Good Enough

One of my biggest fears, is to never be good enough.
I know that I’m a pretty girl –or I used to be- and some people told me I could be a model, after some years, I started searching for model agencies and contacted some of them.
I got rejected everywhere. Some didn’t even answer my mail, even though we already had exchanged about ten e-mails, which I found rather rude.
One of my model sites though, I did get respond on.
So I did a shoot, but didn’t really like it THAT much. Besides… I don’t want to get all stuck up and feeling way too damn good about myself.
I wanted to be … just me. Normal –as much as is possible for me-.
I’ve never been very smart. I doubled a year in high school and now I’m doing a first year in college, for the second time.
My grades weren’t always good. Mostly not.
I got called ‘a dumb blonde’ wayyy to many times.
One day, you just start to feel dumb. You just admit that to yourself. Tell yourself that you actually really are stupid. Which is not a good feeling, since in my believe, no one is stupid. Everyone is smart, just in a different way.
Their own way.
I was good at languages though, and was creative.
So I did design in my second part of high school, after failing a year.
Graphical design and printing. I loved doing that. It’s what I’m studying now as well, but this is so different… I don’t really like it that much. Kind of hate it for the moment even.
I had great teachers, great friends.
I felt loved.
In my first years of high school, I had been bullied. In the last year, my fourth year on my first school, it even got so bad, that after that school year, I’d change schools.
I was bullied, by some of the people I considered my best friends. It was a hard time for me.
I spent by sixteenth birthday crying in the school toilets, mocked and called names in and during class, and got home on my bike with tears streaming down my face.
Not exactly the sweet sixteen I had been waiting for, looking forward to.
So I changed schools, and suddenly, boys actually noticed me. They found me pretty. Attractive. Sexy. Fun.
It was a whole new world.
Girls, on the other hand, I didn’t really wanted to hang out with. Since girls were the reason I had changed schools.
And even now, I am friends with some girls, and I like having girl friends, but I still prefer boys.
If they have a problem, they’ll say it to your face, not complain about it behind your back and act friendly in your face.
Of course, not all girls are like that.
So yes, I fear to never be good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough,…
I fear that I’m not good enough, to make it in this life. To find a good job, earn good money, have a good place of my own, …
Even in relationships, I don’t believe that I can maintain a good, healthy and stabile relation.
I always seem to mess  things up somehow.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t lie to my boyfriend, nor cheat on him or such.
Never did, never will.
But it seems that after a few months –mostly three to four months- I start to notice these… bad things about my boyfriend. And they start to irritate me soooo much, since after that time, the mask of love that had kept me blind in the beginning fell off, and I see him for who he really is: a liar, a cheater, selfish, a brat, …
So I break up with him.
Basically always the same story.
But with this boyfriend, I’m determined to keep this relation.
He means the world to me, and even the thought of losing him, in every possible way kills me and brings tears to my eyes.
I need my boy by my side.
Now and always.

So yes, I may not be perfect, but I just hope, that I’ll always be good enough for him.

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