Breakdown

Today, I had a total breakdown at school.
I was sitting in the classroom, following the class, when I realized that well… I didn’t understand any of it. Again. Just like every other time this school year.
And I started to panic in my mind, thinking of the exams that I’ll have to do in January. How I’d probably fail them, a lot. How all of this was like.. learning Chinese for me.
All of it was totally new. And totally impossible to learn by myself.

So… I crashed. I just felt the tears burning behind my eyes. It wasn’t long before I could feel hot tears running down my cheeks. A friend that was sitting next to me felt bad because I was so sad and was hugging me, trying to comfort me. It was sweet, really was, but didn’t help much though.
I just felt so so bad. So useless. So dumb. So pathetic. Crying in the classroom.
Because, well, this is my last chance. If I don’t pass this year, it’s over. Since first of all, I don’t have enough study credits left to do another year, and second of all, my parents wouldn’t finance another year in college. And I wouldn’t want them too as well.
So this is the last chance.
And it’s just too much pressure… more than I can take.
And it made me so scared all of a sudden… and it made me think.
Do I like this study ? Is this really what I want?
It’s not what I expected it to be though… Not.at.all.
And I admit, I considered quitting.
Just like my friends did before me.
And find work, so I could pay my parents back for everything they had to buy for me, school things.
To make money of my own. To be able to save some for later.
So I texted my boyfriend (since I ALWAYS talk to him whenever I feel bad, sad, happy or -like now- am troubled with something and don’t know what to do.)
He understood me, and we talked. In the meanwhile, I texted my friend (the girl), the one that quit school about a week ago.
She said that I have to do whatever makes me feel good. And that it is indeed a hard study. That it surprised her as well. That she definitely underestimated it. She said that if I’d want to, I could find work. Even if I’d only have a high school diploma.
My boyfriend on the contrary, said that it’s better to continue, or at least till January. And then, after my exams I can still see what to do.
We talked and talked and talked … and in the end, he convinced me.
So now, I’m going to keep trying, working hard, hoping for the best.

Hoping I’ll find my way and things ‘ll turn out okay.
Wish me luck, for I’ll need it.

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3 thoughts on “Breakdown

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