines.
Yes, my body has changed.
Yes, I don’t like it.
Yes, I miss the old days.
But just because I look different than I used to do , that doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful anymore.
Because I am.
I may not have the looks of a model anymore, but that doesn’t matter.
What matters is that I learn to accept the fact that I’ve changed.
And that if I can’t, I’ll be persistent to do something about it.
THAT is what matters.
How I feel.
What I think.
I shouldn’t let myself get put down by others, because those other persons rarely look in the mirror themselves.
No one is perfect, so neither am I.
To say it with Christina Aquilera’s words:
♫ I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can’t bring me down
So don’t you bring me down today ♫
Two pictures, taken today in my room.
This is the picture for all those girls who don’t love themselves.
Who think that they are fat, ugly, stupid, …
Don’t listen to that voice inside your head that’s bringing you down.
You ARE beautiful, everyone is, in their own way!
You are so much better than that.
You really are worth being loved.
And the only way you can BE loved, is by starting to love yourself.
I’m kind of in a dark place right now. Have been for a few weeks, but the past weekend had made me feel a lot better. And then I made a big mistake, I came home. I came home, and I had forgotten who was there. That the people there hadn’t changed.
I had a big fight at home tonight, again. But this time , it wasn’t just my mom and dad, my sister was fighting with me to. Which hurt even more.
I was called selfish, and made fun of. My mother once again threatened to kick me out of the house. It’s not the first time.
It was the first time however, that I was so completely sick of it, of all of this, their (especially hers) criticism on everything that I do, the way they keep treating me as a little child (especially my mother again), the way she keeps threatening over and over again to kick me out…
And I felt the urge to scream that if that’s what she wants, that I’d just pack my things and leave.
The problem is that I have no idea where I would go to.
I could go to my grandmother, who lives just a street away, but since she has no internet and I need internet for my schoolwork, that’s not really an option.
And it hurts. It hurts to get pushed down like this every single time again.
It hurts, that apparently my parents don’t care what it is that I actually do at school, or what I’m working on. It hurts, that apparently all that does matter about school, are my grades “Since that’s all that really matters, Britt”.
It hurts, that my parents don’t know me, and don’t even try to get to know me.
They don’t know what music I like to listen to, they don’t know my talents, hell… they didn’t even know that I have a blog. Even though I talk about it constantly, and how proud I am of it.
But still, whenever we’re fighting, they are sure that they know everything about me, have me all figured out.
They don’t even know if my writings are any good, and what it is that I write about.
They are never “opgewonden/siked” for me whenever I’m being excited about something. Or when I’m really really proud of something.
They don’t know, they don’t ask, they don’t care.
And I’m so sick of it all. These fights over school, my boyfriend, me…
So sick of the fighting . And school for that matter.
I want to work, not study.
I want to earn money, make money, instead of just spending my parents’ .
I want to be able to get a place on my own, maybe with my boyfriend, and just start my own life.
Live by my own rules.
I want to be treated like a grown-up, instead of being treated like I’m still some teenage rebel.
I want a way out, and I want it fast. I need it.
So today I stayed home all day, since I got sick yesterday evening and spend most of the night and early morning besides my good friend, the toilet.
Indeed, stomach issues, -insert sarcastic ‘yay’ here- , took me long enough to get it too, considering I spend everyday with sick people all around me: On the train, at home, at school, on the bus, …
Seems like the weekend started early for me, since I’ll be home tomorrow as well.
I don’t mind it that much though, got to sleep loooong -which felt great, considering most of the time the most sleep I can get is about 7 hours-, the thing that I do hate about stomach shizzles is that you can’t eat anything. Well… not all the yummy stuff at least. No bananas, no apples, no orange juice, no veggies, no sweets, no cookies, you can drink cola but only without the bubbles, …
So the only thing I ate today was a toast with some cheese on it -thank god I loooooove cheese! I’m addicted to it- and about three yoghurts, natural with a little hint of sugar.
I spend my day in my pajamas, watching the last new episodes of “how I met your mother”‘s season eight online, did some facebooking -since I felt lonely, sick people get that sometimes- and then I realized: I had lots and lots of time now. That I needed to spend in bed, resting, so why wouldn’t I rest, while catching up on my ‘The Vampire Diaries’ episodes? (I have seen as far as season 3, but since it had been too long that I’ve seen an episode, I decided to go back to the beginning, which is season 1, duh).
And well… watching all these episodes, I remember why it’s one of my favorite series ever.
‘The Vampire Diaries’ and ‘One Tree Hill’, best series ever. Of course, I’ve watched others as well, but well… they didn’t affect me that much. ‘One Tree Hill’ has taught me much about myself, about dealing with certain things, friendship, love, life, death, … I’m such a Peyton. That’s also the reason why I stopped watching the show after season six, when Lucas and Peyton left One Tree Hill with their baby girl, Sawyer. Since , without those two, ‘One Tree Hill’ just simply isn’t ‘One Tree Hill’ anymore. In French, the show’s even called ‘Les Frères Scott’ which means ‘The Scott brothers’ , so you just can’t kick one of the brothers out. But I’m not going to rattle on about this matter, ’cause I could just go on and on and on.
I loved and still love that show so much. I loved it so much, that I even looked up Peyton’s ‘100 songs to save your life’ list and got all the songs together to put on my iPod. As well as her podcasts. And I kept every quote that was ever used in the show as well.
I even have one hanging above my bed.
If I remember it correctly, it even was one of the first posts I ever posted on my blog.
Take A Look In The Mirror , this is the blog I’m talking off.
It really is a beautiful text, which gave me so much strength and hope when I had lost all hope.
It may sound stupid, but I believe that those kind of shows can actually change someone’s life, I know they have for me.
One Tree Hill has thought me how to let someone in, what true friends are and how to maintain those friendships, so many things.
‘The Vampire Diaries’ on the other hand is of course totally different. It’s much less a show from which I can learn, although there you learn the value of family. Friends as well. And true love, no matter what the haters say.
And of course, since I’m obsessed with vampires and pretty much anything paranormal, I adore all the vampires, ghosts, witches and werewolves in the series.
And the music, the music is so great. Just like with One Tree Hill, I have all the music up until now.
Once you’ve seen the series, you can link the songs to the feelings, the part of the episodes, which gives the songs and the lyrics a second meaning, besides their primal one.
So that’s why, sometimes, when I hear a certain song, I get all mooshy (which means ‘romantic’ or ’emotional’ -either good or bad- in my own invented, imaginary language) so I could be sitting on the train, staring out of the window and suddenly smile like an idiot, or bite my lip as tears are starting to fill my eyes…
Yeah, I’m pretty emotional. Over-emotional one would sometimes even say.
A religion teacher of mine once said that it’s what makes me so special. That I’m able to feel for anything, or anyone.
Even though I hate it most of the times. Since people don’t look at it the way my teacher did, they just see me crying or having ‘moodswings’ and call me a drama queen instead, or even worse: an emo. I’ve been called an emo lots and lots of times, you wouldn’t believe.
Just because I’m emotional, sensitive and most of the times wear black -I can’t help that I love the color, I find it beautiful. Mysterious, dark and it stands for so many different things for me. Black like the night, terrifying for most people, but it’s the time when I feel alive the most. Black,the color of death. And If you have read my blog a couple of times, you know that death is a very sensitive matter for me. (Sweet Dreams, Reminisce Of Memories, …). Black is mysterious. To me it’s neither a happy, nor a sad color. It’s comforting. Safe. And I look beautiful in black, with my golden blonde hairs and pale blue eyes with just a hint of grey in them.
I love, what most people don’t, which is why I love ‘The Vampire Diaries’ so much. I read the books as well. Have been for the past four years or so.
They keep my fantasy and vampire obsession alive.
And just like the series, they never leave me unsatisfied behind.
They are great, in so many ways.
I know that not everyone likes the series, nor the books, to everyone their own taste of course.
But to me, it’s heaven.
And with all this talking about it, I just decided to watch some more episodes.
See you soon my dears, hope you had/are having a great day!
Travelling by train is a wonderful experience for me. I love to travel by train -if they are on time that is-. And how could it now be? You’re sitting in a perfect comfortable chair, and have a huge window to look out of. You see all kinds of wonderful things outside: forests, fields, houses, villages, …
But for me, it’s so special, since every time that I am on the train, it makes me think. About all kinds of stuff. What have I done with my life so far? Did I use every opportunity I had? Who are my real friends? And what do I define as friendship? Am I happy right now? What would’ve/could’ve I done better? Did I made the right choice in love? … These kinds of deep questions invade my mind everyday.
And most of the time, I find an answer on them. While I’m on the train of course.
Some of these questions are hard to answer, while other’s answers are hard.
That much self reflection could make you sad for a while.
Take for example the “what have I done with my life so far?” question. Well… I was born, grew up, became eighteen, graduated when I was 19 and then went to college where I failed my first year and started a new year in a totally different way.
oh, and I got together with the cutest boy ever, my boyfriend.
Tadaam, my life so far. I think.
Most people my age are either almost finished with college, or are already working. Or they are in their like second year at least.
Well.. not me.
I just stay stuck in the chaos and abnormality that is my life.
Which brings me to the next question: “Did I use every opportunity that I had?” short answer: No.
I know I’m not stupid -at least, I hope I’m not- and maybe I could’ve done more , in high school, in college,… I know I didn’t take things that were offered to me. Like help with my problems, since I was sure that I could’ve solved them on myself. Which often turned out differently. So I had to live with the consequences. My mistakes, my bad.
“Who are my real friends?” Simple, the ones that don’t judge, and are always there for me, always there to cheer me up, talk to me, … even if they don’t see me every day, every week, every month… Some of my best friends, I only see couple of times a year. And a female best friend of mine I see only once a year.
But that’s true friendship: The distance or time in between doesn’t matter, they’re always be there for you. No matter what.
Which immediately answered the “what do I define as friendship?”-question. Friendship is when you don’t judge your friends, or blackmail them to meet up. You don’t always have to see each other constantly, to be there for each other when that’s needed. Friends, true friends were always there for you, always are and always will. No matter the time and distance in between.
“Am I happy right now?” Short answer: Yes. Or pretty much anyway. Because I have wonderful friends, the most awesome classmates, the most loving, caring boyfriend ever. Can’t help it, just feel like getting up in the morning to myself “yet another beautiful day”, even though the skies are grey, cold and/or wet. I just feel happy. Like I have everything I need.
“What would’ve/could’ve I’ve done better?” well… school probably. I’m terrible with school, always have, always will. It gives me so much stress and makes me feel soooo unsure. It’s terrible.
Luckily, I have friends/great classmates and my boyfriend to support me.
And also in love, I’ve dated some guys which I wished I would’ve never met. Because they were waaaayyy too bad experiences.
“Did I made the right choice in love?” Ab-so-lut-ely! There is no doubt. I love my boyfriend to bits, and it’s different then with any other boyfriend. This is .. deeper. Better. A more serious relationship. I don’t regret my choice to be with him for a second. The only thing concerning him that I do regret, is that I didn’t get together with him sooner. Even though he wanted me to so badly.
So these are some of things that I think of whenever I’m on the train, just like I was when I wrote this whole text.
It’s good to evaluate yourself, your life from time to time. Just , like all things, don’t overdo it.
Have a nice day.