Grateful Heart

Ever since my burnout I try to start each day with a grateful heart.
Sometimes it comes easily, when I wake up and see my gorgeous love lying next to me.
The sight of my sleeping beauty always tends to warm my heart and make me get up with a smile.
I get up, give the cat and pygmy rabbit their morning food and a hug and stroke, get my cereal and then go back upstairs, eating my cereal on the bed next to him.
He then always softly wakes up just a tiny bit and starts stroking my back in an ever so sweetly way.
When I’m done eating I spend 10-15 minutes wrapped in his arms, snoozing, until his alarm goes off and it’s time for us to get ready.

We leave the house together, kissing each other goodbye and wishing the other one a nice day.
We call each time around noon.
It’s a habit.

In the evening, I get to spend more time next to him, close to him.
The moments where we’re lying next to each other, my head on his chest hearing his heartbeat, wrapped in his arms… those are the ones I cherish most of all.

Those days are easy to be grateful for, because after all: how could you not?

But like every person, I too -unfortunately- have my dark days as well.
Where I feel hurt, even without reason sometimes.
Where I am mad at him.
Had a bad day at work.
Felt misunderstood.

Where I see
read
hear
things that make me lose faith in humanity.

When instead of beautiful, life seems hard. Unfair. Harsh.
Where I lose my trust in people I thought were good friends.
Where I feel disappointed.

I myself am a rather gentle person, very caring.
I always put everyone else before me, and I find it very important to be gentle, respectful and kind to everyone. Even those that may not deserve it.
Especially those that don’t deserve it, nothing pisses them off more than someone not reacting to their rudeness and someone that’s being kind instead.

I always try to smile.
And sometimes, you get a door slammed in your face and feel very disappointed.
But sometimes, every once in a while, people respond in an even kinder way.

I find it so normal that this is how people should behave towards one another, that I tend to get very disappointed when I get a door slammed in my face…

It’s true that most people got more selfish, self-absorbed and numb.
But it’s for the one’s that aren’t and keep fighting rudeness and cruelty that I get up in the morning.

It’s those kind of people that make the world go round, spreading the love.
Restoring faith in humanity.
Showing that we can in fact make a difference.

I choose to try and see the best in everyone, even the cruel ones.
Although I have to admit that some people make it very very hard.

I choose to be happy
to let my life be filled with love.
Friends.

I choose to be kind.
I choose to be open.

I choose to be grateful.

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You Broke Your Promise

A hurt in my chest
in the place where my heart should be
a deep, dark pool of tears…

Lost in my sadness
I don’t see the light anymore
stuck in my sorrow..

the man I used to know
the boy I fell in love with
Is he really gone?

No tenderness
no intimacy
no love at all?

how did we get here…
I can’t wrap my brain around it..
how did we go from fairytale, to nightmare?

you promised
you’d never shut me out
never leave me out in the dark by myself, alone and confused…

you broke your promise
and the boy I loved
the boy I gave my heart to and wanted to marry would never do that…

you broke your promise…

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Home Is Where The Heart Is

I open my eyes and look around me, take in the room.
There’s the yellow roses on the sideboard right next to the wooden frame saying “Dream.Hope.Wish.Believe” , a chrystal rose standing beside it.
The old vintage radio on the other side.
On the windowsill you find a set of scented candles and in the middle an Elvish replica sword from “Lord of the rings”, one of our most favorite movies.
Below the windowsill you find the cage where my little rabbit sits, Nijntje, peacefully sleeping. A little ball of fur.
Scented candles continue to spread around the television, on the living table, the bookshelves…

On the kitchen table you find even more flowers and fresh baked cupcakes.
Upstairs you find two bedrooms, one currently being used as storage space and one cozy used as master bedroom. Painted in light and dark olive colors, our bed in the middle in light brown which causes a magnificent contrast with the olive colors. Candles on the nightstands as well along with a night lamp.

The other bedroom is painted in a sort of turquoise blue, dark and lighter. There still needs to come a desk and sleeping bench. Right now all you find in there is our huge wardrobe closet, multiple boxes packed with things and my saxophone.

This room is meant to one day serve as a child’s room as well… who knows.

I look around and take it all in, all the cozy ness, the rabbit in the living room, the candles, the blanket on the couch, … the cupcakes on the kitchen table, flowers, the pictures…

I look around and I smile.
My heart starts to beat faster.
Yes, this is home.
I am home.

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Colbie Caillat- I Never Told You (Dear John Version)

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there’s no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
I can’t believe it, I still want you
After all the things we’ve been through
I miss everything about you
Without you, whoa…

I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I’m not around you
It’s like I’m not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you (still you’re gone)
I can’t believe it, I still want you (And I’m lovin’ you, I never should have walked away)
After all the things we’ve been through (I know it’s never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you
Without you, whoa…

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you (still you’re gone)
Can’t believe it, I still want you (And I’m lovin’ you, I never should have walked away)
After all the things we’ve been through (I know it’s never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you
Without you, whoa, no, no…

When The Heart Breaks

“But why? Why have you been acting this way for the past ten months? Why? This isn’t who you really are. I know you, I’ve known for over 3 years, I’ve loved you about two years and we’re already together one year and a half. Why?”
She said. Her hands clenching the steering wheel.
She glimpsed at him, but he was still in the same position as almost an hour ago: he sat there, frozen, staring forward.

It made her feel even more helpless. Useless. Pointless.

“The week before you drove by my house… By my door… After all those angry, upset, hurt messages I texted you, after the call I made… You simply drove by my house on the way to your practice. You’ve been home for hours, two and a half at least, you live three streets away from me… and still.. you couldn’t find the courage to come over for a few minutes. To try and fix it. To comfort me. To say you’re sorry.. You simply drove by…”
She went on.
“The first minutes after I saw your car pas my front door I cried… my heart was pounding like it only does when I’m deeply hurt.
And then I called you, to ask if you really did just drive by my house, if you really were going to your practice and act like nothing happened. You said yes. I answered that your stuff was waiting for you, so when you’d pass by, you could come and get them.
You asked if this was the end, if this was it. I got mad, again.”

Her breathing got heavier as the memories of that night came back. She could feel the hurt of her heart again. The weight on her chest. 
“I don’t know what to do anymore… for ten months, TEN MONTHS!, I’ve done everything I could think off. Nothing works.
So tell me: what should I do? What should I say?”

But there was only silence coming from his side of the car.
She sighed.
Same story as always the past months…

She started talking again. For over an hour they sat like that in the car.
She talking, no reaction from him. 
In the end, she just told him to go to bed, he gave her a kiss on the cheek, she didn’t move or even looked at him, he softly said goodnight and stepped out of the car.
She waited until she saw the front door open and then left.
Little bricks jumping up as she rode away with too much gas.
She didn’t even care anymore.

While driving the three streets to home, she didn’t cry.
Even when she got home, not a tear was shed.
She was done crying.
She needed to be hard now.
So she did what she always did to protect herself: Shut down her emotions.
Build yet another wall to protect and hide her behind.

Before he had stepped out of the car, he had asked her if he would hear her tomorrow.
She just pulled up her shoulders, as if saying “I don’t know” , an answer she almost always got from him whenever she asked how it came that he was acting so different.
In her head in fact she was thinking “no way in hell”.

She was done.
The hurt was too much.
So she went in shutdown.
Sleep mode.

Her heart was hurting though.
It felt incomplete.
But her work was done…
She couldn’t keep being his girlfriend, best friend, mother, babysitter, walking agenda, planner, sex object, …
all at once.
It was too much.
It was dragging her into a deep black hole.

She could do no more.
From now on it was all up to him.
Although part of her didn’t have much faith anymore… 
Because every time that he claims to work on it, that he’s doing his best (when he’s clearly not)
a part of her breaks.
In the end, there won’t be any parts left…

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Broken Hearts and Mascara Tears

It’s hard.

I’ve been hurt, real badly.
By the one I thought would never hurt me.
I try to forgive him, and move past it.
But I can’t.

I can’t even say “I love you” properly.
I can’t even look at him without feeling hurt.
Everything, every little thing that has to do with him takes effort.

It’s killing me.
There are moments when we do something which allows me to shut my emotions off
those are “the good moments”, but they aren’t real.
Because if they would be, I would actually feel. Something.

I’m trying to let him back in but I’m just so terribly scared…
that nothing’s going to change,
that I’ll be hurt once more
and that I won’t be able to handle it. I know I won’t.

I told him that as well.
That I’m trying.
But it hurts…
and it’s harder than I thought.

I love him,
I need him.
I want him.
But I can’t forgive him… not yet.

I’m stuck.
I don’t know what to do.
I can’t keep going on this way, I can’t keep going on if nothing is going to change.
But I can’t leave as well.

I can’t lose him.
He’s my best friend, my soulmate, my big brother, the love of my life…
and if I walk away
he’s forever lost to me…

God I’m stuck…
and it’s killing me.
Eating me alive.
The only thing that happens naturally is crying…

Even now, while my heart is breaking…
When does one decides that it’s time to leave?

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