My Salvation

Usually, during my exam period I’m going through a dark period in my life as well, which would be kind of logic if you ask me.
You’re up in your room for hours, days, bend over books with endless texts, books that never seem to come to an end.
You get up early to study all day, only exit your room to either make a pit stop in the bathroom or to eat.
The only people you see now and then are your relatives: mom, dad, sister/brother, …
Your social life is pretty much dead, non-existing.
You look like crap, you’re often tired from studying so late and getting up early the next morning.
Your head is pounding.
Sometimes, you may even feel the need to cry, for absolutely no reason.
You’re lonely. You feel lonely, sad, down even.
There’s a lot of stress, because, when you’re in college or on university you only get one chance to pass curtain exams, and if you fail them you have to retake them during summer break , which isn’t fun at all.
Your parents might be on your back, telling you to study more, asking if you already know everything when you come down for just a second, just because you can’t stand being caged between those four walls of your room anymore. Prisoned.
The stress might lead to domestic disputes. Which give you even more stress. Make you scared, make you feel pushed.
So yes, normally, exams truly are hell for me. Because I’m a social person, I love to spend my time with my friends, classmates, boyfriend, …
I hate being locked up.
And I’m better at studying in the late afternoon or even at night, but since I have to get up super early (at 5.30 a.m.  when I have to be at school around 8.45 a.m. when school starts) it’s killing me.
And my parents are indeed pushing me to study , complaining about my attitude. Not as much as they usually would do though, but still.
And yes, it has led to some major fights, where a lot of feelings got hurt (mostly mine).
And yes, I always had major stress feelings for exams, always have and probably always will. Especially now, in college, when you have only one chance to pass.
But still, I don’t feel as bad as I normally would. Not at all actually. And the reason , is my boyfriend.

He has been supporting and motivating me.
Cheering me up when I was  feeling down, broken, lost.
Taking me in his strong arms and holding me close, stroking my hair as the tears were streaming down my cheeks.
There were moments when I felt completely lost, not even knowing if I’d even finish this year. If I wanted to keep studying. I just wanted to quit it all, leave school and look for work.
He was the one telling me (in a non-pushing way) to at least hold on till January, and wait for my exam results.
Even though I only had my first exam yesterday, I know that he was right to tell me to wait, since yesterday I went to a teacher to get more information about one of the possible studies I could do starting February (like I already told in my post from yesterday) and it made me realize, that I really would like to do that.
He made me hold on, be strong, patient, brave.
And if there would be a time that I’d just crash and collapse again, he’d be there to pick me up, make everything alright again. Safe.
And I know that I won’t see him much the next three weeks during my exams, but I don’t even need to see him to know that he’s still there for me.
We seem to have some sort of telepathic connection.
Every time when I am feeling down, or a bit sad, or tired, … I get a text from him.
Saying that he loves me, how much he loves me or that he’s missing me.
It doesn’t even have to be more than that. No long texts saying all kind of things, just that.
And when I get a message like that, during one of those moments, it makes me happy again.
He has read some of my posts, because I wanted to see his reaction to them, but still I’m sure that he hasn’t got a clue just how important he really is to me. How much he means.
How much all of this, him, us, means. What it has done to me, and what it’s still doing.
Of course, he’s not the first boy that I write about, I used to keep a diary in which I mostly wrote whenever I was in love with someone. I would write in it when I got my heart broken as well, which happened more often than I would like to admit.
I’m an over sensitive person, which means I have a lot, a lot of feelings and emotions. Writing is one of my major ways to let them out. To let the feelings go.

And I admit, sometimes my feelings for him scared me because they were so overwhelming.
Like a wave, threatening to drown me.
I now realize that that was because I had never felt anything like it before.
I have been in love before, but not like this.
He is the first boy that I can see myself growing old with.
I’m dreaming about living together, going on vacation together, having kids together,..
Start a life of our own, together. Side by side.
And the thought of that alone is enough to make me smile.
In a way, he saved me.
He is my drug, the air that I breathe.
He’s not perfect, he has his flaws, but that only makes him human.
He knows my deepest, darkest secrets, but still loves me.
He knows that I have a few other boys chasing me, but he trusts me. Completely.
He would do anything for me, which doesn’t mean that I always get what I want. If he doesn’t agree with me, he’ll tell me so and speak his mind. He won’t let me run over him, which I really admire. I love a man that can stand up for himself. Who is able to say ‘no’ when he needs to, and speak for himself.
He knows I sometimes have mood swings, for no reason whatsoever, but still he accepts me just the way I am.
And for that and many more, I love him.
And I always will.

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