Every Rose Has It’s Thorns

I recently learned that love isn’t always a fairytale.
Of course I’ve known that before as well, but this time it was different.
I actually felt like giving up, just saying that I’m done with it and walk away.
But the silly thing with love, true love is that you simply can’t.
I could feel every fibre of my body fight against the thought that was spinning in my head. Racing through my mind.
I could feel my heart shatter and burst just by thinking of it.
Of leaving him.
And that’s what I told him.
That I couldn’t go on like this. That it’s tearing me apart.
It’s killing me. Exhausting me. I have no more energy left to fight, it literally drains every little drop of energy and life that I have.
I’m so exhausted these days.
I sleep late, reaaaal late (sometimes it’s already noon when I get up…).
Sometimes I sleep about 11 hours a night.
Or more.
I get headaches basically all the time.
We argue. We don’t fight, but we argue.
I get irritated by so many things.

And only last night we found out that we don’t really argue about all those little things, but that it’s just part of the big thing that’s wrong.
Suddenly we could see the bigger picture.

I told him how much I love him, how deeply I adore and cherish him as well as every moment that we’ve spend together.
We’ve been through some hard times together, but we are made for each other and we got through.

I cried my heart out saying that I hate to feel this way, I hate that I get angry or irritated.
I hate that he knows it when I am, but simply doesn’t ask if anything is wrong, what’s wrong and what we can do about it.
I keep silent and he just…. sits next to me.
He’d even just go to bed and say nothing, act as if everything’s alright, nothing’s wrong.
Which then irritated me again.

I can never go to bed angry, I have to clear my mind before I go to bed.
Which is exactly why I’m writing all of this at 1:11 a.m. 
I don’t want to tell anyone about this because they’ll simply say that we’ve spent too much time together and we need to take a break or even break up blablabla…

But I don’t want to hear it, because that’s not true.

We NEED each other, and I will Never EVER leave him, as I told him last night.
He’s just.. having a mental breakdown, like he already had one time before, with his ex girlfriend a few years back.

He’s the kind of person that keeps every problem to himself and well…
you can’t do that. It’s not healthy. You need to talk those things through.
Take someone’s advice. It ‘ll make you feel better as well.
Sometimes I ask questions on purpose to drag it out of him.

I asked him what happened last time that he had such a mental breakdown, apparently it meant the end of his relationship.
Which obviously scared me a bit, but I instantly assured him that I wasn’t going anywhere as long as he wouldn’t make me suffer too much and assure me every now and then that he still loved me.
I promised him that times would get better. That we’d make it, together.
And as I told him that, I actually believed it myself.

I know it’s going to be hard , it already has.
I’ve had countless nights that I just needed to get out of the house, last night as well when I simply told him that I’d be making a walk and left his house.
He came after me.
I’ve had countless nights that I just cried my heart out.
I’ve had countless nights and days that I felt so angry or irritated.

I told him that it had felt as if he was trying to irritate me on purpose.
We talked everything through.
How I felt, what he felt and experienced…
And although we didn’t find any solutions for our problem, today we had a great day.
And I know that there’ll be many more, and it’s for those kind of days that I keep holding on.
Because I know that this is just temporary, it ‘ll get better once he found a good job that he actually likes.
It ‘ll get even better when I finish my education and graduate.

I’ll keep holding on to him, no matter what.
Because a life without him wouldn’t be worth living.

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Insecurities & Changes

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit down from time to time.
Even more since Summer’s coming.
It’s getting warmer, and people start wearing shorts, tops, …
But the thing is,
I used to have a beautiful figure, model alike.
Actually, I have been a model, not long because I didn’t like it that much, but still.
I was.
I had people being jealous of my belly, since it was so flat and hard.
I’ve always hated my upper legs, because they were so big.

And then , around  April last year my body decided to change.
My upper legs got even bigger, so that now my upper legs need a size Large/40 and the downside of my legs need a Medium/38.
So, I never wear pants anymore.
Although I used to love wearing jeans.
It just looks way too ugly.
My ass looks huuuuge.

I don’t even fit most of my old clothes anymore.
Shorts look disgusting on me since it doesn’t fit my legs.
I have relatives saying how whorish I look in my skirts, since they are ‘too tight’.
Because you see my ass too much.
When I try to explain how that comes, they just laugh at me.
Also, my boobs got even bigger so now whenever I wear a top, dress or t-shirt it looks gigantic.
But I can’t help it.
It’s just the way I’m built right now.
I don’t get why people have to be so cruel about it.

Also, my belly decided to change.
It’s not that I’m fat, but it got larger on the sides.
My hips don’t stick out anymore.
And I don’t like these changes , at all.

As long as I can hide it in dresses, skirts, it’s okay.
But as soon as Summer arrives again… that’s hell.

So now I keep looking at pictures of beautiful girls with flat stomachs,
like I used to have.
I keep looking at pictures of my shoot, because they remind me of how I used to be.
Beautiful.
Boys would adore me.
But now..
I don’t know.

Maybe one day, I’ll be beautiful again.

You know what?
Scrap those last lines.
Yes, my body has changed.
Yes, I don’t like it.
Yes, I miss the old days.

But just because I look different than I used to do , that doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful anymore.
Because I am.
I may not have the looks of a model anymore, but that doesn’t matter.
What matters is that I learn to accept the fact that I’ve changed.
And that if I can’t, I’ll be persistent to do something about it.
THAT is what matters.
How I feel.
What I think.

I shouldn’t let myself get put down by others, because those other persons rarely look in the mirror themselves.

No one is perfect, so neither am I.

To say it with Christina Aquilera’s words:

♫ I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can’t bring me down
Oh no
So don’t you bring me down today ♫

Two Pictures from my shoot, about 2 years ago.ImageImage

Two pictures, taken today in my room.

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Thank You

I want to thank you.

For loving me.
For being my reason for living.
Ever since we met, you’ve changed my life. 
I never realized how damn important you would be for me.
How unbelievably much you’d mean to me.
What you’d become.
And what I now hope you will always be.

Ever since you loved me, I changed.
I became stronger, more confident with all the changes my body was and is going through.
You made me feel beautiful again, while I was grieving over my so called lost beauty.
Whenever I’d be sad, down, broken.. You’d simply pick me up and put the pieces back together again.

You’re my guardian angel.
My best friend.
My big brother.
But most of all, my lover.
The person I love the most.
The one I love with all my heart.
The one I’d die for to keep.
The one, my one.

You’re the one I want to have children with someday.
You’re the one I want to marry.
You’re the one I want to grow old with.
You’re the one I see myself spending the rest of my life with. 

Your beauty is overwhelming.
As is all the love you give to me.
Every touch, every kiss, … it causes my heart to skip a beat.
I’m so hopelessly and helplessly in love with you.
I am so lost in you.

I know I tell you everyday that I love you, and how much I love you.
How I adore you.
But I never thanked you for loving me.
For changing my life.
Because you did.
You made me believe in things like love at first sight, true love and fairytales again.
Because we have it all.

You truly are everything I could’ve ever dreamed of.
You are everything and more.
All I could’ve asked for.

Thank you, for being the wonderful, loving, sensitive, funny, caring, … person that you are.
Thank you, for always protecting me from all the bad things in the world.
Thank you also, for still letting me experience some things on my own.
Thank you, for giving me the strength needed to make a decision to change my course in life.
Thank you, for trusting me, even when I know it’s not always that easy, since there are constantly people trying to get between us.

But most of all, thank you, for loving me.
Because your love has truly changed me.
Thank you, for making me see the person I should’ve been all along.

I love you, please don’t ever leave.

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Beautiful Memories

I lay in the grass, looking up at the sun.
Thinking of you.
Dreaming about you.
Thinking of the love we have.

I can still see it all.
The first meeting.
The first date.
The first kiss.

I can still feel the curiosity that I felt the first time I saw you.
How you fascinated me.
Those big, beautiful eyes.
That soft, soothing voice.

The first date.
All those questions running through my mind.
Will he kiss me? Will I kiss him back?
What will it be like?

A little bit of disappointment when you didn’t kiss me.
When you didn’t even make a move.
Was I not attractive? Did you not like me?
Maybe it was for the best.

But then, love slowly started growing deep inside of me.
Every time we met, the feelings grew stronger.
So by the second date, almost a year and a half later, I was sure.
I wanted you to kiss me.

Slowly, gently, I made some moves.
I laughed, listened to you, asked questions about your life.
And I slowly started to realize that you were actually a rather interesting and fascinating person.
You were so different then I’d thought. In a good way.

I took your hand a couple of times.
Touching your skin slightly with my fingers.
I looked into your eyes, for just as long as I could handle. Not long at all.
My whole body begged for any reaction from you.

Laying in your arms, on your lap, finally an answer came.
A soft question.
“Can I ask you something?”
“yes…”
“May I kiss you?”

My heart skipped a beat when I heard this.
But I decided to keep my cool.
So playfully I answered.
“You can try.”

As soon as those sweet, sweet lips touched mine, 
I knew that I’d never ever want to kiss other ones.
I realized I was in love.
Right there, right then.

Now I lay in the sun, remembering all those beautiful moments.
The best memories.
The start of my real, new life.
The start of us.

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