Today as I was sitting on the train, with my back to my destination and faced to where I came from, I realized: What if it’s a sign that I always go and sit like that? What if there’s a reason why I always do that? Maybe it’s because I always keep looking at the past. Because sometimes I even live in the past. I use it to look back on past relationships, and compare them to my current one. I search for similarities, convinced that the present one will fail as badly and as soon as the ones before.
I use the past, to make ‘worst case scenarios’ in my head.
I use it to find a reason for things I do, say or feel.
For how I am.
I dig deeper and deeper, desperately searching for answers that I’ll probably never find.
I search for reasons why almost everything I do is bound to fail.
I still grief for people that I’ve lost so many years ago, instead of giving it a place and get over it.
But I doubt that it is healthy to live that much in the past.
But still, I’m sure there are more people like me out there.
Who use the past to evaluate present things: love relationships, friendships, …
Who compare things, to see if it’s really as good as it seems.
Because in my opinion, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
I’ve experienced this enough.
The past is like someone holding a mirror in front of you.
Are you really that changed, that different?
Or are you still the same?
It’s like a clown smiling while handing you a mirror.
One part of it’s face is smiling, grinning, the other one’s sad, disappointed.
I believe there are many messages in little things.
Like how we take a seat on the train everyday. Where we always sit in the classroom.
For example, if in an auditoria, you like to seat at the corner or the end of a row, to me it shows that you don’t really care all that much about the class, and just want to get out as quickly as possible as soon as it’s over.
For me, if you actually like the class, you sit somewhere in the middle. Since you enjoy it and want to stay there, patiently, focused.
I don’t know if it’s right, but I found myself in those situations.
Of course, sometimes I’m just put in a position, whether or not at the end of a row, which doesn’t mean I like/dislike it.
I’m just saying that I believe everything you do is an unconscious message from our brains. Pretty much like body language.
You say things even without fully realizing it. Since you can’t help it, not completely at least.
So maybe, who knows, it all might be connected somehow.