You Broke Your Promise

A hurt in my chest
in the place where my heart should be
a deep, dark pool of tears…

Lost in my sadness
I don’t see the light anymore
stuck in my sorrow..

the man I used to know
the boy I fell in love with
Is he really gone?

No tenderness
no intimacy
no love at all?

how did we get here…
I can’t wrap my brain around it..
how did we go from fairytale, to nightmare?

you promised
you’d never shut me out
never leave me out in the dark by myself, alone and confused…

you broke your promise
and the boy I loved
the boy I gave my heart to and wanted to marry would never do that…

you broke your promise…



Battle Of The Heart

I’ve shed so many tears
that I’m simply not capable of crying any more.
I’ve died so many times
more than I can remember.

There were nightmares
but none of them were real, ’till I woke up all by myself.

There’s a war going on in my head
a fear and anger raging in my heart.
Which one do I listen to?
Which do I believe?

I need to know if this is worth my battle
if there’s a chance that I can get you back
if there’s a way that you can change
back to how it used to be.

I need to know that I’m enough
that I’m what you want
so fight for me 
and proof it to me.

I need to know
I need to feel
I need to hear
I need to see.

So show me
‘Cause I need to know
before I die once more
Because I might not come back this time.

Make me whole again, because you’re the only person that can.

Broken Hearts and Mascara Tears

It’s hard.

I’ve been hurt, real badly.
By the one I thought would never hurt me.
I try to forgive him, and move past it.
But I can’t.

I can’t even say “I love you” properly.
I can’t even look at him without feeling hurt.
Everything, every little thing that has to do with him takes effort.

It’s killing me.
There are moments when we do something which allows me to shut my emotions off
those are “the good moments”, but they aren’t real.
Because if they would be, I would actually feel. Something.

I’m trying to let him back in but I’m just so terribly scared…
that nothing’s going to change,
that I’ll be hurt once more
and that I won’t be able to handle it. I know I won’t.

I told him that as well.
That I’m trying.
But it hurts…
and it’s harder than I thought.

I love him,
I need him.
I want him.
But I can’t forgive him… not yet.

I’m stuck.
I don’t know what to do.
I can’t keep going on this way, I can’t keep going on if nothing is going to change.
But I can’t leave as well.

I can’t lose him.
He’s my best friend, my soulmate, my big brother, the love of my life…
and if I walk away
he’s forever lost to me…

God I’m stuck…
and it’s killing me.
Eating me alive.
The only thing that happens naturally is crying…

Even now, while my heart is breaking…
When does one decides that it’s time to leave?


Drowning in my tears

I loved you so, still do.
But you keep pushing me away, with every coming day.
Further away from you.
And it hurts, so much…

All I try do to is help you, but you don’t even see it.
You keep breaking my heart with every word you say.
I know that you love me, but the depression is taking over.
Turning your heart into a cold, hard stone.

Once you were the light in my life, but your light is growing weaker with every moment.
The darkness is consuming you.
Pulling you away from me.
Tearing my soul apart.

I have my own problems to figure out, to handle and solve.
I have your problems, tearing me down.
I’m drowning and can’t keep my head up.
And your hand isn’t there to reach for anymore.

What should I do?
Leave you behind, like you did with me?
Or keep fighting to get the boy I love back?
The one I fell in love with?

Because I’m drowning more and more with every second
the water closing in on me.
My lungs filling with water
as you stand by the side and watch me sink to the bottom.

I’m drowning in my tears
and choking on the pain.

What happened?


Not Broken, Just Bent

Silently she lay beside him in the bed.
She has been for the last thirty minutes.
Her back facing him.
His hand slide over her arm, gently.
But she just couldn’t take it right now.
“Don’t…” she softly whispered.
She could feel the hesitation in his movement.
But he decided to stop.
So they just awkwardly lay next to each other in silence.

After a while his hand came back, searching for hers.
He tried to fit his fingers in the spaces between hers.
She pushed his hand away before sitting up in the bed.

Her head in her hands.
She could hear his breath change.
He had no idea what was going on.
She could feel her heart break right there.
Suddenly she couldn’t keep it in anymore.
Tears streamed down her cheeks.
Like rivers running wild.

He instantly sat up in the bed, looking at her shaking shoulders as she silently cried her heart out.
“oooh baby…” he said before wrapping his arms tightly around her.
He held her closer than ever.
“my poor little sweet beautiful baby…”
Her heart broke even more.
How could life be so cruel and beautiful at the same time?

It felt as if everything had been crashing down on her for the past four weeks.
The only thing that made it more or less bearable was that look in his eyes.
Those whispers in her ear telling her how much he loved her.
She know he did. She knows he does. As does she.
So why had it become so hard all of a sudden?

The sobbing got more intense.
There was sound now.
The sound of someone who had just broken.
“I feel as if I’m sucking the life out of you.
I feel such a burden sometimes.
I’m so hopelessly broken.
I’m so lost. So hopeless.
Things have been so hard lately.
You have been the only thing that was good.
That is good.
You’re the one keeping me from hurting myself again.
Your love is saving me.” she slowly said, sobbing at the same time.
Her cheeks all wet with salt tears.

He took her by her chin and turned her to face him.
“Our love baby. Our love.
I love you. That’s the only thing that matters.
That’s the most important.
That’s all you need to know.
You don’t know yourself anymore?
I do.
You’re beautiful, sweet, caring, loving…
You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.
You’re my true love.
My everything.
My heart and soul. My reason for living.
But you know when you’re even more beautiful?
When you smile. So please baby, love of mine, do smile.
Don’t hide the beauty of your smile.”

Lovingly he wiped away her tears.
After doing so he left his hand on her cheek.

“I love you”, he whispered.
“and you’re not broken, not at all. You may have some cracks, but don’t we all?
No one is without scars.
And I even love you with them.
You take away mine, so please, let me take away yours.
Let me bent you.”

She took in a deep breath.
“It may not look like it,” she said, while looking down to her lap wet from her tears “but I do love you as well. So damn much.”

He laughed, and she couldn’t help laughing as well.
It was a rather faint laugh, but it was a laugh.
He looked into her eyes deeply.
“We’re going to make it love. Our love is going to make it. Have faith.
Life will get better.
And if it won’t, I’ll always be here to hold you, listen to you, cheer you up when it gets too much.
I’ll never let you down.
That’s a promise.”



Thank You

I want to thank you.

For loving me.
For being my reason for living.
Ever since we met, you’ve changed my life. 
I never realized how damn important you would be for me.
How unbelievably much you’d mean to me.
What you’d become.
And what I now hope you will always be.

Ever since you loved me, I changed.
I became stronger, more confident with all the changes my body was and is going through.
You made me feel beautiful again, while I was grieving over my so called lost beauty.
Whenever I’d be sad, down, broken.. You’d simply pick me up and put the pieces back together again.

You’re my guardian angel.
My best friend.
My big brother.
But most of all, my lover.
The person I love the most.
The one I love with all my heart.
The one I’d die for to keep.
The one, my one.

You’re the one I want to have children with someday.
You’re the one I want to marry.
You’re the one I want to grow old with.
You’re the one I see myself spending the rest of my life with. 

Your beauty is overwhelming.
As is all the love you give to me.
Every touch, every kiss, … it causes my heart to skip a beat.
I’m so hopelessly and helplessly in love with you.
I am so lost in you.

I know I tell you everyday that I love you, and how much I love you.
How I adore you.
But I never thanked you for loving me.
For changing my life.
Because you did.
You made me believe in things like love at first sight, true love and fairytales again.
Because we have it all.

You truly are everything I could’ve ever dreamed of.
You are everything and more.
All I could’ve asked for.

Thank you, for being the wonderful, loving, sensitive, funny, caring, … person that you are.
Thank you, for always protecting me from all the bad things in the world.
Thank you also, for still letting me experience some things on my own.
Thank you, for giving me the strength needed to make a decision to change my course in life.
Thank you, for trusting me, even when I know it’s not always that easy, since there are constantly people trying to get between us.

But most of all, thank you, for loving me.
Because your love has truly changed me.
Thank you, for making me see the person I should’ve been all along.

I love you, please don’t ever leave.