I recently learned that love isn’t always a fairytale.
Of course I’ve known that before as well, but this time it was different.
I actually felt like giving up, just saying that I’m done with it and walk away.
But the silly thing with love, true love is that you simply can’t.
I could feel every fibre of my body fight against the thought that was spinning in my head. Racing through my mind.
I could feel my heart shatter and burst just by thinking of it.
Of leaving him.
And that’s what I told him.
That I couldn’t go on like this. That it’s tearing me apart.
It’s killing me. Exhausting me. I have no more energy left to fight, it literally drains every little drop of energy and life that I have.
I’m so exhausted these days.
I sleep late, reaaaal late (sometimes it’s already noon when I get up…).
Sometimes I sleep about 11 hours a night.
I get headaches basically all the time.
We argue. We don’t fight, but we argue.
I get irritated by so many things.
And only last night we found out that we don’t really argue about all those little things, but that it’s just part of the big thing that’s wrong.
Suddenly we could see the bigger picture.
I told him how much I love him, how deeply I adore and cherish him as well as every moment that we’ve spend together.
We’ve been through some hard times together, but we are made for each other and we got through.
I cried my heart out saying that I hate to feel this way, I hate that I get angry or irritated.
I hate that he knows it when I am, but simply doesn’t ask if anything is wrong, what’s wrong and what we can do about it.
I keep silent and he just…. sits next to me.
He’d even just go to bed and say nothing, act as if everything’s alright, nothing’s wrong.
Which then irritated me again.
I can never go to bed angry, I have to clear my mind before I go to bed.
Which is exactly why I’m writing all of this at 1:11 a.m.
I don’t want to tell anyone about this because they’ll simply say that we’ve spent too much time together and we need to take a break or even break up blablabla…
But I don’t want to hear it, because that’s not true.
We NEED each other, and I will Never EVER leave him, as I told him last night.
He’s just.. having a mental breakdown, like he already had one time before, with his ex girlfriend a few years back.
He’s the kind of person that keeps every problem to himself and well…
you can’t do that. It’s not healthy. You need to talk those things through.
Take someone’s advice. It ‘ll make you feel better as well.
Sometimes I ask questions on purpose to drag it out of him.
I asked him what happened last time that he had such a mental breakdown, apparently it meant the end of his relationship.
Which obviously scared me a bit, but I instantly assured him that I wasn’t going anywhere as long as he wouldn’t make me suffer too much and assure me every now and then that he still loved me.
I promised him that times would get better. That we’d make it, together.
And as I told him that, I actually believed it myself.
I know it’s going to be hard , it already has.
I’ve had countless nights that I just needed to get out of the house, last night as well when I simply told him that I’d be making a walk and left his house.
He came after me.
I’ve had countless nights that I just cried my heart out.
I’ve had countless nights and days that I felt so angry or irritated.
I told him that it had felt as if he was trying to irritate me on purpose.
We talked everything through.
How I felt, what he felt and experienced…
And although we didn’t find any solutions for our problem, today we had a great day.
And I know that there’ll be many more, and it’s for those kind of days that I keep holding on.
Because I know that this is just temporary, it ‘ll get better once he found a good job that he actually likes.
It ‘ll get even better when I finish my education and graduate.
I’ll keep holding on to him, no matter what.
Because a life without him wouldn’t be worth living.