Dark Clouds Ahead

Right when everything is right again, there comes another blow.
A bad one.

As you might know, I was doing my second internship the past three months.
I finished today.
Yesterday was my end evaluation.
My director (the woman that decides whether or not I graduate) apparently thinks I am no good…
My second internship was at home care/assistance (don’t know what to call it in English).
It’s when you go to people’s homes and take care of them.
This can be in multiple ways: by ironing, cooking, washing, cleaning, wash them, change diapers, help them with other things…
any kind of help really.
For older persons, young people, people with a handicap, persons with psychological problems…

So, my director flunked me. I didn’t pass.
She says it’s because I can’t cook good enough, but when I started this education, I couldn’t cook.
Like: at all.
I could bake an egg, that’s it.
I learned so much the past three months.
I did so many different chores, but she doesn’t even care.
She doesn’t even asks or reacts.

I failed my internship. Which means I don’t get to graduate or even go on with my education…
Now she’s trying to convince her bosses to give me a second chance by letting me continue my education, but when that’s done (in April) I will have to do three more months of internship.
And if I make as much as one mistake… I’m out again.

I don’t know what to do anymore…
I really want to be a caretaker, but not this way..

That woman has been trying to get me out for months, from the moment she saw my face.
Everyone in my class confirms this as well.
She’s been hated for yeeears, by everyone who’s ever followed her education.

My love is trying his best to cheer me up, support me but the waiting and not knowing is killing me…

But it’s all I can do now, wait.

I mailed one of her bosses and told her my story.
Because I find that I have the right to defend myself.
I worked hard for this.
Blood, sweat and tears.

And doesn’t everybody deserves a second chance?

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Broken Hearts and Mascara Tears

It’s hard.

I’ve been hurt, real badly.
By the one I thought would never hurt me.
I try to forgive him, and move past it.
But I can’t.

I can’t even say “I love you” properly.
I can’t even look at him without feeling hurt.
Everything, every little thing that has to do with him takes effort.

It’s killing me.
There are moments when we do something which allows me to shut my emotions off
those are “the good moments”, but they aren’t real.
Because if they would be, I would actually feel. Something.

I’m trying to let him back in but I’m just so terribly scared…
that nothing’s going to change,
that I’ll be hurt once more
and that I won’t be able to handle it. I know I won’t.

I told him that as well.
That I’m trying.
But it hurts…
and it’s harder than I thought.

I love him,
I need him.
I want him.
But I can’t forgive him… not yet.

I’m stuck.
I don’t know what to do.
I can’t keep going on this way, I can’t keep going on if nothing is going to change.
But I can’t leave as well.

I can’t lose him.
He’s my best friend, my soulmate, my big brother, the love of my life…
and if I walk away
he’s forever lost to me…

God I’m stuck…
and it’s killing me.
Eating me alive.
The only thing that happens naturally is crying…

Even now, while my heart is breaking…
When does one decides that it’s time to leave?

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Tell me what’s wrong with me

I feel lost.
Insecure.
Angry.
Sad.
Hurt.
Powerless.

I feel as if I’m standing on the side, watching my life slip away.
Watch it slip right through my fingers.

I’ve been holding so much in for so many years that I appear to become numb.
Insensitive.

I can talk about all the crap in my life, without even shedding a tear.
I can even kind of smile while saying it.
Which isn’t me at all.
But then  few hours later I start crying for no reason at all.

I’m in deep.
Deeper than I ever was before.

And I’m lost.
I lost me.
I lost my ability to keep my brick wall up whenever I need it.
Because apparently I never take my wall down anymore…

I’m always on guard, which sometimes makes me act different, tougher, more arrogant or which makes me say things that I don’t really mean.

I’m dying.
I’m so lost and confused and hurt.
But most of all: sad.

I carry so much weight and sadness with me.
It’s simply overwhelming.
It’s making it hard to breathe.

I need help
and I need it fast.

Because I’m terrified of what I might do to myself…
of the consequences all of this is going to have on me…

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Thank You

I want to thank you.

For loving me.
For being my reason for living.
Ever since we met, you’ve changed my life. 
I never realized how damn important you would be for me.
How unbelievably much you’d mean to me.
What you’d become.
And what I now hope you will always be.

Ever since you loved me, I changed.
I became stronger, more confident with all the changes my body was and is going through.
You made me feel beautiful again, while I was grieving over my so called lost beauty.
Whenever I’d be sad, down, broken.. You’d simply pick me up and put the pieces back together again.

You’re my guardian angel.
My best friend.
My big brother.
But most of all, my lover.
The person I love the most.
The one I love with all my heart.
The one I’d die for to keep.
The one, my one.

You’re the one I want to have children with someday.
You’re the one I want to marry.
You’re the one I want to grow old with.
You’re the one I see myself spending the rest of my life with. 

Your beauty is overwhelming.
As is all the love you give to me.
Every touch, every kiss, … it causes my heart to skip a beat.
I’m so hopelessly and helplessly in love with you.
I am so lost in you.

I know I tell you everyday that I love you, and how much I love you.
How I adore you.
But I never thanked you for loving me.
For changing my life.
Because you did.
You made me believe in things like love at first sight, true love and fairytales again.
Because we have it all.

You truly are everything I could’ve ever dreamed of.
You are everything and more.
All I could’ve asked for.

Thank you, for being the wonderful, loving, sensitive, funny, caring, … person that you are.
Thank you, for always protecting me from all the bad things in the world.
Thank you also, for still letting me experience some things on my own.
Thank you, for giving me the strength needed to make a decision to change my course in life.
Thank you, for trusting me, even when I know it’s not always that easy, since there are constantly people trying to get between us.

But most of all, thank you, for loving me.
Because your love has truly changed me.
Thank you, for making me see the person I should’ve been all along.

I love you, please don’t ever leave.

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Till We Meet Again

Days were passing by as she thought of those who had left.
Left the save space to find their own way out there.
It was an ice cold day. And she felt a little lost.
Not knowing how to respond on the news.
She tried to keep cool, not show how much she cared.
She said that she found it a pity, and that she’d miss them.
If only they had known.
But it was too late, their choice was made.
Papers all ready, just one more last thing to do.
And then they’d be gone.
Her friend had promised that she’d come and visit sometime though.
She was hoping that her friend would keep that promise.
Because she’d miss her. Lots.

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A moment of reflection

Sometimes, there are days when everything goes right. When every decision you make seems to be a good one. Everything goes smoothly; you have a good relationship or you are in love with someone who seems to feel the same way, you have great friends and have a lot of fun, school’s going fine, the weather’s good, no problems at home and so further and so on.

Everything goes right, even though you know that things can’t go on that way, something always goes wrong eventually. Deep down inside, you know it well, but you just don’t care to think of it. You deny it. You feel … happy. Satisfied. As if all you could ever want, is within your reach.

And then there are days like the ones I’m having. When you doubt everything. Did I do the right thing breaking up with him? What do I want? Am I working hard enough for school? Will my group of friends and I stay together? Am I good enough for my parents? And so on.

Things you were sure of yesterday, you can be doubting today. Every choice, every decision you made  even only a few days ago, that seemed so right, can look so terribly wrong right now. When you take a second look at them.

Your whole world might have changed. Fallen down from the sky, crashed and burned.

And that, that is a horrible feeling. When you start to doubt your own sanity. Your own mind. Your own will. Hopes and dreams. Crushed. Broken.

What if you’ve changed your mind about something you were so sure of before? What if you want to take it back, go back in time and set it straight again? What if you want to, but you can’t? Would you just give up and leave it that way? Or would you fight, with every tiny bit of strength left in you?

Who knows.

I don’t.

I can tell myself that I’ll keep fighting, never give up. That failing or giving up is never an option. But sometimes, even I have to surrender. Give up.

And I hate to do that.

I think everybody does.

But sometimes, it’s all you can do really. Because if you would continue to fight, eventually it’d be the end of you.

I’m lost right now as well. I have no idea what I want, who I want, and how I’m going to achieve my goals. I just get up every morning, hoping I’ll figure it out somehow. And I know I will, I just hope it ‘ll be soon enough. Before it’s too late.

But I don’t plan on giving up.

I’ll keep fighting, for as long as I can.

– Britt

Take A Look In The Mirror

Take a look at yourself in the mirror,
who do you see, looking back?
Is it the person you wanna be?
Or is there someone else you were meant to be?
The person you should’ve been, but fell short off?
Is someone telling you you can’t, or you won’t?
Because you can.
Believe that love is out there.
Believe that dreams come true every day,
because they do.
Sometimes, happiness doesn’t come from money, or fame or power.
Sometimes, happiness comes from good friends and family.
And from the quiet nobility of leading a good life.
Believe that dreams come true every day, because they do.
So take a look in that mirror, and remind yourself to be happy,
because you deserve to be.
Believe that.
And believe that dreams come true every day,
because they do.
– One Tree Hill

I used this text because, well, basicly because I love it, and because it can make you really happy when you’re sad, bring back some hope. I love a lot of quotes that were used in One Tree Hill as well (more on that later, you’ll see). To me, it’s not just another serie, to me it’s really important, because well, the music, the texts, Peyton’s art.. it’s so .. recognizable. I recognize myself in them, but I’m sure everyone has that. There are real life lessons in that serie. And well.. gosh, I can’t even explain. I just really, really love it. You’ll notice it, ’cause I’ll be using a lot more OTH stuff 

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