Insecurities & Changes

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit down from time to time.
Even more since Summer’s coming.
It’s getting warmer, and people start wearing shorts, tops, …
But the thing is,
I used to have a beautiful figure, model alike.
Actually, I have been a model, not long because I didn’t like it that much, but still.
I was.
I had people being jealous of my belly, since it was so flat and hard.
I’ve always hated my upper legs, because they were so big.

And then , around  April last year my body decided to change.
My upper legs got even bigger, so that now my upper legs need a size Large/40 and the downside of my legs need a Medium/38.
So, I never wear pants anymore.
Although I used to love wearing jeans.
It just looks way too ugly.
My ass looks huuuuge.

I don’t even fit most of my old clothes anymore.
Shorts look disgusting on me since it doesn’t fit my legs.
I have relatives saying how whorish I look in my skirts, since they are ‘too tight’.
Because you see my ass too much.
When I try to explain how that comes, they just laugh at me.
Also, my boobs got even bigger so now whenever I wear a top, dress or t-shirt it looks gigantic.
But I can’t help it.
It’s just the way I’m built right now.
I don’t get why people have to be so cruel about it.

Also, my belly decided to change.
It’s not that I’m fat, but it got larger on the sides.
My hips don’t stick out anymore.
And I don’t like these changes , at all.

As long as I can hide it in dresses, skirts, it’s okay.
But as soon as Summer arrives again… that’s hell.

So now I keep looking at pictures of beautiful girls with flat stomachs,
like I used to have.
I keep looking at pictures of my shoot, because they remind me of how I used to be.
Boys would adore me.
But now..
I don’t know.

Maybe one day, I’ll be beautiful again.

You know what?
Scrap those last lines.
Yes, my body has changed.
Yes, I don’t like it.
Yes, I miss the old days.

But just because I look different than I used to do , that doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful anymore.
Because I am.
I may not have the looks of a model anymore, but that doesn’t matter.
What matters is that I learn to accept the fact that I’ve changed.
And that if I can’t, I’ll be persistent to do something about it.
THAT is what matters.
How I feel.
What I think.

I shouldn’t let myself get put down by others, because those other persons rarely look in the mirror themselves.

No one is perfect, so neither am I.

To say it with Christina Aquilera’s words:

♫ I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can’t bring me down
Oh no
So don’t you bring me down today ♫

Two Pictures from my shoot, about 2 years ago.ImageImage

Two pictures, taken today in my room.


4 thoughts on “Insecurities & Changes

    1. amelthalt, first of all, thank you, for reading this blog, this post.
      It means the world for me.
      Thank you for liking it as well.

      and secondly, most important, thank you, for showing me this beautiful video.
      This may sound silly, but it actually made me cry.
      Because I do recognize it.
      The way those women used to describe themselves.
      And the way they actually looked.

      So thank you, for opening my eyes.
      And just .. thank you, for being here.

      All my love to you dear x

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