Bringing Up The Past

Today I spoke with an ex of mine.
And not just any ex, no, the one who’s hurt me the most of all. Lied, used me, … And still, he was pretty much the one I loved the most. And the longest. It’s a long and rather sad story, which I don’t want to trouble any of you with.
The talk wasn’t planned, and started after he had accidentally texted me. It was meant for another Britt. after a few rather formal messages, he was wondering why I was still up so late. We started talking a bit, and it led back to us. What we were. What we could have been.
He apologized. For everything he’d done to me.
It’s not the first time that I hear apologies coming from him, though it’s rather rare. And since if he apologized, he just .. went and do the same bad thing again, they meant nothing really.
This time was different. I almost said that I’d forgive him, that’s it okay.
But that’s the thing. I can’t, or I’m not even sure if I’d want to. I guess it needs time.
He said he owes me big time though, that he wouldn’t text me or contact me no more, as promised before, unless when I’d contact him first, to ask some things, find out more.
But I don’t know if I want to know more.
Having him in my life, has only made things complicated.
It ruined a good relationship.
And I will not let anything come between me and my current boyfriend, because he just means way too much for me.
I love him, and only him.
I’ve turned other boys, also close to me, down for him. Hurt them.
But only for the greater good.
Two of those boys have a girlfriend now and are happy.
So is my ex. Although I have to admit that I’d rather have heard that he was still single, than in a relationship.
Because thats the sting: After we first tried to get back together, when we were older, he dated a girl, for over a year. And although he claims that she didn’t always have it easy, it was heaven, compared to the hell I’d been through with him. Though we’ve known each other since we were about fourteen years old. He seemed to be good with anyone else, but me.
So I figured that I was the problem.
I wanted to be his special girl so badly. I thought I was the one that could make a difference, change him.
I thought I was his one, his true.
Too bad I was wrong.
I started changing myself for him. Tried so hard to be better, the best.
Desperate to make him love me. I did things I shouldn’t have.
I never should’ve  tried to change myself.
I should never change myself.
And I won’t anymore.
If a guy can’t handle me at my worst, he sure as hell doesn’t deserve me at my best, as Marilyn Monroe herself said.
But.. I don’t know. I don’t love him anymore it’s just… He’s … I don’t know…
So many times I got over him.
In the end , I didn’t even want him back. I just want him out of my life. For good.
I was done with him, still am actually.
It just confuses me to bring the past back up again.
So it’s time for me to rest my head, don’t over think it too much, and just remember: I’m not going back.
I love my boyfriend, now, always and forever.
And no one, not even this ex, can change that.
My boyfriend’s my destiny, and the only thing that matters.
Yes he is.

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