So last weekend was my weekend off, and it was pumped with activities.
Friday night: first band practice -I play the saxophone- and then off to a party not far from my house with my boyfriend and his friends.
And I’m actually proud to say that I got “drunk” for the first time, ever! (and I’m 22 years old, that must be some kind of achievement, right?)
I drank a few cocktails (about 4), but I did it on a pretty much empty stomach (not a good idea, apparently) and I had gotten up early that morning (5:30 a.m) for an 8hour shift at work (HELL!) so I was pretty tired as well.
All of this (cocktails+empty stomach+supertired= “drunk” + sick)
So yeah. At first I was all happy and joyful, telling everyone I knew that I was ‘a bit tipsy because I’ve had too much too drink’, everybody loved me.
My boyfriend still teases me with that.
And eventually, I started crying for no reason, because I didn’t know what was going on with my stomach and head, but even as I was crying, I was still kind of joyful like “oh my god, why am I crying? will you just stop it already?!” -which made my boyfriend LOL for real-
At the end: I got sick all by myself.
But the best part is:
My boyfriend took me home -I stay with him in the weekend- and put me in bed, laid right beside me and just held me in his arms as I was crying , because I felt so sick -I absolutely HATE throwing up since I always kind of choke in it-.
He held me in his arms, gently stroked my face with his fingers and just kept saying in my ear : “shhhh, I’m here now. It’s okay. Get some sleep.”
Which actually helped.
I loved him so much for that, even though I was kind of ashamed because of the way I’ve acted.
He didn’t mind though.
And neither did I when I woke up.
I’m young, I should be free to act stupid every now and then.
To make memories.
To live stories I can tell to my children, grandchildren when I’m older.
So I can be sure that I’ve lived.
It was the first time that I enjoyed that party so much
and to know that my love’s always there for me,
that he really got my back…
best feeling in the world.
To be drunk, sick and crying and fall asleep in his arms while he’s soothing you.
Waking up to him in the morning, him getting up early for practice kissing your forehead saying that you should stay in bed, get some more sleep.
That he’ll be back soon.
And that my loves, is true love.
I recently learned that love isn’t always a fairytale.
Of course I’ve known that before as well, but this time it was different.
I actually felt like giving up, just saying that I’m done with it and walk away.
But the silly thing with love, true love is that you simply can’t.
I could feel every fibre of my body fight against the thought that was spinning in my head. Racing through my mind.
I could feel my heart shatter and burst just by thinking of it.
Of leaving him.
And that’s what I told him.
That I couldn’t go on like this. That it’s tearing me apart.
It’s killing me. Exhausting me. I have no more energy left to fight, it literally drains every little drop of energy and life that I have.
I’m so exhausted these days.
I sleep late, reaaaal late (sometimes it’s already noon when I get up…).
Sometimes I sleep about 11 hours a night.
I get headaches basically all the time.
We argue. We don’t fight, but we argue.
I get irritated by so many things.
And only last night we found out that we don’t really argue about all those little things, but that it’s just part of the big thing that’s wrong.
Suddenly we could see the bigger picture.
I told him how much I love him, how deeply I adore and cherish him as well as every moment that we’ve spend together.
We’ve been through some hard times together, but we are made for each other and we got through.
I cried my heart out saying that I hate to feel this way, I hate that I get angry or irritated.
I hate that he knows it when I am, but simply doesn’t ask if anything is wrong, what’s wrong and what we can do about it.
I keep silent and he just…. sits next to me.
He’d even just go to bed and say nothing, act as if everything’s alright, nothing’s wrong.
Which then irritated me again.
I can never go to bed angry, I have to clear my mind before I go to bed.
Which is exactly why I’m writing all of this at 1:11 a.m.
I don’t want to tell anyone about this because they’ll simply say that we’ve spent too much time together and we need to take a break or even break up blablabla…
But I don’t want to hear it, because that’s not true.
We NEED each other, and I will Never EVER leave him, as I told him last night.
He’s just.. having a mental breakdown, like he already had one time before, with his ex girlfriend a few years back.
He’s the kind of person that keeps every problem to himself and well…
you can’t do that. It’s not healthy. You need to talk those things through.
Take someone’s advice. It ‘ll make you feel better as well.
Sometimes I ask questions on purpose to drag it out of him.
I asked him what happened last time that he had such a mental breakdown, apparently it meant the end of his relationship.
Which obviously scared me a bit, but I instantly assured him that I wasn’t going anywhere as long as he wouldn’t make me suffer too much and assure me every now and then that he still loved me.
I promised him that times would get better. That we’d make it, together.
And as I told him that, I actually believed it myself.
I know it’s going to be hard , it already has.
I’ve had countless nights that I just needed to get out of the house, last night as well when I simply told him that I’d be making a walk and left his house.
He came after me.
I’ve had countless nights that I just cried my heart out.
I’ve had countless nights and days that I felt so angry or irritated.
I told him that it had felt as if he was trying to irritate me on purpose.
We talked everything through.
How I felt, what he felt and experienced…
And although we didn’t find any solutions for our problem, today we had a great day.
And I know that there’ll be many more, and it’s for those kind of days that I keep holding on.
Because I know that this is just temporary, it ‘ll get better once he found a good job that he actually likes.
It ‘ll get even better when I finish my education and graduate.
I’ll keep holding on to him, no matter what.
Because a life without him wouldn’t be worth living.
I want to write about these things that I feel in my heart,
coming from within, from my soul.
I want to talk about what it is that you do to me,
but words simply aren’t enough, capable to express what it is that I feel.
Because baby, looking into your gorgeous eyes
I burn with the heaviest desire.
I die because I want you so badly
that it just wouldn’t be healthy anymore.
I need you, constantly.
Every heartbeat of mine needs to be answered by one of yours.
I breath the air you breathe.
I would kill for one of your kisses, because they are pure drugs to me.
I need you, I love you, I’d kill for you, die for you.
A day without you is a day wasted.
For almost a year long, I’ve been calling you mine, all mine.
Showering you with love.
Please promise me that we’ll do our best to keep it this way.
To stay the adorable, cute, cuddly couple that I’ve grown to love so much.
Our passion and love is what makes us this strong.
I love you more than I could ever love anyone else.
You really are my one true love.
“I believe in true love.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe love conquers all.
And that doesn’t mean there’s not gonna be hard days or difficult things to deal with,
because there will be.
But finding that person who does it for you and knowing, that person loves you back.
It just makes everything so much easier.”
– Haley James Scott
I couldn’t agree more with what Haley said.
I do believe in true love.
Love at first sight.
I do believe that love conquers all.
But I also know that love can be hard.
That it’s a process.
That it’s hard work from time to time.
But if it works and you found the way to do it,
it really is the most beautiful thing in the world.
The best feeling there is.
To me, it’s the biggest force in the universe.
The most powerful.
It’s what I’ve wanted all my life.
That’s why I fight so hard.
Although I can’t complain with my love.
He’s the best I ever had.
A little bit a work in progress but still.
We love each other, and we can’t miss each other for more than two days so…
I think we’re adorable.
A match made in heaven.
I love the serie of One Tree Hill (even though I stopped watching after season 6, since at the end of season 6 Lucas Scott and Peyton Sawyer-Scott leave One Tree Hill to never come back. In my opinion you can’t have OTH without Lucas and Peyton. It’s just doesn’t work.
In French the serie is even called “Les frères Scott”, which -translated- means “The Scott Brothers” so if one just goes away… no. I stopped watching.)
They were my example.
Always have been.
They were the two characters that I could find myself in.
Peyton for the emo-ness, the loneliness, the feelings, the drama and of course, the music.
I LOVE her music.
I even have her “100 songs to save your life” list on my computer.
Lucas I could recognize myself in since he’s also a writer.
He loves writing.
And since he’s different from the rest.
So you can imagine my reaction when it became clear that those would be soul mates for life.
And now I have my own ‘Lucas’, whom I love deeply.
I’m such a happy ‘Peyton’.
All my love to him.
He makes my life so much easier.
He makes me so happy.
He’s my shelter in times of need.
He’s there to protect me from harm.
I love him, for every little thing he does.
Because every little thing he does, has a huge impact on me.
I definitely want to get married someday.
Ever since I was a little girl I dreamt of my perfect wedding in a long white princess lookalike wedding gown.
I’d marry the love of my life, the one I’d spend the rest of my life with.
We’d marry in a beautiful old church or outside in a forest filled with flowers, just like Peyton and Lucas did in One Tree Hill.
I’d love that.
My mission, my purpose in life is to find my ‘Lucas’, my true love.
To be someone’s Peyton.
The one you always wanted.
I have the feeling that I know am.
My boyfriend definitely is my ‘Lucas’.
And I do think if he’d be the one I would marry one day.
Of course, we still have a long way to go until then.
A girl can dream right?
My wedding would be so perfect, romantic.
Not too big, just our closest friends and family.
I wouldn’t need a big feast, as long as I’d have the persons that truly matter to me.
And of course, my husband to be.
Heads would turn and jaws would drop as soon as I’d enter.
As I’d be walking down the aisle, people would whisper to each other how beautiful I look.
They’d be jealous of me.
They’d envy me.
They’d say I’m so lucky.
Because I would be happy.
I really would.
I’m still young, I know that.
And I won’t get married soon but still
in a way
I can barely wait for that beautiful day I’ve been dreaming of for so long to come.
Sometimes we have doubts, about things we were so sure of once.
What we were going to study, who we would love, who would always be our best friends, what your life would be like…
But the truth is
that you never know for sure.
You never know for sure, unless you have some actual proof.
When you start studying what you always wanted to do, and it works out great.
When you’re in a relationship with the one you’ve always loved, and it’s a true fairytale love.
When your friends are always by your side, no matter how long it has been since you last talked, or since you’ve even seen each other, …
No matter what.
I’m not saying that I’m having doubts about all these things.
I love my boyfriend with all my heart, I really hope I get to spend the rest of my life with him but I’m just finding out that fairytales really doesn’t exist.
That love don’t come easy.
That a real, long lasting relationship is hard work.
Everyday a little bit.
I feel naive.
For ever believing that a relationship would always be as passionate as in the beginning.
For believing that you could keep acting like two teenagers whom are insanely in love.
In a way, I still am.
But in the other way, it’s damn hard work from time to time.
And I’ve reached a point where I’m currently so tired of trying.
I’ll just… let it go for a few days.
I need a break.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love my boyfriend any less.
I won’t ignore or outrun him.
I just need to focus on myself for some time.
Give myself a break.
Maybe that ‘ll make him realize how much I actually give.
I know this sounds bad, but I don’t see it that way.
I just overdid it.
That’s the thing with me.
I’m a feelings person.
And as I feel every little feeling so intense, it sometimes gets too much for me.
This is one of those moments.
Sometimes all those feelings, all those new experiences get too much.
There’s some stuff going on at home, I just started my new education, I see my boyfriend less than the past two months, he started working again so he’ll be tired again, he’s still hurt from some bruises and injuries, …
I just need a break.
I’ll try to take a break.
I need it.