Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes I get sad, for no obvious reason at all.

Today, I got sad and the reason is quite obvious: I’m 22 years old and I’m nowhere near where I imagined I would be at this age.

I still live at home and I will be for at least a year -I fear-.
I thought that by the age of 25, I’d become a mommy, but the longer it takes for me to find my own place to live, the longer I’ll have to bury that dream. And I really, really want to be a young mommy someday soon..
So sometimes I cry, because I’m still stuck at home knowing that my dream to be a mommy won’t be happening for 5 years… at least.

I quit my first job, because it wasn’t what I expected and because I barely got a half-time, and I NEED a fulltime. I need to be able to set some money aside.
Sometimes I cry, because things I was really sure of didn’t work out the way I hoped they would be.

I had so many plans… that all kind of fell apart.
So I started crying, my love standing by my side not knowing what to do.

He talked to me about how he too had lost his dreams, standing nowhere on the age of 28.
How he wanted things to be different as well.

And then he just took me in his arms, held me and wiped away my tears saying the very best thing that someone could then say to comfort me :
“I’m here. We’ll get through this, together.” ❤

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I’m Back!

Hello there my darlings! 😀

Today, my new laptop arrived so I can fi-na-lly start properly blogging again, YAY! 😀
I’ve truly missed the ability to do so.

So much has happened:
* The London trip from April that I still need to tell you guys about.
* I finished my education and graduated (yay!)
* I started working in a new nursing home (chaos!)
* My love and I celebrated our 2 years together
* …

Muchos muchos to tell!

So stay posted, ’cause I’m back baby 😉 

lovies!

Dark Clouds Ahead

Right when everything is right again, there comes another blow.
A bad one.

As you might know, I was doing my second internship the past three months.
I finished today.
Yesterday was my end evaluation.
My director (the woman that decides whether or not I graduate) apparently thinks I am no good…
My second internship was at home care/assistance (don’t know what to call it in English).
It’s when you go to people’s homes and take care of them.
This can be in multiple ways: by ironing, cooking, washing, cleaning, wash them, change diapers, help them with other things…
any kind of help really.
For older persons, young people, people with a handicap, persons with psychological problems…

So, my director flunked me. I didn’t pass.
She says it’s because I can’t cook good enough, but when I started this education, I couldn’t cook.
Like: at all.
I could bake an egg, that’s it.
I learned so much the past three months.
I did so many different chores, but she doesn’t even care.
She doesn’t even asks or reacts.

I failed my internship. Which means I don’t get to graduate or even go on with my education…
Now she’s trying to convince her bosses to give me a second chance by letting me continue my education, but when that’s done (in April) I will have to do three more months of internship.
And if I make as much as one mistake… I’m out again.

I don’t know what to do anymore…
I really want to be a caretaker, but not this way..

That woman has been trying to get me out for months, from the moment she saw my face.
Everyone in my class confirms this as well.
She’s been hated for yeeears, by everyone who’s ever followed her education.

My love is trying his best to cheer me up, support me but the waiting and not knowing is killing me…

But it’s all I can do now, wait.

I mailed one of her bosses and told her my story.
Because I find that I have the right to defend myself.
I worked hard for this.
Blood, sweat and tears.

And doesn’t everybody deserves a second chance?

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Letter To My Love

I’m scared.

Scared that my internship/education is going to fail.
Scared of what will happen then.
Scared that you will start to love me less and less 
because I cry so much.
Or because I get bored so easily.
I’m scared that you will need me less.
While I need you more and more with everyday.
I’m afraid of the rut where we seem to be finding ourselves in.
I’m afraid that I’ll get tired of us one day as well.
Or that I’ll start irritating  myself over things that really don’t matter.
I’m scared of losing you.

I’m afraid of how I’m currently feeling.
Depressed, alone.
The one moment all I want is to be alone
but then as soon as you leave, I cry.
I am afraid of my own fickleness.
And I’m afraid that I can’t take everything that is currently happening .
Physically, mentally and emotionally

I am scared because I don’t know what is going to happen.
I am afraid that I’ll disappoint everyone.
Especially you.

You’re my most precious possession.
The person I care about the most.
If I lose you, I’m over. 

I hope I may find the strength to get over this bump in my road.
Because that’s all it is.
I just need to dare make the jump.

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Fear Of Driving Combined With Love And Patience

Yesterday evening I had my first driving lesson with my boyfriend.
It wasn’t my first time driving, since about two and a half years ago I had taken twelve hours of driving lessons with an instructor.
But after that, I barely drove three times.
So now I have to start over again.

He was very patient and most of all: calm.
And that’s what kept me calm.
Which is good, since I’m scared of driving.

We can’t go on the street though, since he’s not qualified to do so.
The instructor needs to have had his driving license for at least 8 years, and he doesn’t so..
We practice on a parking lot.

But he said I did good, and afterwards we went to the McDonald to get a hamburger, before going back to his house.

I’m very happy that he’ll keep teaching me, and I love him for his support and patience.
I really need to get my license soon, for my education but also simply because of the freedom.
To be able to ride anywhere I want, get away whenever I want.
I would be able to drive whenever we went out with his friends, which enables him to drink a bit more.
I could take him to places myself, without having to depend on trains or buses.
I wouldn’t need to get back on those fully stuffed buses in the morning.
With teenage moms/young poor mothers with loud, screaming/crying babies on it…
No, peace and quiet.
Ahh…
I could get used to that.

Also, because my temporary license is going to expire the 30th of December… 
And he is going to help me achieve that.
For that, I love him so much.

I hope there will be more lessons like this one, calm, patient, not too fast, …
And I hope that I will FINALLY learn, and will be able to do it by myself.

I really , really want to learn how to drive, I’m just…scared.
I hope he’ll be able to get me over that fear somehow.

I really do.
Fingers crossed…

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School Excitement

Tomorrow I’ll have my first lesson of my new education.
I’m so excited!
But a bit… scared as well.
My life was perfect with my boyfriend, spending all my time with him.
But now we won’t be able to stay up late anymore, go out/away, get our sandwich on Friday afternoons, or see each other during the day …
I’ll have to study and work again.
Work hard I’m guessing.

Also, I’m scared that I’ll fail.
Again.
Which I don’t want to.
Of course I don’t.

Anyway…
I’m going to get some stuff ready for tomorrow, hope for the best and try and get some good night sleep tonight.

Wish me luck!