Christina Perri – Human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I’ll get through it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I’m only human
I’m only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
‘Til I’ve had enough

‘Cause I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

What’s Not To Love?

Autumn.

One of my favorite times of the year.
Leaves are falling down and it’s getting colder, so even more reasons to cuddle up alongside each other.
Lay yourself in front of the fire with a nice, good book.
Have movie nights.
Hot chocolate time is back as well!
So are those nice, warm, comfy boots.

Yes, I love Autumn.
Nature looks beautiful, colorful.
It’s colder, but not quite as cold as in the Winter, so you can still go outside without looking like you’re
wearing too many layers.

You can wear oversized sweaters again.
And of course: it’s almost Halloween! Besides Christmas my favorite holiday of the year!
I love the crisp fall air.
The smell of firewood.
The feeling of my scarfs and beanies.

I love everything about it.
And as the leaves change, as the weather changes…
So do I.

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The Winner Gets It All

Helly my lovelies

as many of you have already read, I was a little bit down the past days/week since I recently lost my job after only 2 days of work.
I ,however, planned to not just give up like that. And I didn’t.
I send over 25 resumes to all kinds of nursing homes, close and far and I got about 4 responds…

Today, I signed my contract in one of them, ¬†and I’m pretty happy and excited, but also quite nervous.
It won’t be easy and I’ll have to work, hard.
I hope I’m up for it.
There are days when I work about 12 hours so…
I’ll only have to work 1 weekend out of 4, which normally is 2 out of 4.
So I’ll get to spend more time with my love.
Since I’ve got a job again, it’s all up to him now to find one, so we can live together.

But I’m up for it.
I’m prepared to work like that, as long as I have work.

I’ll keep you guys posted!

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Proud Of Who I Am

I don’t have many girl friends, in fact, right now I can only think of one good girl friend I have.
That I can always talk to.
But then again, she has a group of other friends as well.
I’m alone.

I have an amazing boy best friend though, we’ve been friends for about 5-6 years now.
I can ALWAYS count on him.
He’s my darling , my big brother, my rock.
Sometimes it’s hard to be able to see each other without our boyfriend/girlfriend though.

And of course I have my love
the love of my life
the light in my existence.
He’s never let me down.

We’ve been through so much together and even now that I’m the reason we lost our chance for freedom, for happiness (see previous post), he’s still the one comforting me while I’m crying next to him.
Saying how guilty I feel that we lost our dream apartment…

He’s been a dear the past days…
I love him so much.

I know I have no fault in the matter whatsoever , people come and go in the nursing home, but still…
I’ve been so frustrated because he used to be the one that couldn’t find a regular job, working interims.
And now I’m the big problem… the one with no job
and barely savings…

It’s all going bad again…
all going wrong
It all comes crashing down.. once more…

And God… I hope I can make it through this one as well
because I don’t know how much strength I have left in me…

For now, I don’t want to be working in a nursing home no more…
I’m so upset about the way employees are often treated there…
the way things go…
more has to be done with less people…
people that get put on a toilet, left behind with the door open in a hallway where people come and go
the not properly washing of people…
the gossiping about residents in the hall…

no…
That’s not why I became a nurse.
That’s not why I fought so hard to become one.
I became a nurse to take care of people
to make their lives better
to help make the world a better, more beautiful world.
One smile, one “thank you” at the time.

I love my job.
Even though some people look down at me.
Yes, I’m the one changing the diapers.
Yes, I’m the one washing everyone.
Yes, I’m the one that gives them their food and help them eat.
Yes, I’m the one that cleans up the “little accidents” that happen.

But I’m also the one they ask for.
I’m also the one that comforts them when they feel sad.
I’m the one that knows all their secrets, their wishes, feelings, hopes and dreams.
I’m the one they love to see coming in their room.
I’m the one they give a kiss to in the morning.
I’m the one they have cute nicknames for.

I love my job.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And one day, I’ll find a nursing home that will see that too.

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A Drop Too Much

The last post I wrote was about my work.
It was then that I decided to quit my first job and to start somewhere else where I would be able to work fulltime with various other benefits.
It all seemed so perfect…

My love and I were visiting apartments, starting to realize that we had the possibility to make the move, take the step. Rent our own place.

I started at my new job, and three days later -after two days of work- right after my love told me that we’d go for our own apartment, that we’ll contact some sellers, my phone rang.
It was the director of the nursing home I worked in.
She called me and said that she had some bad news for me.
That afternoon, there had been a meeting.

And I was fired.
No obvious reason why just a bunch of bullshit over the phone…
I was fired.
After barely 2 days of working there…

What was supposed to be a dream became an instant nightmare…
A steady, solid, regularly paid job with benefits
all gone.
Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I was unemployed.

I tried to defend myself over the phone for as far as I was able to speak, but it didn’t even matter.
There were colleagues that wanted me gone.
Why? I still have no idea. I’m still waiting for the paper with their reason to fire me so rudely.

My world was crushed in that one moment.
No job.
No money.
No apartment.
No life of our own.
No freedom.
No nothing…

and even now, almost 5 days later I’m still just so … upset.
If a contract doesn’t hold… if people can always fire you and get rid of you like a bag of dirt just like that…
if we have no security at all…

They crushed my dreams.
They humiliated me by forcing me to go to “work” the next morning, since it’s not legal to fire someone over the phone. I needed a paper, black on white, that said that I wasn’t welcome there anymore.

I was there for an hour and a half, standing in the meeting room with all those faces pointed at me.
Everyone knew that I wasn’t supposed there anymore.
You could see which were the ones that wanted me gone…
I’ve never felt so humiliated in my life…
and I cried while I got dressed into my uniform, oh Lord did I cry…

Why? What did I do wrong?
Was I that bad?

That afternoon when I was back home again, I started sending out resumes, I’ve send over 25.
That day I got one reaction.
The day after another one.
None of them is good though.

I’m a bit broken right now, I’m still fighting though, but it hurts…
It’s just another knife in my back.
It’s something that needs time to heal.
I’ll forget, but I will never forgive.

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The Overflowing Bucket

People who know me, know that I’m a very sensitive, yet quite strong person.
I deal with death everyday in my job, I shed a tear every single time and I mourn but I get over it as well if one of the persons I cared for, took care of and looked after dies…

I can handle bad news, as long as I still got my love by my side.
I can handle pressure.
I can handle lack of sleep.
I can handle it.

Sometimes I break
but today is not that day.

But sometimes, it just gets too much.
I’m in that kind of place right now.

I was in a desperate need of some rest, some time off with my love.
And then I got home and heard bad news… twice.

I know it’s probably just life being a bitch again, testing how much I can handle.
And although I cried in my car on my way to work, I still didn’t break.

I’m still very sensitive, and I’m still me.
But somehow, I got harder too. Stronger. Tougher.
Because I keep my goal in mind.

Whenever work was hard, whenever I shut myself in the toilet for a few minutes just to ease the pain in my back and shoulders, or just to straighten things out for myself I just keep in mind that I’m doing what I love, no matter how hard it sometimes get.
I keep in mind that I’m doing it for my biggest dream: being able to live alone with the love of my life.
Our own little apartment. Our own home.

It’s what keeps me going.
It’s my strength.
My goal.

Just like he is my life
my heart
my everything.

The One True Love Of My Life

The One True Love Of My Life