Broken Hearts and Mascara Tears

It’s hard.

I’ve been hurt, real badly.
By the one I thought would never hurt me.
I try to forgive him, and move past it.
But I can’t.

I can’t even say “I love you” properly.
I can’t even look at him without feeling hurt.
Everything, every little thing that has to do with him takes effort.

It’s killing me.
There are moments when we do something which allows me to shut my emotions off
those are “the good moments”, but they aren’t real.
Because if they would be, I would actually feel. Something.

I’m trying to let him back in but I’m just so terribly scared…
that nothing’s going to change,
that I’ll be hurt once more
and that I won’t be able to handle it. I know I won’t.

I told him that as well.
That I’m trying.
But it hurts…
and it’s harder than I thought.

I love him,
I need him.
I want him.
But I can’t forgive him… not yet.

I’m stuck.
I don’t know what to do.
I can’t keep going on this way, I can’t keep going on if nothing is going to change.
But I can’t leave as well.

I can’t lose him.
He’s my best friend, my soulmate, my big brother, the love of my life…
and if I walk away
he’s forever lost to me…

God I’m stuck…
and it’s killing me.
Eating me alive.
The only thing that happens naturally is crying…

Even now, while my heart is breaking…
When does one decides that it’s time to leave?

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