Anxiety And New Promises

Tomorrow is my first thing back at school.
Back in class.
And I admit… that I’m scared.
I don’t know what to do or say, so I’ll probably keep to myself again.
Pay attention in class, answer questions. Behave like a good, obedient student should.

And hopefully “She” won’t get on my back again.
The one that hates me (= my director).
I have many nicknames for her, and none are friendly.

I’m scared… because she’s not the only one that I fear.
There are persons just like her in my class as well.
People that are professionals in setting people to their hand.
They can make you do or believe whatever they want…
And I can’t stand up for myself quite enough… although I have a big mouth, I have a very very scared heart…

So I’ll just stay in class during the breaks, and I’ll read.
And write.
And text with my love.
And just keep my mouth shut.

Also, tomorrow it’s the anniversary of my and my boyfriend.
Tomorrow, we’re exactly one year and a half together.
Wow, a year and a half… I can barely believe it.
Time really does fly sometimes…

Sadly, I don’t see him on Monday..
Secretly I’m hoping that he’ll come and surprise me anyway..

A part of me wants to go to sleep right now, because I actually am tired.
But the other part is just afraid.
Because then when I wake up, it’s time to go back to school.
What will I say when people ask about my internship?
Should I tell them that I actually failed?
That when they graduate, I’ll still have 3 more months to go?

Not knowing if I’d make it or not…
I’m nervous for my cooking exam as well…

God.. it’s just chaos and slightly panic in my head right now…
Maybe I’m making it all worse than it actually is but still…
I won’t make the same mistake again.

The thing that hurt me the most about my second internship, is that you really can’t seem to trust anyone.
I trusted my supervisor and she just.. more than stabbed me in the back.
EVERYTHING she said was simply to flunk me. Every.Single.Word.
And the sad thing is : I TRUSTED her.
I believed that she actually was happy about me, because she never told me otherwise.
And still…

That’s what hurt the most.
I heard people say that nowadays you just can’t trust everyone, but I always believed that at least in the care and health business there would be people that you could rely on.
Apparently not.

So, from now on: I’ll keep my mouth shut.
And when there is something bothering me: I’ll write it down or tell my boyfriend or best friend (someone I truly trust).
I won’t change who I am though. I won’t be like those persons. Mean. Unreliable. Without conscience. 

I’ll still be me, but I’ll just keep it more to myself.
They said that I keep a wall up to protect me. To hide myself after.
They knew my story, and still they betrayed me…
So now I’ll pull up a second wall, not one that defends me by using a big mouth or “mad” faces, so they don’t get to call me “arrogant” anymore.
No, a wall of silence and mystery.
Although I’m pretty sure that no matter what I do, it will never be just quite how they want it to be.



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