I can’t stand this feeling
that I’ve lost you
that we lost what we had
that the magic is gone
I long for your touch
your sweet kiss
as it should be
the look in your eyes
I can’t stand this feeling
I can’t stand losing you…
I’ve been hurt, real badly.
By the one I thought would never hurt me.
I try to forgive him, and move past it.
But I can’t.
I can’t even say “I love you” properly.
I can’t even look at him without feeling hurt.
Everything, every little thing that has to do with him takes effort.
It’s killing me.
There are moments when we do something which allows me to shut my emotions off
those are “the good moments”, but they aren’t real.
Because if they would be, I would actually feel. Something.
I’m trying to let him back in but I’m just so terribly scared…
that nothing’s going to change,
that I’ll be hurt once more
and that I won’t be able to handle it. I know I won’t.
I told him that as well.
That I’m trying.
But it hurts…
and it’s harder than I thought.
I love him,
I need him.
I want him.
But I can’t forgive him… not yet.
I don’t know what to do.
I can’t keep going on this way, I can’t keep going on if nothing is going to change.
But I can’t leave as well.
I can’t lose him.
He’s my best friend, my soulmate, my big brother, the love of my life…
and if I walk away
he’s forever lost to me…
God I’m stuck…
and it’s killing me.
Eating me alive.
The only thing that happens naturally is crying…
Even now, while my heart is breaking…
When does one decides that it’s time to leave?
I’ve been feeling so frustrated and irritated lately.
And the worst of all is that I seem to be taking it out on my boyfriend.
I almost daily find reasons to complain about things he’s supposedly doing, things he does wrong, things I don’t like so I get to be grumpy.
But actually, it’s not his fault, at all.
He’s not doing anything wrong.
After some reflection, I found out that it’s a lot of other things that are irritating and frustrating me.
Home for example.
At home, we don’t seem to be able to just talk to each other.
We yell, shout, …
we don’t talk.
You almost feel as if you’re in the army.
Orders are being shouted at you.
All sentences are short and in a way of command.
‘No’ is not accepted.
There is barely any respect from time to time as well.
If all the children (me, my 17-year old sister and my 14-year old brother) sleep at home,
my sister gets up around 6 in the morning, my brother around 6.30 and I get up at 6.45.
So obviously, I get up the last.
However, the children’s bathroom is right next to my bedroom.
The bathtub is next to the head of my bed, only separated by a wall.
Now you would think that if my brother and sister get up first, they’d be quiet in the bathroom since I’m still sleeping right next to it.
They make so much noise.
They talk loud, laugh, fight, run, …
So basically every morning whenever those two are in the bathroom together, I wake up with a huuuuuge morning mood.
A really bad one.
Then I go to school, where everyone is always loud, and chatting, and talking behind each others back, calling names, being childish…
Even though I’m one of the youngest in class, along with about three-four, five at the most other people in their early twenties.
The others are married women, mothers, older women, …
Although they don’t always act that way.
Not all of them of course, but most do.
You got one bully in class and some others seem too scared to go up against her.
So they rather just go with the flow.
I do neither.
I just keep my mouth shut.
But my head is constantly filled with things, words, dying to get out.
To be said.
Right in those people’s face.
Of course, I can’t do that.
All the chattering and laughing and gossiping causes me such a headache…
So I get home in the evening, my head bursting, irritated, tired, …
and all I want is to see my boyfriend, hold him, tell him I love him, kiss him, …
and then there is my other point of irritation.
Annoying friends that only text you when they need you.
Need you to make an assignment for them, to complain about their broken relationship, to complain about .. whatever really.
To try and meddle in your life, your relationship…
They’re like an emo stuck to you.
Don’t get me wrong, friends know that they can always talk to me whenever they feel bad, and that I’ll gladly help.
But there are limits.
The people I’m talking about constantly text you during the most inappropriate moments.
While you’re a night out, while you’re at the movies, while you’re having sex, while you’re away for a day, while you’re on a vacation in your own land, while you’re on a family feast, …
and now you might say “oh well, that IS frustrating, but maybe those persons don’t know how bad their timing is? How were they supposed to know what you were doing?”
Well … that’s the thing: I HAD TOLD THEM BEFORE.
Or I tell them as soon as they send me.
And instead of backing off and just leave me be, they keep texting.
All of this, the bad morning mood caused by my brother/sister/ mother shouting downstairs, the irritating two-faced-people at school, the annoying stalker-alike friends, …
And then: you just explode.
It gets too much.
And apparently, I seem to take that all out on my boyfriend.
Although I didn’t do that on purpose.
On school, I’ve been having psychology lessons, I think they are the best.
We learned about self reflection and that sometimes it’s necessary to take some time and think about ourselves.
What is wrong, what is good, who we are, …
And that’s how I found out what was really wrong.
I told my boyfriend in a text message, because he had just left.
He said that we would find a way to work it out, the two of us.
A part of me believes him.
But another part of me is scared that I’ll just keep taking it out on him, and that there’ll be a day when he won’t take it anymore and leave.
And when he does, he’ll never come back…
I know that’s a really pessimistic point of view but I can’t help it…
I’m in a roller coaster of emotions.
Yesterday afternoon for example, we went to the pool, my boyfriend and I.
We had the best afternoon, ever.
I was so happy and in love…
Today as well when we were walking through the forest.
Kissing and acting foolish.
I even skipped while collecting flowers to make little bouquets which I left on my favorite spots in the forest.
And then all of a sudden, my mood changes to gloomy, dark, sad and frustrated again.
Tonight it was because my parents were not talking to each other (I don’t know what for), or were being snappy at one another.
Yesterday, it was because I was super tired, and because I was babysitting.
Normally from 5.30 p.m ’till 1 a.m.
My boyfriend was with me from around 8 p.m.
But around 1 a.m I suddenly got a text message from the mom saying that they’d be at least an hour later…
My boyfriend decided to leave since he had a match to play today.
We both had to get up early.
I was stuck there and waited the rest of the time on my own.
Finally, the parents arrived at 2.30 a.m…
I’m glad I know that it’s not my boyfriend irritating me or doing something wrong, but I still don’t know what to do about it.
I’ll hope I’ll find a solution soon, because it’s sure not healthy to keep being on this roller coaster of emotions.
I definitely want to get married someday.
Ever since I was a little girl I dreamt of my perfect wedding in a long white princess lookalike wedding gown.
I’d marry the love of my life, the one I’d spend the rest of my life with.
We’d marry in a beautiful old church or outside in a forest filled with flowers, just like Peyton and Lucas did in One Tree Hill.
I’d love that.
My mission, my purpose in life is to find my ‘Lucas’, my true love.
To be someone’s Peyton.
The one you always wanted.
I have the feeling that I know am.
My boyfriend definitely is my ‘Lucas’.
And I do think if he’d be the one I would marry one day.
Of course, we still have a long way to go until then.
A girl can dream right?
My wedding would be so perfect, romantic.
Not too big, just our closest friends and family.
I wouldn’t need a big feast, as long as I’d have the persons that truly matter to me.
And of course, my husband to be.
Heads would turn and jaws would drop as soon as I’d enter.
As I’d be walking down the aisle, people would whisper to each other how beautiful I look.
They’d be jealous of me.
They’d envy me.
They’d say I’m so lucky.
Because I would be happy.
I really would.
I’m still young, I know that.
And I won’t get married soon but still
in a way
I can barely wait for that beautiful day I’ve been dreaming of for so long to come.
Go to sleep my little one.
Go to sleep and dream the sweetest dreams of all.
Filled with fairies, unicorns and elves.
May angels keep you safe
while you’re peacefully sleeping.
Ever so quiet, so still you’re laying in my arms.
A little miracle.
All the beauty of the world in one little creature.
You really are enchanting.
You’re almost a gift from above.
Send to me by angels,
who must be weeping over your loss.
Sleep now my little one.
I’ll keep you safe.
Protect you from the bad things.
And in the morning when you wake up,
I’ll take you in my arms once more.
Most people think that there’s only one key to happiness, I don’t.
I don’t believe that happiness can be accomplished merely by one thing.
It’s only when the most important things in life work together and fit the puzzle that you can be truly happy.
When you are doing -working,studying- what it is that you love.
When you’re working on realizing your life long dream.
Or when you are living your dream.
When you’re making great memories, having fun with the people that matter.
When you live life to the fullest.
When your heart is pure and true, just like the love you give to others.
Or to one person in particular.
In my opinion, love is one of the major parts to be happy.
When it’s right, it’s the best feeling in the world.
So go ahead and live.
Fulfill your dreams, spread your wings.
And hope that there’s someone to catch you if you would fall down.
But if you never try, you’ll never know.