Sometimes, there are days when everything goes right. When every decision you make seems to be a good one. Everything goes smoothly; you have a good relationship or you are in love with someone who seems to feel the same way, you have great friends and have a lot of fun, school’s going fine, the weather’s good, no problems at home and so further and so on.
Everything goes right, even though you know that things can’t go on that way, something always goes wrong eventually. Deep down inside, you know it well, but you just don’t care to think of it. You deny it. You feel … happy. Satisfied. As if all you could ever want, is within your reach.
And then there are days like the ones I’m having. When you doubt everything. Did I do the right thing breaking up with him? What do I want? Am I working hard enough for school? Will my group of friends and I stay together? Am I good enough for my parents? And so on.
Things you were sure of yesterday, you can be doubting today. Every choice, every decision you made even only a few days ago, that seemed so right, can look so terribly wrong right now. When you take a second look at them.
Your whole world might have changed. Fallen down from the sky, crashed and burned.
And that, that is a horrible feeling. When you start to doubt your own sanity. Your own mind. Your own will. Hopes and dreams. Crushed. Broken.
What if you’ve changed your mind about something you were so sure of before? What if you want to take it back, go back in time and set it straight again? What if you want to, but you can’t? Would you just give up and leave it that way? Or would you fight, with every tiny bit of strength left in you?
I can tell myself that I’ll keep fighting, never give up. That failing or giving up is never an option. But sometimes, even I have to surrender. Give up.
And I hate to do that.
I think everybody does.
But sometimes, it’s all you can do really. Because if you would continue to fight, eventually it’d be the end of you.
I’m lost right now as well. I have no idea what I want, who I want, and how I’m going to achieve my goals. I just get up every morning, hoping I’ll figure it out somehow. And I know I will, I just hope it ‘ll be soon enough. Before it’s too late.
But I don’t plan on giving up.
I’ll keep fighting, for as long as I can.