Desperation and Perseverance

Tomorrow I’ll have my last exam, and I’ll get my exam results.
I know if the story will continue, or if  this is the end of the line.
I’m feeling double.
On one hand I feel rather…confident, sure.
But on the other hand I still feel the anxiety.
The fear to fail.
Again.
I really want this to work.
I want it.

I already have plans starting tomorrow, to celebrate that my exams are over.
Tomorrow noon, I’ll go to see my boyfriend.
Finally!
It’s been a whole week, and I miss him like crazy.
I can’t wait to hug, kiss and hold him.
To smell, see and touch him.

We’ll have lunch together and then I’ll probably fall asleep for a little while in his arms.
In the evening I first have band practice and then I’ll come back home and probably watch a movie with him.
Nice, quiet and cosy.
Nothing hard. Nothing difficult.

Saturday, I’ll have lunch at his place as well.
In the afternoon we’ll go to the wellness centre we’ve been twice before.
There will be 3 friends waiting for me, because we’re all going together. The five of us.
For my birthday.
I get in for free and the other ones just pay €20 as an entrance.
We’ll get a bottle of cava as well.
I’m so looking forward to it!
They are all great friends that I haven’t seen for far too long.

In the evening, I don’t know what my love and I will do.
We’ll see.

Sunday afternoon we’re going to visit my old high school.
I want to say “hi” to some old teachers of mine, let them know how I’m doing.
Daddy is seeing it as going to tell them that I’ve failed college, I don’t.
I trust these people, I know they wouldn’t just judge me.
They were the ones who helped me through high school.
It’s not their fault that I failed.
And who knows, maybe I’ll be able to proudly tell them that I’ve chosen a completely different path.
That I’ve chosen a course that ‘ll get me a job where I can actually make a big difference.
Where I’ll be between life and death.
Changing lives.

I hope I can tell them that.
That I’ve passed my exams.
I hope they’d be proud of me.

I want people to be able to finally be proud of me.
Instead of looking like the all time failure that I used to be.
I’ve changed, and I hope my exams will show that.
I hope that my motivation has showed that.

I really want this chance, with both hands.
I didn’t get this far to just… fall out now.
To quit.
To fail.

I’m going to succeed.
I have to.
I need to.
I want to.

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