Bringing Up The Past

Today I spoke with an ex of mine.
And not just any ex, no, the one who’s hurt me the most of all. Lied, used me, … And still, he was pretty much the one I loved the most. And the longest. It’s a long and rather sad story, which I don’t want to trouble any of you with.
The talk wasn’t planned, and started after he had accidentally texted me. It was meant for another Britt. after a few rather formal messages, he was wondering why I was still up so late. We started talking a bit, and it led back to us. What we were. What we could have been.
He apologized. For everything he’d done to me.
It’s not the first time that I hear apologies coming from him, though it’s rather rare. And since if he apologized, he just .. went and do the same bad thing again, they meant nothing really.
This time was different. I almost said that I’d forgive him, that’s it okay.
But that’s the thing. I can’t, or I’m not even sure if I’d want to. I guess it needs time.
He said he owes me big time though, that he wouldn’t text me or contact me no more, as promised before, unless when I’d contact him first, to ask some things, find out more.
But I don’t know if I want to know more.
Having him in my life, has only made things complicated.
It ruined a good relationship.
And I will not let anything come between me and my current boyfriend, because he just means way too much for me.
I love him, and only him.
I’ve turned other boys, also close to me, down for him. Hurt them.
But only for the greater good.
Two of those boys have a girlfriend now and are happy.
So is my ex. Although I have to admit that I’d rather have heard that he was still single, than in a relationship.
Because thats the sting: After we first tried to get back together, when we were older, he dated a girl, for over a year. And although he claims that she didn’t always have it easy, it was heaven, compared to the hell I’d been through with him. Though we’ve known each other since we were about fourteen years old. He seemed to be good with anyone else, but me.
So I figured that I was the problem.
I wanted to be his special girl so badly. I thought I was the one that could make a difference, change him.
I thought I was his one, his true.
Too bad I was wrong.
I started changing myself for him. Tried so hard to be better, the best.
Desperate to make him love me. I did things I shouldn’t have.
I never should’ve  tried to change myself.
I should never change myself.
And I won’t anymore.
If a guy can’t handle me at my worst, he sure as hell doesn’t deserve me at my best, as Marilyn Monroe herself said.
But.. I don’t know. I don’t love him anymore it’s just… He’s … I don’t know…
So many times I got over him.
In the end , I didn’t even want him back. I just want him out of my life. For good.
I was done with him, still am actually.
It just confuses me to bring the past back up again.
So it’s time for me to rest my head, don’t over think it too much, and just remember: I’m not going back.
I love my boyfriend, now, always and forever.
And no one, not even this ex, can change that.
My boyfriend’s my destiny, and the only thing that matters.
Yes he is.

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A moment of reflection

Sometimes, there are days when everything goes right. When every decision you make seems to be a good one. Everything goes smoothly; you have a good relationship or you are in love with someone who seems to feel the same way, you have great friends and have a lot of fun, school’s going fine, the weather’s good, no problems at home and so further and so on.

Everything goes right, even though you know that things can’t go on that way, something always goes wrong eventually. Deep down inside, you know it well, but you just don’t care to think of it. You deny it. You feel … happy. Satisfied. As if all you could ever want, is within your reach.

And then there are days like the ones I’m having. When you doubt everything. Did I do the right thing breaking up with him? What do I want? Am I working hard enough for school? Will my group of friends and I stay together? Am I good enough for my parents? And so on.

Things you were sure of yesterday, you can be doubting today. Every choice, every decision you made  even only a few days ago, that seemed so right, can look so terribly wrong right now. When you take a second look at them.

Your whole world might have changed. Fallen down from the sky, crashed and burned.

And that, that is a horrible feeling. When you start to doubt your own sanity. Your own mind. Your own will. Hopes and dreams. Crushed. Broken.

What if you’ve changed your mind about something you were so sure of before? What if you want to take it back, go back in time and set it straight again? What if you want to, but you can’t? Would you just give up and leave it that way? Or would you fight, with every tiny bit of strength left in you?

Who knows.

I don’t.

I can tell myself that I’ll keep fighting, never give up. That failing or giving up is never an option. But sometimes, even I have to surrender. Give up.

And I hate to do that.

I think everybody does.

But sometimes, it’s all you can do really. Because if you would continue to fight, eventually it’d be the end of you.

I’m lost right now as well. I have no idea what I want, who I want, and how I’m going to achieve my goals. I just get up every morning, hoping I’ll figure it out somehow. And I know I will, I just hope it ‘ll be soon enough. Before it’s too late.

But I don’t plan on giving up.

I’ll keep fighting, for as long as I can.

– Britt

Take A Look In The Mirror

Take a look at yourself in the mirror,
who do you see, looking back?
Is it the person you wanna be?
Or is there someone else you were meant to be?
The person you should’ve been, but fell short off?
Is someone telling you you can’t, or you won’t?
Because you can.
Believe that love is out there.
Believe that dreams come true every day,
because they do.
Sometimes, happiness doesn’t come from money, or fame or power.
Sometimes, happiness comes from good friends and family.
And from the quiet nobility of leading a good life.
Believe that dreams come true every day, because they do.
So take a look in that mirror, and remind yourself to be happy,
because you deserve to be.
Believe that.
And believe that dreams come true every day,
because they do.
– One Tree Hill

I used this text because, well, basicly because I love it, and because it can make you really happy when you’re sad, bring back some hope. I love a lot of quotes that were used in One Tree Hill as well (more on that later, you’ll see). To me, it’s not just another serie, to me it’s really important, because well, the music, the texts, Peyton’s art.. it’s so .. recognizable. I recognize myself in them, but I’m sure everyone has that. There are real life lessons in that serie. And well.. gosh, I can’t even explain. I just really, really love it. You’ll notice it, ’cause I’ll be using a lot more OTH stuff 

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