I feel lost.
I feel as if I’m standing on the side, watching my life slip away.
Watch it slip right through my fingers.
I’ve been holding so much in for so many years that I appear to become numb.
I can talk about all the crap in my life, without even shedding a tear.
I can even kind of smile while saying it.
Which isn’t me at all.
But then few hours later I start crying for no reason at all.
I’m in deep.
Deeper than I ever was before.
And I’m lost.
I lost me.
I lost my ability to keep my brick wall up whenever I need it.
Because apparently I never take my wall down anymore…
I’m always on guard, which sometimes makes me act different, tougher, more arrogant or which makes me say things that I don’t really mean.
I’m so lost and confused and hurt.
But most of all: sad.
I carry so much weight and sadness with me.
It’s simply overwhelming.
It’s making it hard to breathe.
I need help
and I need it fast.
Because I’m terrified of what I might do to myself…
of the consequences all of this is going to have on me…